I’m starting to think Keir Starmer doesn’t really watch Love Island

Sir Keir Starmer has been bothering me this week. It is a surprise as I am usually undisturbed by thoughts of the leader of the opposition, much like the rest of his shadow cabinet who have already denounced him as too boring. Perhaps that’s why he made a stand trying to show off his common touch with some cringey dad joke vibes? Trouble is, all they’ve fostered in me is a feeling of serious annoyance and the question: what the hell is he actually thinking?

At PMQs this week Starmer tried his hand at “popular culture” by likening the government to a TV show. Of Boris Johnson, he said he was “gameplaying so much he thinks he’s on Love Island.” Cue polite titters, but he couldn’t just leave it there, “the trouble is, prime minister, that I’m reliably informed that contestants that give the public the “ick” get booted out.” OK. What? This strangulated gag really makes me question whether he watches Love Island at all.

Come to think of it, it feels a little implausible. Did his advisers show him the relevant clips to be certain he had a semblance of knowledge about a show where really hot people spend their days getting off with each other and/or preening their beautiful physiques in neon-coloured swimwear? He was the former head of the CPS, for crying out loud, he’s not rushing back after a hard day at the Commons to watch Love Island. Or is he? (If he is, it annoys me even more.)

Not content with feeling the pulse of the ITV audience, he turned his attention to Star Wars. 

“As for his boasting about the economy, he thinks he can perform Jedi mind tricks on the country: ‘These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.’ ‘No rules were broken.’ ‘The economy is booming.’ The problem is the Force just isn’t with him any more.” Oh, there’s more… ‘[Mr Johnson] thinks he’s Obi-Wan Kenobi, the truth is he’s Jabba the Hutt.”

As a recent convert to Star Wars fandom can I just say, what does he mean he’s like Jabba? Physically (which is quite mean) or in terms of work? Coz Jabba isn’t a bad ruler of a criminal enterprise. And what’s with the Jedi mind tricks? Surely a true Jedi wouldn’t hope to do anything that would go against the Jedi code? This is all over the place.

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You may think this is nitpicking. It is. But come on, he really should be doing better than this. He’s not the first to try and get some kudos from being “normal” by trying to smush together the world of showbiz and politics. Remember when Tony Blair tried to “Free Deirdre “ off Corrie? At no point did I believe Blair tuned into the cobbles to get a weekly dose of northern reality, but the intervention was deft and hit the right note.

It all feels too forced by Starmer. As James Johnson, a former No 10 pollster, pointed out on Twitter, he sounds and feels like he’s been over-focus-grouped. Like, he’s been built piece by piece, like a benign and therefore useless terminator. People see through it in the end. People do want authenticity and if that’s too dull, then at least plausibility. Just don’t fake it.

Politics is for nerds and in many cases quite strange people. Embrace it. Surely we don’t want our politicians to have the emotional range of a soap star, just a regular and decent amount of empathy and understanding. And could it be that not everyone is into Love Island, that maybe the people that’ll vote for you think it’s nonsense, too?

Political performance is so simple: play to your strengths, minimise your weaknesses and for God’s sake, get a speech writer that actually knows you and crafts the gags accordingly.