Happy day of the scentless supermarket roses

Happy Valentine’s Day. Or as we say in my house, “Happy Day of the Scentless Supermarket Roses”. Is there anything that sums up the relentless commercialism of a modern Valentine’s Day more succinctly than supermarket roses, with all the delicious perfume that makes the rose the queen of flowers bred right out of them? The only thing in their favour is that they’ll be bin-ready by the 16th.

But there’s nothing new in complaining about the pink-tinged hell that is the day of the patron saint of courtly love, so rather than continue to moan about the quality of the blooms that typically crowd my doorstep at this time of year, I’ve decided to look for other ways to celebrate 14 February. It isn’t just for lovers, you know. Saint Valentine is also patron saint of bee-keeping, fainting and the plague (though I imagine we’re none of us too excited about celebrating the plague right now. Or fainting, for that matter).

Lucky Americans can swerve the heart-shaped nonsense and celebrate their National Cream-Filled Chocolate Day. In my opinion this would be an excellent day for us Brits to adopt. Perhaps the prime minister would like to mandate it as a proper national holiday to boost his ratings in the polls. We could make it an annual tradition to give Lindor truffles – or any other cream-filled chocolate so long as it’s a proper mouthful – to our nearest and dearest. Just one truffle per person should be presented with a solemn bow. It must be eaten in one go. While your friend/lover/neighbour has their mouth full, you are allowed to tell them what you love about them or, alternatively, what you really think of their leather trousers/seedy moustache/planning application for a roof terrace. They are not allowed to answer back while they’re still eating. What do you think? It could catch on.

14 February is also National Ferris Wheel Day in the United States, with people (at least five of them, I’m sure) taking the time to celebrate the birth of George Washington Gale Ferris, who invented the eponymous ride in 1893. Ferris’s original wheel, designed to rival the Eiffel Tower, harnessed the new-fangled power of electricity and debuted at the World’s Columbian Exposition in Chicago. The wheel was a huge success. Alas Ferris himself came to a sad end: divorced, bankrupt and dead of typhoid at the tender age of 37. Bearing all that in mind, it seems only right to spend a day queueing for the London Eye in recognition of Ferris’s contribution to the gaiety of nations. Except that on 14 February, the London Eye has probably already been booked solid by couples planning Insta-perfect marriage proposals. Word to the wise: never propose in public. Look how it worked out for Kanye and Kim.

Best stay home and take part in Clean Out Your Computer Day instead. Yet another American initiative (they sure know how to celebrate their days in the US of A), Clean Out Your Computer Day is exactly that. We’re not talking about scrubbing your Facebook history or deleting those emails you should never have sent, but about literally taking the back off your laptop and vacuuming the dust from your motherboard. You should probably not attempt to spend your 14 February in this way if, like me, you’re not entirely sure what a motherboard is.

The Americans have come up with myriad unromantic ways to spend your Valentine’s Day. In 2005 dating service Yahoo! Personals (remember Yahoo!? Of course you don’t) declared the 14th Call In Single Day. That was a good one. At least the continued popularity/necessity of working from home should mean that this year the loveless won’t have to put up with sharing the tiny office lift with that one person whose boyfriend always sends them a hundred red roses instead of the traditional 12. Yeah, he’s definitely feeling guilty about something, isn’t he?

I could get behind feting kraut and frankfurters, food stuffs which get a whole week of celebration over the 14th Feb, and I could definitely spend a day eating jelly (yes it’s Jell-o week, too) but my favourite alternative to Valentine’s Day is International Book Giving Day. The initiative, which began in 2012 and has since spread to 44 countries worldwide, was conceived as a way of getting books to children in need. According to a report by the National Literary Trust from 2017, one in 8 disadvantaged British children doesn’t own a single book.

If you must celebrate Valentine’s Day this year, then you could give your beloved a book instead of a bouquet. It’s a token of esteem that will last longer than three days at least. But what book to send? How do you make sure you’re sending the right message with your choice of reading material? Friends of mine have admitted they judge people by their book shelves. You don’t want to send Fifty Shades of Grey to someone who is decidedly Middlemarch. It’s far safer to support one of the literacy organisations suggested on the International Book Giving Day website and let them choose a children’s book on your behalf.

Then you could send your Valentine a postcard saying, “I spent the money I would have spent on scentless supermarket roses on buying books for children instead.” If the object of your affections doesn’t melt at the thought of that, then they’re not the one for you.

In case the worst happens, best to have a box of cream-filled chocolates handy to console yourself, then clean your heartless heartthrob’s social media profiles off your computer (not using the hoover) and invite someone else to join you on a ferris wheel next year.