Nine things women wish men understood about how they’d live their lives if they didn’t feel so unsafe

Earlier this year, after six weeks of travelling alone around cities across Latin America for work, I met a male photographer friend in Buenos Aires. Walking together at night, my shoulders slackened, my mood lifted, my brow unfurrowed. That’s when I realised how hard I’d been working to keep myself safe.

Six weeks of grasping my house keys as a makeshift weapon in my hand. Looking over my shoulder when I heard a noise and crossing the road if I had to; scanning every person I passed as a potential threat. I do the same when I’m alone in Belfast – my hometown, London, or Barcelona. I don’t feel less safe in Latin America, but I was completely alone here. When I tried to explain this to my friend and he said, “Yeah, I’ve not been taking my iPhone out” it was clear that he, like the best men I know, was wildly clueless about the daily lived experience of the women they know.

And so anything that kick starts this conversation is to be welcomed, be it a viral clip of Saoirse Ronan politely reminding her male panellists on Graham Norton that women are constantly pre-empting attack, or a new dystopian crime drama on Paramount+ that imagining a Women’s Safety Act that decreed men stayed indoors at night. If you’re a man reading this and wondering why so many women answered, bear to the recent would-you-rather-meet-a-man-or-bear-in-the-woods question on social media, here are the things we would love to do without thinking twice.

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1. Go for a solo hike or jog

I’m a solo traveller – I’ve written a book about it – and hiking and running alone is one of my favourite things to do. But this doesn’t mean I’m fearless on these solo adventures; far from it. I never enjoy a solo hike in a spectacular region without fleetingly imagining devastating headlines, and wondering if a rapist is lurking behind the next tree. This is not being “melodramatic”, this is being a woman. Like one in five women (conservative figures) I’ve been sexually attacked by a stranger. We aren’t imagining things.

2. Put our headphones in

Women do continual risk assessments throughout our day, sussing out if it’s safe to walk home with our headphones in, go for a run when it’s semi-dark, or take that deserted underpass. Plus mishaps that are an inconvenience to men – breaking down at the side of the road, getting lost on foot in an unfamiliar city – are a danger if you’re a woman. Vigilance is tiring and I wish we didn’t have to think so hard about how to protect ourselves.

3. Save money on cabs and the rest

Because women have to think about our safety, we spend more money on it. I often wish I could walk home, but am persuaded by friends to pay for a cab so they don’t have to worry about me. I’ve booked a more expensive hotel in a different area after reading Expedia reviews saying an area was dodgy. And I am privileged in being able to pay this premium. Many women can’t. Safety shouldn’t be a luxury purchase.

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4. Not grin and bear it

My male best friend once told me I should feel “powerful” when strangers find me attractive. I had to explain to this smart, sensitive man that being hissed at in the street by predatory strangers doesn’t feel like power Quite the opposite! Being called attractive by people we find attractive is nice. Being informed, crudely and sometimes humiliatingly, that some stranger wants to have sex with us, feels like a threat.

Every woman or girl has been subjected to some variation of the following tirade:

“Hey sexy/nice dress/alright sweetheart”

“Hey. Hey? HEY!”

“Nobody wants you anyway, you stuck-up b****.”

However “harmlessly” street harassment starts, women are braced for a rapid escalation in abuse. And the abuse I get is basic white-girl misogyny compared to the vile racist sexist abuse some of my friends get. Men rarely hear this, because abusive men are cowards who behave differently with other men in the street.

6. Take the quickest route home

Getting home, day or night, is never about the quickest routes. Women need to choose well-lit and densely populated streets, something that as yet, Google and Apple Maps do not factor in. We’ll avoid parks. We don’t feel we can risk popping into a public toilet if we’re alone. If we’ve worn high heels, we’ll bring trainers or flat shoes so we’re less vulnerable on our way home. And we’ll arrange with friends to text each other when we get back. “Home safe!” “Not dead!” “Uber driver not a killer!” I’m not kidding: this is literally what we text each other.

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7. Not have to humour your problematic friend

Men think they know what bad heterosexual male behaviour looks like; that what happens on a “boys’ night” is as “wild” as a man gets. The truth is men have no idea what bad men do. Men are at their worst when they’re alone with a woman and in a position of power. Women know this. We’ve either been traumatised by a man like this, or we’ve had to support friends or sisters who have. We can spot these men a mile off, and that’s why we have less of a “sense of humour” about that “problematic” male friend.

8. Leave our drinks on the bar

Sometimes we’ll ask another woman to keep an eye on our drink, or even bring it to the loo with us. We all know women have been spiked. We don’t want to be next.

9. Not have to explain ourselves again and again

We know in some environments, we’re less at risk than men: I’m less likely to be involved in a pub brawl or street violence, for example. Being a woman gives me some safety advantages at work and in life – in my job, I have been offered access, hospitality and help that a male reporter might not have been given.

But safety is not a zero-sum game and this is not about women blaming men. It’s about good people of all genders recognising that gender-based violence (and men get mostly attacked by other men, lest we forget) is a serious societal problem that needs tackling on all levels.

The first step of any man who considers himself an ally of women is to believe us when we express fears or worries about our safety. If a woman hasn’t been attacked, harassed or abused herself, someone close to her has been. The statistics are out there, and they’re awful. Don’t suggest we’re neurotic, or that we “need to chill”. We’re not making this up.