My obsession with horses saved me. Now I've dedicated my life to helping others in the same way

Growing up I was always known as a “moody”, “sensitive” or a “stubborn child”. Coming from a Muslim Pakistani background, the understanding of mental health wasn’t always there, especially when I had loving parents who’d sent me to private school.

From the outside, it seemed like I had a great life and there was nothing to complain about. My uncles and aunts used to treat me like a difficult child who was ungrateful to God for all the blessings I had been given. I was known as the “black sheep” of the family, where I didn’t want the same things as other British Muslim girls – husband, kids and a good job.

So, I always felt a disconnect, like I didn’t belong, and I never had any peace of mind no matter what good things were happening. I defined myself by the labels I was given by others.

I hit rock bottom 13 years ago, when I was very anxious and became severely depressed, and tried to take my own life. I was given medication by the GP to reduce my anxiety, including anti-depressants, but I felt the side effects were worse than what I was feeling. Then in January 2008, I got in my car and started driving. Almost as if by instinct, I arrived at a riding stable. I used to ride as a child but due to my sisters not having an interest we stopped.

Then, two years after I found myself at the stable, I had a turning point. I suffered a bad fall from a horse in 2010, breaking my arm, and I decided I wanted to learn why horses react the way they do and went to Monty Roberts farm in California to learn about horse psychology and behaviour.

The horses’ reactions to my energy and anxieties made me very aware that if I wanted a horse to interact and come close to me, I had to find ways to manage my anxiety and reduce my adrenaline. The feeling of a horse following you willingly is powerful and emotional. Monty Roberts, his wife Pat and his trained instructor Maya Horsey, are the reason I got back on a horse. My mum didn’t understand my new obsession, but she saw how my mood lifted and I was a different person around horses, so she bought my horse Harvey.

On my lowest day, when I would sit and cry in Harv’s field, he would come up to me rest his head on my head, and just wait. I always knew I could go to Harvey, wrap my arms around his neck and he would sigh, as to say to me it will be ok.

Harvey is the reason I started our not for profit organisation, HHPDA, Horses Helping People with Depression & Anxiety, in 2015. I started a peer support group with Harvey and trained in Equine Assisted Psychotherapy and personal development so that I could help others get through what I have overcome. When I was struggling, there weren’t any equine therapy organisations that focused solely on depression and anxiety – rather they stated that they helped with all mental health illnesses. I wanted to create an organisation that wasn’t there for me.

Two members of our board of directors have lived experience of depression and/or anxiety, and our aim is to do things differently for our clients – by looking at the person rather the diagnosis. No single method or process fits one person, so we work in a truly person-centred way. We receive referrals ranging from the NHS, to charities and GPs.

In partnership with a branch of the local charity Independence Trust, we are commissioned by Gloucestershire County Council to offer Group Equine Assisted Psychotherapy to help reduce social isolation and loneliness. And it works.

Alongside support networks, outcomes have included an 81 per cent reduction in anxiety and a 64 per cent reduction in depression. The long-term impact of our work has meant that individuals are more equipped at managing their mental health. The ride, so to speak, has not been easy, but every second of our work has been worth it.

Zeb Nawaz is the founder and director of HHPDA (Horses Helping People with Depression & Anxiety)