Lottie Tomlinson on coping with grief at Christmas and mixed emotions of motherhood after losing her own mother

Lottie Tomlinson is loving being a new mum.

“I mean I’m really lucky, because he’s sleeping through the night now, which is amazing,” says the model, make-up artist and influencer – and sister of One Direction singer Louis Tomlinson – whose baby boy Lucky was born in August.

“It’s just been such a life-changing experience for me, it’s taught me a lot. It feels like the light at the end of the tunnel,” adds the 24-year-old, “because I’ve been through so much over the past few years. To have my little family almost feels like I’ve come through all of that, and I’ve got my happy ending, almost.”

It’s hard to summarise what Tomlinson, whose partner is former professional British tennis player Lewis Burton, has been through.

In December 2016, her mum Johannah Deakin died from an aggressive form of leukaemia. Tomlinson was 18 at the time. Two-and-a-half years later in March 2019, her younger sister Félicité (Fizzy) died from an accidental overdose.

Tomlinson admits becoming a mum herself has brought a mix of emotions.

“It’s obviously been hard, because it’s been a big realisation that my mum will never meet my son, which is really hard to come to terms with,” she says. “But at the same time, it’s made me feel closer to her because I’ve kind of got that relationship back – the mother kind of relationship that I’ve missed out on since I lost my mum. And I can feel how she would have felt having us kids, now I’ve got my own son. So, there’s happy moments and sad moments with it.”

Johannah had seven children (as well as Lottie, Félicité and twins Phoebe and Daisy with her former husband Mark Tomlinson, who’s also Louis’ stepdad, she had twins Ernest and Doris with Daniel Deakin).

She also worked as a midwife for 14 years – something Tomlinson feels especially proud of.

“I think that made it quite hard during the pregnancy, because obviously there were a lot of questions that I wished I could ask her, but I couldn’t. That was tough,” she reflects. “But at the same, her being a midwife always made me really fascinated and interested in all that stuff growing up, so it was quite nice to be in that position. I felt closer to her because of that.”

She may not be able to ask her mum those questions now, but Tomlinson says: “I’m always talking about her and using what advice I think she would give me, because I obviously remember a lot of her ways and how she parented and brought us up.

“I think I’m really lucky to have all that – that knowledge of how I want to parent – from her. I’m always really grateful for that.”

She’ll make sure Lucky knows how wonderful Johannah was too.

“It’s really important to me to keep her memory alive and make sure he knows who she was, because she’s such a big part of my life and always will be, and it’s really important for me for him to know that. I think I’ll just always speak of her as his nanny in heaven.”

Tomlinson became an ambassador for palliative and bereavement support charity Sue Ryder in 2020 and is currently supporting their new ‘The Empty Chair’ campaign – highlighting how mealtimes can be particularly tough after a loss.

In fact, in a recent survey, the charity found sitting down for meals is one of the biggest challenges people face while grieving, with 72% admitting they’ve skipped meals as a result.

To raise awareness, they set up a dining table with 13 empty chairs – each representing a person that’s died, along with a photo and personal item relating to them.

“I think it’s a really clever way to get people talking more about it,” says Tomlinson, who is one of a few celebrities to have had a chair set up at the table for their late mothers.

It’s part of Sue Ryder’s wider #GriefKind campaign, designed to help people find ways to support those they care about who are going through grief. Their survey also found three-fifths (59%) of bereaved people say being invited over for dinner helped them feel less alone.

Tomlinson cherishes memories of family mealtimes growing up.

“It’s the time we all just sit down and chat and spend time together. With the fast pace of life these days, it’s not often easy to get that time,” she reflects. “So I think a lot of nice memories are built around mealtimes growing up, mum doing the cooking, everyone discussing their day. It is a special time, which can then be quite a sad time once you’ve lost that special person.”

With so many kids piled around the table, mealtimes were often a bit “mad”, she recalls with a laugh. “And it’s still like that, especially at Christmas, that’s always crazy,” Tomlinson adds. “I think that’s why it’s a nice time to launch this campaign, because Christmas will be hard for many people who are going through a loss.”

What things have helped Tomlinson with her own grief?

“I think leaning on each other is really important. But then personally, I found talking therapy really helpful. I never went for therapy first time around with my mum, and then I did the second time round, just so that I could keep myself as strong as possible.

“That’s another reason I work with Sue Ryder because they offer so many amazing services for people that maybe can’t find the support or can’t afford to pay for therapy. They’ve got qualified counsellors that can help, and chat rooms and that kind of thing.”

She agrees there’s no timeline when it comes to processing grief and seeking counselling support.

“Some people want to get straight into [counselling], and some need time to process the loss and then speak to someone. Some might get a few years down the line and think they’ve dealt with it, and find they then get stuck in a sad place again, so they want to find some help. There’s no rules. It’s trial and error as well. I was quite sceptical at first – I just thought, how much is that really going to help? But I was shocked by how much it did.”

Tomlinson, who was born in Doncaster but now lives in London, will be heading up north with Lucky and Burton for Christmas. “We are a close family, so we always prioritise being together on that day, and especially since we’ve gone through the losses, we’ve made sure we’re together so we can support each other,” she says. “So we’ll go for a couple of days and then come back, because obviously we’ve got Lewis’ family down south.”

Do they have any special rituals for remembering their loved ones?

“We have a bauble we always put on our tree, which has my mum and Fizzy’s names on it. And we’ll raise a glass at the mealtime to keep their memory alive,” she says.

Sue Ryder ambassador Lottie Tomlinson is supporting the charity’s new ‘The Empty Chair’ campaign encouraging family and friends to be ‘Grief Kind’ by adding a seat to your table, so no one has to go through grief alone. Visit sueryder.org/griefkind