Meghan says her informality was ‘jarring’: Why are some of us just not huggers?
In her Netflix documentary, the Duchess of Sussex speaks about the first time she met William and Kate.
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Your support makes all the difference.Speaking in the first instalment of episodes from docuseries Harry & Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex has revealed details of her first meeting with the Prince and Princess of Wales.
“They came over for dinner, I remember I was in ripped jeans and I was barefoot,” she says. “I was a hugger. I’ve always been a hugger, I didn’t realise that is really jarring for a lot of Brits.”
Recalling how she started to understand “very quickly” how the formality of royal life continued behind closed doors, she continues: “There is a forward-facing way of being, and then you close the door and go, ‘You can relax now’, but that formality carries over on both sides. And that was surprising to me.”
So, why do some people like hugging, while others aren’t comfortable with it at all?
Personal preference
“It’s different for everybody,” says Dr Audrey Tang, chartered psychologist and author of The Leader’s Guide To Mindfulness (draudreyt.com/books), who describes the four zones in which humans generally interact: public, social, personal and intimate.
“It just means you don’t want your personal space invaded [if you don’t like hugging],” she explains. “It’s lovely that for Meghan, she’s comfortable walking around in bare feet and being a hugger, but it’s no personal sleight on anybody else who isn’t.”
What does it feel like to be on the receiving end of an unwanted hug?
“It can lead to a lot of anxiety,” Tang says. “It can lead to a sense of mistrust, because your boundaries have been crossed.”
Upbringing can play a part, but not always: “Even if you’ve grown up in a family where touch is a very common thing, your own personal preference may simply be ‘I don’t like this’.”
And in the case of some psychological disorders, physical contact can be very uncomfortable, Tang says: “It’s a very common symptom or behaviour for people on the autistic spectrum. They do not like hugging, and it’s not because of the intimacy necessarily, but simply an oversensitivity to bodily heat and temperature.”
Benefits of touch
For those who are comfortable with physical affection, it can be hugely beneficial for your health and wellbeing.
“Researchers found that babies in orphanages who received less touch were more likely to become sick and recovered more slowly, or sadly didn’t recover,” explains Tang.
“Research has shown hugs boost the immune system, produce endorphins and oxytocin,” known as feel-good hormones. A lack of contact, termed ‘skin hunger’ is “correlated with lower levels of happiness”.
Culture shock
As for Meghan’s assertion that hugging is “really jarring for a lot of Brits”, in reality, the difference may be more down to background than nationality.
“We’ve got to be very careful with making broad based claims like that. Even in the UK, you can notice differences depending on how you’ve been brought up,” says Tang, using the example of where people choose to position themselves on a train.
“People who have been brought up in London or a more crowded town are more likely to stand or sit closer to you, because that is what they’re used to.
“If you’ve grown up in a more rural area where there’s countryside, you’re not going to stand that close to people, because it’s simply not what you’re used to.”
Ask before you hug
How should we navigate greeting someone new without making it awkward?
“It’s appropriate to ask, ‘Can I hug you?'” Tang says. “Especially now, I find myself asking that even more often, because some people still are concerned about social distancing.”
This is particularly important if there’s a cultural difference to bear in mind: “If you are, perhaps, in somebody else’s area, it may be worth saying, ‘Do you mind if I do this?’ Or at least not take offense if somebody doesn’t hug you back.”
And if you’re the one being approached by a stranger with open arms?
“You can put a hand out to shake, or say, ‘I’m social distancing’ or, ‘Sorry, I’ve got a bit of a cold’,” Tang suggests. “I know we don’t want to cause offence, but at the same time, we don’t have to be subjected to unwanted physical contact.”