Deborah Ross: No moral outrage seems to fit

Perhaps I had moral outrage once, but left it somewhere? On a train, perhaps? I am always leaving things on trains, like gloves and umbrellas. But when I contacted the Lost Property people they said while they are, it's true, awash with gloves and umbrellas they've yet to ever have any moral outrage handed in. Actually, that's not strictly the case. They did recently find some moral outrage to do with gay marriage, but as I didn't recognise it as ever having been mine, I could not rightly claim it. Still, I did helpfully suggest that a committed Christian was sure to turn up for it shortly. It's not as if they are not going to notice it's missing, after all.

So, moral outrage – and how to get some. Are there shops? Be good if there were because then I could pop in and have the assistant say: "You have come to the right place. We are the moral outrage specialists and all our moral outrage is handmade here in Britain, unlike the moral outrage that is bought in cheaply from Taiwan and is rubbish. Nick Clegg always buys the cheapest moral outrage and he's lucky if it lasts the week. Then, once it's fallen apart, it's as if he doesn't want to remember ever owning it! He just looks all sheepish and uncomfortable should you bring it up! Now, what sort of moral outrage are you after, exactly?"

I would ask to be talked through all that was available. "OK," the assistant will say. "We have moral outrage that is 50 per cent moral and 50 per cent outrage, or we have the finer, three-ply moral outrage that is one per cent moral and 99 per cent outrage and is made from the soft, downy underbelly of Simon Heffer. It's dry-clean only, alas, but really does the business. You'll constantly be in a lather of fury, and we can even backdate it so you can have it in for the BBC from the very day you were born."

At this point, I would say I wasn't ready for moral outrage at that strength, and did they have anything more entry-level? Did they have a "Mildly Fired Up If I Have The Energy" range? This would, I think, suit me best – I'm already hoping to get mildly fired up about badgers – but I don't know. I probably won't have the energy so it'll be a waste of the money I could have otherwise spent on an expensive face cream that doesn't bloody work... hey, it may be working already!