I might go to Glasto if there were more boybands on the line-up

To say, on the actual weekend of the festival, that Glastonbury isn’t the be all and end all may sound like sour grapes, given that I won't be there. And let me be clear, I don’t hate Glasto or music festivals per se.

I can’t stand a festival bore, obviously; the sort who wears their entry wristbands for a month after getting back to the office, or who wangs on about how they got trench foot back in the mudfest of ’98, or who won’t accept that you’ve experienced life unless you’ve got stoned at Worthy Farm under a moonlit sky with members of a minor Britpop collective.

They are also the kind of people who love Jarvis Cocker for being so arch, but who then sway along to Elbow’s relentless ‘One Day Like This’ in a display of such saccharine, cultish devotion that it would make David Miscavige proud.

If I’m being quite honest, the idea of spending three days in the company of a hundred thousand other people, in tents, has never massively appealed, even if you do get to drink warm cider out of plastic cups and see the Levellers from half a kilometre away.

At the age of 43, the crowds and the camping are more off-putting now than ever. The fancy glamping option might be alright, but there is still the palaver of getting there – train strikes or no train strikes. I suppose if I could be dropped in by helicopter, given a comfy bed, sanitary bathroom and a no-queue bar, I’d be up for it.

All that aside, however, there is still the issue of the music. Looking at the line-up for 2022, I can find a few acts I’d like to see: Paul McCartney, Rufus Wainwright, Diana Ross, Crowded House, Haim, Pet Shop Boys, Supergrass, Tanita Tikaram, Kate Rusby – hardly adventurous, I grant you; but MOR is my metier.

Still, the trouble with Glasto is the lack of boybands. The closest you can get this year is McFly, who are outrageously only fourth billing on the Avalon Stage on Sunday – they ought to be given McCartney’s slot, really. The boys are geniuses. As for the so-called legend’s slot, Diana Ross is hardly to be sniffed at but the Eavis family would bring the house down if they booked five legends in one and engineered a full Take That reunion.

Or what about Blue? As if you didn’t know, the lads have just dropped their new single – the first for seven years – and I can assure you, ‘Haven’t Found You Yet’ is an absolute banger, the best thing these heroes of the early noughties have done since the classic ‘All Rise’. Stick them in a field in Somerset and I’ll be there in a flash, wellies and “I heart Simon” banner in tow.

These days, of course, Glastonbury has a very international feel, so let’s not forget the global kings of the boyband genre, Backstreet Boys. Sure, some of them are now into their fifties, but you can bet your bottom dollar that they’d bring enough energy with a rendition of ‘Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)’ to keep the entire crowd warm, even if it chucks it down.

Obviously, all of the aforementioned would be jostling for headline slots, along with some of the other boyband big beasts: your Westlifes and New Kids on the Block; your BTSs and your Jonas Brothers. And all of those would be forced off the Pyramid Stage in the event of a One Direction or *NSYNC reunion.

But let’s not forget that Glasto would have plenty of slots for those boybands whose moments in the sun were not quite so celebrated or prolonged. A1 and 5ive would be pushing hard to headline on the John Peel Stage (Peel, admittedly, might spin in his grave), while Busted could lead a moderately punkier line-up around the corner at the Bimble Inn (I’ve no idea). Elsewhere, you would find a wonderful, if brief, acoustic set from BBMak, some harmony-soaked family vibes from Hanson, some family beef from Bros, and a host of others: Brother Beyond, Another Level, LFO, Boyz II Men, JLS, Blazin’ Squad, East 17, Damage, PJ & Duncan, One True Voice, Let Loose and Union J, to name a few.

For those of you currently at Glastonbury, revelling in the delights that you’ll be able to tell your friends about ad nauseam when you get back, I hope you enjoy the show. I might even watch some of it on the telly. But mostly, this weekend, I’ll be listening to my Take That CDs and wondering yet again at Gary Barlow’s brilliance.