I’m happier now than I was being a ‘smug married’

A problem shared is a problem halved. Well, until it’s not, and a problem shared becomes the reason your marriage blows up and why you’re suddenly regretting not listening to your mum when she said, “Dear, do you really need a ceremony that costs more than the deposit for a decent sized apartment in London?” Mum was right. You could’ve had a decent-sized flat as a pension investment instead of a honeymoon “to remember” and a five-year credit card bill to pay off.

Apologies if I sound annoyed by the marketing machine otherwise known as marriage; that’s because I am. Not only does it leave young couples strung out and broke before they’ve even set off to build a life together, but I bet at no point before the big day did either partner have “The Chat”. As for “The Chat”.  I’ll come onto that in a moment, but first, the propaganda – the latest of which comes in the form of a survey which reports that married people are less likely than their single counterparts to be depressed. Lol. The survey of 120,000 people from seven countries shows that no matter where people lived, those who were married showed fewer signs of depression.

On the surface, it would certainly seem The Marrieds have it all sorted, especially during the night when the worry monster pays us singletons an unwanted visit – 3am, eyes wide open, fear coursing through our nervous system, it feels like we’re having a heart attack. Not The Marrieds who, after a mere pat to their right, confirm, phew, their beloved spouse is right there beside them. Cosy in the knowledge everything will be OK because they are not alone and off they fall back to sleep. Granted, being single during stressful periods can feel isolating and nothing short of grim, but let me tell you, that’s nothing compared to trying to exist within a lonely marriage.

I wished I’d had The Chat before I’d decided to have babies and get married; perhaps we’d still be together, but perhaps not. I can’t think like that. I am convinced, however, that the feelings of safety I felt throughout my marriage weren’t necessarily genuine. I also believe it’s the same for many people who are part of a couple, except they don’t yet realise it. Lulled into false hope, you can easily lose agency within a marriage, with both parties sort of agreeing but possibly not properly discussing essential details such as finance, spending, lifestyle goals and, ultimately, retirement. Knowing the buck doesn’t entirely stop with the individual can feel comforting. “Oh, it’s OK, we’ll figure it out.”

You say comforting and the research suggests happiness, but I say delusional because when the sh** really hits the fan, all those things that were never discussed bubble to the surface and people are not just blindsided, but left incapacitated.

And I say this from experience. I may have been a ripe old 46 when I left my marriage, but I might as well have been 12 as far as life planning was concerned. Sexual infidelity, financial secrets and lies, or even just a couple of white lies such as, “Remember I told you I was still paying X into the pension pot? Well, I wasn’t…” and it’s enough to derail a human being to the point of nervous breakdown. Again, I should know.

So why did we avoid “BIG” conversations, the kind of conversations all married couples ought to be on the same page about before embarking on a lifetime of apparent happiness? Why did we stick our heads in the sand, hoping it would all turn out OK? I know why I chose to avoid “The Chat”. It’s scary.

How frightening would it be to discover that, as a couple, we were fundamentally on different pages about almost everything apart from the fact we both love Twiglets? I can answer that: very. So, I avoided confronting any big issues in our relationship and dealt with the small ones in front of my nose, such as keeping a career going while juggling childcare and trying to remain financially independent but failing miserably because all your earnings from the job you love are going directly to the effing nanny. And as for the viral clip of the single career woman lamenting what hard work it was being single and having to work full-time compared to if she was a homemaker with a husband and children? The comments were along the lines of, “No, you wouldn’t; you’d need a full-time supply of valium!”

I’ve seen first hand what happens to women when they give up careers to have children only to find themselves in a desperately unhappy marriage which then leads to an acrimonious divorce, where they are told by their ex they “have to get a job”. Try walking back into that well-paid job you gave up six years ago while your husband was free to build his and let me know how that goes…

In Paul Dolan’s book Happy Ever After – A Radical New Approach to Living Well, scientific research by the American Time Use Survey finds that the healthiest and happiest population subgroup is women who never married and never had children. I certainly do not regret having my children, but my childfree best mate and I have been known to share several laughing emojis. Her: Hey, what are you doing for Christmas? I’m off to Mexico for a while. Me: Oh, have fun! I’m driving the kids to Newcastle to see my mum.

Of course, it’s normal not to want to be alone; humans are supposed to live together in communities and families. Hence, I’ve been prepping my “chat” for my second marriage (I haven’t – I’m never getting married again). But as difficult as it sometimes feels to be alone, it’s more complex, I think, to be married and lose our personal space within which we can self-reflect and grow. Leaving zero room for nasty surprises and unwanted skeletons in the cupboard when planning my future – that’s all on me now. Master of my own ship and all the other tropes you wish to throw at my “single in mid-life” situation, happiness is all there to play for. As for the worry monster, funnily enough, it doesn’t visit much anymore.

In Pursuit of Happiness: Mating, Marriage, Motherhood, Money, Mayhem by Stacey Duguid