Peppa Pig’s trip to Brit World was full of old dinosaurs

I have been very fortunate to have had two children, five years apart. It is the perfect age gap to ensure I have had maximum exposure to the wonders of Peppa Pig. Sadly, I have not had the pleasure of going to Peppa Pig World; in fact I hadn’t heard about the theme park until the prime minister inexplicably mentioned it last Monday. Boris Johnson’s speech did though remind me of my favourite Peppa episode, which went a little bit like this...

Peppa Pig and her family are very excited. They are going to visit a theme park called Brit World. Until now, they have only ever seen Britain on TV; Peppa and George think it’s very funny.

“Daddy,” asks Peppa, “will we have to show blue passports to get into Brit World? Oink.”

Daddy Pig knows all about Britain. “Ho, ho Peppa, you don’t need a passport to get into Brit World; you just need a ticket. And Mummy Pig has those in her bag. Grunt!”

Mummy Pig is driving the car and has organised everything, because Daddy Pig is incompetent.

“That’s right,” she says. “But Peppa’s correct that people in Britain love blue passports. They’re not very keen on people without them coming to their country. Snort!”

“Bwexit!” squeaks George from the back of the car. George is Peppa’s little brother.

“Ho, ho George, well remembered!” grunts Daddy Pig. “Oh look, here we are.”

The family have arrived at Brit World. It is like Britain, in miniature. Some bits are lovely; other bits are terribly crap. The car park is called Operation Stack.

Mummy Pig hands their tickets to a man at the entrance who gives them a surly look.

“He doesn’t seem very nice,” says Peppa crossly.

“He’s an actor,” replies Mummy Pig. “He is pretending to be someone who is about to be made redundant and replaced with a machine. It’s part of the Brit World experience. Quite clever. George, what’s the matter?”

George is whimpering and trying to hide behind Daddy Pig. He has seen something that has made him feel thrilled but frightened. George points to a nearby enclosure with a trembling trotter.

“Dinosaurs!” he squeals.

Daddy Pig laughs. “Yes George! There are lots of dinosaurs in Britain, even though they don’t look like Mr Dinosaur!”

George’s favourite toy is called Mr Dinosaur. He is a green T-Rex. The dinosaurs in Brit World are grey and wear double-breasted suits.

“Are British dinosaurs dangerous mummy?” asks Peppa.

“They can be,” Mummy says. “They don’t eat people or bite their heads off, but sometimes they introduce policies which sow division or exacerbate inequality or undermine global security.”

“Oh dear,” says Peppa.

George is waving Mr Dinosaur at the Brit World dinosaurs to attract their attention. They are very interested and most of them are coming over towards the family. One dinosaur has stayed behind and is sitting louchely on a bench, apparently half-asleep.

“Ah,” says Daddy Pig knowingly, “that must be Jacob-Rees Moggadon.”

George is stroking one of the dinosaurs!

“Hairy dinosaur!” he squeals excitedly.

“Careful George,” warns Mummy Pig. “That is Boris Johnsaur, one of the strangest British dinosaurs. He looks harmless, but he causes a lot of chaos.”

“Mummy, shush!” says Peppa. “I think Boris Johnsaur is trying to say something.”

The family listen very carefully. Boris Johnsaur is trying to say something.

“Forgive me,” he mumbles. “Er, forgive me. Please, er, forgive me.”

Peppa is intrigued. “What does he want forgiveness for, Mummy?”

Mummy Pig sighs. “It could be one of many things Peppa. Or he could just be trying to distract us.”

Behind the family, some asylum seekers are being taken to a waiting aeroplane and a group of sick people are being told to wait in a corridor because there aren’t enough doctors and nurses to see them all.

After looking at the dinosaurs, Peppa and the others enjoy a ride on a rail replacement bus.

“Bus!” squeals George. George loves buses.

“Ho, ho,” says Daddy, “they love these rail replacement buses in Britain. Especially at Christmas.”

“And look!” says Peppa, “over there they’re digging up the road! Just like Mr Bull does at home!”

The roadworks signal the end of the bus ride and the family climb out.

“Daddy,” shouts Peppa delightedly, “there’s an enormous muddy puddle here. Can we jump in it?”

Peppa loves muddy puddles. In fact, everybody loves muddy puddles and the family jump in gleefully. But, oh dear.

“Mummy, I’m not sure this is a muddy puddle,” says Peppa, “it smells like something a bit different.”

“I think you’re right Peppa,” replies Mummy Pig. “We’ve actually jumped into a metaphor. All part of the Brit World experience. Quite clever.”

“Never mind,” says Daddy, “we can be like pigs in sh*t! In fact, pigs love sh*t just as much as they love muddy puddles. Snort!”

Everybody laughs at funny Daddy Pig. In the distance, Boris Johnsaur can still faintly be heard mumbling. “Forgive me. Er, forgive me.”

The family have loved Brit World. But they’ll be glad to go home.