Have beauty fads finally gone too far?

Facebook ads. Ordinarily a source of great annoyance. Sometimes a source of great amusement. Like the time they suggested I might want to take up netball on the very same day I found out I’d broken the second metatarsal of my right foot. Not that I would have wanted to join a netball club anyway. As one of the least sporty children in a class of 27, I was never picked for the “proper” game on the pitch with no cracks. Instead, I was relegated to the “second” game on the pitch that was all ankle-twisting holes in the tarmac. It’s a wonder I didn’t break my foot sooner.

Anyway, I digress. Suffice to say, Facebook got that one badly wrong as they so often do. I am never going to wear a Love Island inspired bikini that would appear to have been fashioned from a luggage strap. Likewise I don’t need insurance for my imaginary horse. But a short while ago, Facebook dished up an ad that actually had me clicking. It was for one of those fancy moisturising sheet masks that have been all the rage for the past couple of years. However, this one, you use on your bottom.

Hooray. Yet something else to add to the list of things you didn’t know you needed to worry about. Of course, we’ve been asked to worry about cellulite for years. But this is different. Is your bottom suitably hydrated? Could it do with a quick shot of collagen and fruit acids to make sure that if you’re ever hit by a bus while wearing a flippy skirt over a G-string, the people filming the aftermath – when they should be calling for an ambulance – get your very best angle? Yes? Then you definitely need a butt mask.

The mask I clicked on, by a brand that calls itself Bawdy Beauty, is available in a variety of flavours. Choose between Bite It, Squeeze It, Shake it and Slap It (though always ask for consent first).

Bawdy’s products are made from plant-based collagen, which is suitable for vegans. The blurb for all the masks promises that they “combat gravity” and leave you ready for the “perfect ‘buttfie”. Well, who doesn’t need to look perfect for a buttfie at all times, as we’ve already discussed? “Butt is the new face!”, as Bawdy Beauty founder Sylwia Wiesenberg told cosmeticsdesign.com.

Going into detail, the Bite It mask further promises “to reduce the appearance of lines and wrinkles leaving your skin plump, completely refreshed”. Lines and wrinkles on your bum? Isn’t the bum the last place to get lined, considering that, generally speaking, it isn’t exposed to the sunlight? Apparently not.

Meanwhile Shake It contains marine algae and is described as a “firming and illuminating butt mask [that] gives your butt an instant glow and optically sculpts your cheeks”. Who doesn’t want an illuminated bottom?

However, the mask I chose was Slap It, which, in addition to the general uplifting claims of the brand, also contains caffeine for “retexturizing and detoxifying” to improve skin texture and help to improve skin tone.

Out of the packet, the green mask looked like two segments of a soggy exploded balloon, one printed with “slap”, the other “it”. Getting them into position was tricky, a manouver that really required an assistant. The texture was interesting. Like wet loo roll. I hoped the mask wouldn’t leave a print. I hoped it would live up to expectations.

The mask had to be worn for at least 10 minutes, which I spent face down on my bed worried that my neighbour would forget I was back from my hols and wander in to water the plants. Is there any more vulnerable position in which one could find oneself than face down on a mattress with an exhortation to violence written on your bum? I was glad I hadn’t gone for Bite It.

After 10 excruciating minutes, during which I listened for the sound of a key in the front door with bat-like attention, I couldn’t wait to take the mask off for the big reveal. Had it worked? Well, the mask itself may have technically “combatted gravity” in that it didn’t immediately fall off when I stood up but while my bottom did feel smooth, I’m disappointed to say that with the mask off it was still losing the fight against Newton’s law. Perhaps I should have gone for Shake It’s optical illusion effect. Anyway I’ll spare you the “buttfie”. Suffice to say it’ll take more than a bit of “retexturizing” to turn this writer into a Kardashian.

I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised that there was no immediately noticeable difference. As a friend who works in medicine constantly reminds me: “If any of these beauty treatments actually worked, you would only be able to get them on prescription.” And perhaps the effects are cumulative. Founder Sylwia Wiesenberg “butt masks, daily”. She also admits to having butt cryotherapy and butt “facials”. That’s some serious commitment. I bet she never skips her squats either.

The Amazon reviews seemed to agree with my analysis. Weepop calls Bawdy’s Bite It mask “funny but not effective”. Lacey Yarrow agreed: “Fun to try but(t pun intended) that’s about it.”

The future of beauty they may be but there’s a distinct impression that the majority of the butt masks available online were bought for bantz, to be included in a hen night survival kit or as a cheeky gift for someone hitting a big birthday. How many of them will end up unused, gathering dust in a bathroom drawer or going straight into the rubbish along with the penis shaped straws?

While searching for more “butt masks” on Amazon, I found some other products that might give slightly longer-lasting satisfaction, including a cycling mask decorated with a pig’s snout and a printed cardboard mask of Rik Mayall’s face in a still from his absurd sitcom “Bottom”. Oh and a latex posterior complete with googly eyes to wear over your head for Halloween.

Bawdy Butt Sheet Masks claim to be 100 per cent natural and cruelty free. Their website states “we focus on clean, non-toxic formulations, free of harmful chemicals in order to protect your skin, your hormonal balance and the environment around you”. They were finalists for 2019’s World of Wipes Innovation Award for their unique composition. However, many of the butt masks on the market are less eco friendly. Like the face masks which inspired them, sheet masks for the bum might be made of materials which themselves are biodegradable – such as a cotton base –but they lose that quality when covered in chemicals designed to illuminate your cheeks. Their packaging too is generally not recyclable, since it has to be coated or made of thin aluminium to keep the contents moist. I couldn’t find any information on the Bawdy Butt packaging with regard to its composition. The plastic jiffy bag in which the mask arrived by post was definitely not recyclable.

Nearly all these masks – butt masks, Halloween masks and masks of Rik Mayall – are going straight in the bin, to eventually be found in the stomach of a whale washed up on the beach. As George Monbiot wrote with regard to Christmas gifts back in 2012: “The fatuity of the products is matched by the profundity of the impacts”.

In my view, bottom-moisturising masks are just another thing you don’t need to cure a problem you almost certainly don’t have. If you do have a dry bottom that’s more month-old avocado than peach, then why not try a sea-salt scrub then baby cream. It works for babies (the cream bit), who do have the world’s smoothest bottoms after all.