Let’s ban noisy people from restaurants – it’s for the public good, after all

You may have forgotten this – but eating in an expensive restaurant is tremendously good fun. Wine... olives... dishes you can’t pronounce... a bit more wine. Even a trip to the loo – ooh, luxury moisturiser – feels like a treat.

But all of this can so easily be ruined if you’re sitting next to a particularly noisy table. “Yah... stock market… exactly, yah… Klosters… no, no, we decided on Eton in the end… darling, shall we get another bottle?” Very tedious. These are not so much conversations, as statements intended to be heard by the entire restaurant. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, well... perhaps you’re off to Klosters in the spring.  

Imagine my delight, then, at the news that “loud talking or shouting” in restaurants is under severe scientific scrutiny. Research published in the Journal of Korean Medical Science last week suggests that too much of the old “yah... yah” (not the scientific term, perhaps, but close enough) can actually increase the rate of Covid infections. Diners sitting up to 6.5 metres apart in an unventilated room can, the data shows, still transmit the virus – and “loud talking or shouting” could be to blame. 

The researchers suggest that restaurants should install dividing walls between tables. This is no doubt very sensible but wouldn’t it be easier and altogether less intrusive to have a decibel counter instead? Three strikes and you’re out. “I’m sorry, sir, but if you bray like that again, we are going to have to ask you to leave. Nothing personal, you understand, it’s for the safety of the other guests.”

And why stop there? Why not track and trace these noisy superspreaders? I’m sure Dido Harding is friendly with a few of them, so she can get started right away. Restaurants could build a network, ensuring that the worst offenders are flagged up – purely for the public good, you understand – at the booking stage. “Table for four, sir? Yes, we can do that… Ah, slight hitch, I’m afraid. I gather you were bellowing about an old boys’ reunion over dinner in the West End last week. In that case, there’s nothing we can do.”

Oh, it would be lovely, wouldn’t it? So lovely, in fact, that we might decide to enforce this particular rule when the pandemic is over. Can’t be too careful, eh? Don’t blame me, chaps, I’m just following the science.

Yes, what a silver lining it would be to this wretched year if we were able to reclaim restaurants from the noisy brigade. I know we’ve all missed dining out this year but come on, if we can just quickly get this research turned into law, it might have been worth the wait. Whisper it quietly – cheers!

Yours,

Rupert Hawksley

Voices commissioning editor