Like Meghan and Harry, laying low at Christmas might be a good idea this year – especially if you want to save the planet

The word “vegan” has quickly been subverted to suit a whole heap of commercial opportunities, as in “vegan leather”, which I hear is a must for fashion-conscious environmentalists this party season.

But how to make Crimbo, synonymous with peak gluttony and rampant over-consumption, relevant for environmental warriors? Can we create a new version of Christmas that’s truly green? How to fight against a culture geared to conspicuous consumption, from “luxury” mince pies on sale in October to retailers promoting a list of Dream Toys, most of which are made from plastic? Barbie might be on offer in different sizes this year, and in a designer wheelchair, but when she can be recycled into a table mat or turned into insulation for the loft, then we’re making progress.

Christmas is a testing time for anyone who claims to care about the planet. Extinction Rebellion activists and their headline-grabbing demonstrations have raised awareness among all age groups. Students now place the environment top of their concerns, and there’s not a political candidate who isn’t claiming to be green: it’s on-message, a top vote grabber. But how can we apply our new eco-awareness to the reality of bath bombs, cheap turkeys, beans from Kenya, ready-made stuffing and pigs in blankets? Grilling a nutburger and drinking home-brewed beer might be a gesture, but it won’t save much of the Amazon rainforest.

Recycling last year’s wrapping paper, cutting up old cards to make labels and spending hours making some naff crackers isn’t going to stop many glaciers melting either. I’m writing this from Norfolk, where roads are flooding and rivers are rising to danger levels. Life goes on as normal; Christmas cannot be cancelled – it’s been planned too far in advance at mission control. Workers in the local Co-op are busy removing hundreds of food products, filling shelves with what they describe as “seasonal” goods – in other words, acres of glittery, synthetic tat. Tinsel, sequined sleighs, plastic reindeers, fake trees, miles of fairy lights and flashing Santas, and little (if anything) is designed to run on wind or pedal power.

Yes, some wannabe eco-warriors might have saved last year’s decorations, so well done. Even so, based on my experience, some lights will mysteriously no longer work and you won’t be able to find any replacement bulbs, resulting in another trip to the stores. Every Christmas, no matter how little we might want to purchase on moral grounds, in reality we will exactly repeat last year’s orgy of spending (bath oil, body lotion and scented candles, mostly made in sweatshops in the third world), all bought without a thought for the environment. Socks and pyjamas from factories in China and the Far East. Some stuff might be made by villagers in Africa, or via Fairtrade schemes in poor countries, but not enough to make any difference to global warming.

Entering John Lewis, Tesco or Waitrose and co, we will take off our green “concerned” faces and switch to harried present buyers with a list to fill. God forbid if we haven’t purchased dozens of cards or small gifts to distribute to pals at work, distant relatives we can’t be bothered to visit and the lady who does our ironing or cleaning.

Retailers aren’t going to force an eco-message down our throats at Christmas, unless it’s part of a cute storyline in their TV ads, which cost millions, offering us animated smiley carrots, cute dragons called Edgar and camera-perfect kids, all ruthlessly chosen to kick start an unstoppable urge to buy to excess. Retailers spend millions on Christmas TV advertising because this season is a matter of life or death; they need our money to survive in the battle with Amazon and online rivals.

I’m not a seasonal grump, but the obvious way to cut down on unnecessary waste at Xmas is to spend it away from all the relatives, miles from the gut-busting meals that seem to feature the same basic ingredients, the never-ending cheap booze and paper hats.

I’m pleased to see that Harry and Meghan have opted out of joining Royal Granny at a big gathering at Sandringham this year – are they following my example? For the last two years I’ve celebrated far away from my partner (in Australia, so there had to be carbon-offsetting) with an old friend. It means a walk to a picnic lunch with a bag of local prawns, bread and mayo. I swim, we play scrabble and drink local wine. In the evening a chicken is plonked on the barbecue and it’s bedtime by 10pm. No crap television, no nasty cocktails. No party games. No cards, just a couple of useful small presents. I Skype my other half to find he and the dog have gorged on turkey legs and a lot of chocolates and are watching Vera repeats, which I would have banned. Relatives – especially if you have a new baby – can be really exhausting. All that chat puts a huge strain on any relationship, so why bother. Think of all the money you’ve saved (although that’s obviously not a Royal consideration).

Royal commentators say Harry is clearly “putting his wife and child first” – I’d say anyone who values their sanity (and wants to help the environment) ought to consider Christmas away from three things: all relatives, traditional Christmas dinner, and any kind of useless gift. Go green and give up Christmas – or is that a step too far?