Laurence Fox, Piers Corbyn and the imaginary dinner party from hell

Like most people, I have thought long and hard about who would be invited to my fantasy dinner party. I won’t bore you with the details. These games, similar to stories about dreams, tend to be more interesting for the teller than anyone else.

Much more fun, I thought, to come up with the guest list from hell. Who would you least like to spend the evening with? And, please, no jokes about your mother-in-law. But this game has a snag, too. The definitive list has, I’m afraid, already been drawn up. It can’t be topped. Game over.

Allow me to introduce you to the candidates running for London mayor. By my count, there are 19 of them, which is far too many for a dinner party anyway. Just think of the washing up. But even if a few people inevitably pull out at the last minute – Sadiq Khan (Labour), Shaun Bailey (Conservatives), Luisa Porritt (Liberal Democrats) and Sian Berry (Green Party) would, you hope, have better things to do – it remains a pretty rum bunch.

Piers Corbyn (Independent) is there, megaphone in hand, droning on about vaccines and the global climate change conspiracy. Couldn’t he have put a clean shirt on? Count Binface (Independent), or Lord Buckethead, is also present. No doubt he has a tale or two to tell about standing against Boris Johnson in the 2019 general election but he does also have a bin on his head. Fine for the after party, Count Binface, not acceptable at the table, even if you do look smarter than Piers Corbyn.

Next to him is Peter Gammons (UKIP). Very tricky guest. “So, Peter, you know your name also means, like… right, you’ve heard that joke. I guess you want to talk about Brexit then?” Making up much of the rest of the party is former banker Brian Rose (Independent), millionaire plumber Charlie Mullins (Independent), rapper Drillminister (Independent) and former Celebrity Big Brother contestant Winston McKenzie (Unity In Action). Time to open another bottle.

But here’s the worst part: we haven’t even got to the guest of honour. This person wasn’t actually invited until the weekend but now that he is coming, it’s hard to imagine the dinner party from hell without him. Ding-dong! And there on your doorstep, later than expected, is Laurence Fox, leader of the “anti woke” Reclaim Party, in a leather jacket, smoking a cigarette and asking if he might possibly record a repeat of Lewis a bit later.

Fox, you see, announced recently that he is running for London Mayor because – and I paraphrase only slightly – he’s worried that Queen Victoria will be pulled from her plinth in front of Buckingham Palace and replaced by a statue of Greta Thunberg. He also wants lockdown lifted immediately – harrumph! – and fears that “the sense of who we are, where we are and what we are” is being “undermined”. You better come in, Laurence, and take your seat. You know Piers, I think? Ah, you met in the green room at Good Morning Britain?

So, there you have it, folks, the unrivalled dinner party from hell. Oh, and don’t forget: Londoners can vote for any one of them on 6 May.

Yours,

Rupert Hawksley

Senior commissioning editor, Voices