What makes a bully? I know that standards now are very different to when I started work

Is John Bercow a bully? And what constitutes a bully in modern Britain, a place where – on social media at least – politeness and courtesy seem to be going out of fashion? To his detractors, the former speaker’s past behaviour towards colleagues renders him unfit to be elevated to the House of Lords. (Mind you, the place is full of people with “colourful pasts” – many of whom are only there because they coughed up cash for political parties.)

The Lords contains former bosses who were probably bullies as they fought to maximise profits, unqualified toffs with the right blood lines, and people already rewarded for doing their job working for the civil service and the royals. The Bishops get rewarded for failure – seats in the Lords – even though their church is losing members every week.

Whatever the qualifications required for the perks of a peerage, the word “bully” is super-sensitive. As the rate of domestic violence soars, aggressive behaviour is affecting thousands of men and women out of sight. The tone of everyday life seems increasingly to be at the level of a shout.

John Bercow was a divisive figure – the speaker is tasked with keeping order in an environment that (at times) can seem completely unrepresentative of how most people conduct themselves at work. MPs routinely shout, consult their phones and use social media instead of paying attention, and bray and snort like farmyard animals. This historic “debating” chamber is a place where the loudest voices thrive, where humour and mockery is at a level normally associated with the playground or public school toilets. Perhaps it’s not surprising that Bercow’s aggressive handling of the elected mob might have spilled over into his dealings with office staff.

Calling someone a bully means you can’t handle how they are behaving, you find their lack of courtesy, their abruptness and language uncomfortable. But isn’t that true of society at large these days? Look at the trolling MP Tracy Brabin received over her “shoulder” incident – complete strangers (probably obese, unemployable men of a certain age with time on their hands) felt no embarrassment about calling her a slapper and worse. A woman who’s had not one successful career (as an actor) but two. The people who felt obliged to offload their opinions onto Brabin were bullies, hiding behind their phoney social media personas.

Donald Trump is a well documented bully – refusing to shake hands with Nancy Pelosi when he gave his State of the Union address was not just rude, but unnecessarily super-assertive. It’s what I used to call “dick on table” behaviour when attending management meetings as a sole female, with male preening and posturing in full flow. Pelosi’s response, tearing up his speech, demeaned her, by stooping to the level of the bear pit.

John Bercow is being called to account by David Leakey, who held the ceremonial post of Black Rod in parliament until 2017. Leakey is a former lieutenant-general who served in Germany, Bosnia and Northern Ireland, but clearly found encounters with Bercow more challenging than war zones. Writing in the Daily Mail this week, he described Bercow’s temper as “explosive, legendary…a red mist”. He alleges Bercow “brutalised staff, thumping tables, swearing and jumping up and down in fury”.

Bercow says it’s sour grapes, calling the criticisms “total and utter rubbish”. The list of staff who have accused Bercow of unacceptable behaviour includes Angus Sinclair, his former private secretary (who says he was shouted at and physically intimidated – who took an £86,000 deal and broke a gagging order related to that deal to make his allegations), and Kate Emms, another private secretary who left after a year, and who is alleged to have suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder. Lord Lisvane, former chief clerk to the Commons, also alleged Bercow bullied and humiliated his staff.

The new speaker of the house, Sir Lindsay Hoyle, says he wants to end the “bullying culture” in the Houses of Parliament – over a four-year period (2014-17) £2.4m was spent on pay-offs and gagging orders for 53 members of staff. This is a shocking waste of taxpayers’ money – and the use of non-disclosure agreements is scandalous as they allow unacceptable behaviour to continue as victims are frightened to come forward.

Could it be argued that Mr Bercow’s behaviour is any worse than that in a newspaper newsroom or factory floor? In the past, I have been accused of being a bully, swearing at key staff when I wanted something done, and loudly whingeing when it wasn’t up to standard. Not too long ago I was reprimanded for telling a colleague their work was “s***” – they burst into tears. Having spent my entire working life in the media, maybe I have been “brutalised” by clawing my way up through the morass of mediocre men, but I prefer to say I am being honest, truthful and direct. But in today’s snowflake society you can’t do that, as I sometimes found to my cost. Everything has to be couched in super-polite terms, even when work is clearly inadequate.

I am sure that Boris Johnson’s key adviser Dominic Cummings doesn’t mince his words when dealing with staff whose standards fall short. Dismissive of those he doesn’t rate, he’s described David Davies as “thick as mince” and David Cameron as “a sphinx without a riddle”. Last August he sacked an adviser to the chancellor Sajid Javid for disloyalty, after she was alleged to have contacted her former boss Phillip Hammond – removing her phones and having an armed policeman immediately escort her from Downing Street. Is this being a bully or an inspirational leader? Cummings says he “hates bull****ters” and has asked for “super-talented weirdos” to work for him, promising the sack within a fortnight if they don’t fit in.

Whatever the modern definition of a bully, Bercow is not going to shut up – he has a book to promote to anyone who will listen. Now he’s received an official rebuke from his former employers for naming Commons staff in his memoir (entitled Unspeakable) without asking their permission. Bercow says he is only answering his critics and is entitled to give his version of events – but doesn’t this amount to yet another form of bullying?