The Great British Bake Off 2016 episode two recap: The bakers snapped in biscuit week

I associate biscuits with a steaming cup of tea and calm, cosy scenes around the kitchen table. Maybe a bit of Digestive breaking off into the builders is about as dramatic as it gets. But then again this was Bake Off and biscuit week proved to be pretty gosh darn dramatic – note the lack of swearing, I’m following the bakers’ lead.

We’re now on the second week in the tent so the contestants are starting to become fully-formed in my mind – well they now have actual names, at least. They were tackling 24 iced biscuits in the technical, Viennese Whirls in the signature (those pale, melt-in-the-mouth swirly biscuits with jam and buttercream in the middle) and a “3D gingerbread story” in the showstopper. By “story”, Paul and Mary did not have a Hansel and Gretel-style gingerbread house decorated with dolly mixtures in mind. Oh no, these were some serious structures that had to be at least 30cm high and incorporate no less than eight characters or objects. The bakers rose to the challenge (sorry) and designs included a couple of churches, a mountain scene, the Empire State and the Chrysler buildings, as well as err, a Brownie pack.

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Bakeastrophes
There were repeated crimes against snappiness in the signature. Most notably, when Paul cruelly declared Andrew’s beautiful looking bee-themed creations as lacking snap and tasting “stale”. Candice, bless her, decided to make 48 biccies for her double-layered, salted caramel heart biscuits (yum). Paul declared the look “hideous” but the taste “amazing”. There’s no pleasing some people. Louise and Jane both dropped some bakes – maybe actual butter fingers? – and Jane, Val and Louise all ran out of time leaving half-iced biscuits. The whirls proved difficult, too; mostly there was not enough definition on the whirly bits and Rav had a size issue. But it was the showstopper round that saw some serious structural failures amid much gasping and astonishingly, no swearing (well done, editors). Val’s Statue of Liberty got decapitated and it all seemed a bit ominous when Louise, working on a story depicting her upcoming nuptials, declared: “It’s my wedding day, so it’s got to come out. It’s got to be right.” Her white church promptly completely collapsed. Hmm.

Baking Bonanzas
When Tom got a much-coveted handshake from Paul in the signature for his chai frapelattechino biscuits, we all cheered for him. Brownie leader Kate earned her hospitality badge in the technical when her whirls topped the pile. And singing, ginger engineer Andrew – fast becoming my favourite baker – won the prize for most elaborate structure; his Punting in Cambridge scene had 37 components and came with a technical drawing any plane designer would be proud of. It was Selasi's insouciance that I loved this week, though. That man so damn nonchalant. When everyone else was sweating over their creations, he was snacking or trying to get a red-faced and decidedly stressed Louise to chill out while he helped her finish off her biscuits. Someone give that man a medal, or at least a Star Baker accolade.

History Segment
If not enough words have been dedicated to the dunking debate this week, Sue added fuel to the fire with a potted history of the art. Apparently people used to dip their bakes in booze, and it was the Victorians who saw sense and paired their sweet treats with a cuppa. It might be because I’m a bit of a social history geek but I love these jolly – and informative – little breaks in the tension. And it was nice to see Sue who missed this episode (her first in the show’s history) due to a family bereavement.

In the end, Candice edged it with the detail in her showstopper, a model of her family’s old pub. It was her sticky ginger “carpet” and lime green jelly gauze on the pool table that won it. As predicted Louise’s already sorry gingerbread story did not have a happy ending and she got sent packing. Let’s hope that’s not an omen for her marriage, eh!? Until next week.

Paul’s putdown of the week: “Reminds me of a Thai green curry” – On tasting Rav’s coconut bunting biscuits.

Mary’s understatement of the week: “I wouldn’t give top marks to the actual piping.” When confronted with the very dodgy decoration on Michael’s self-proclaimed “Santa’s workshop from hell”.

Innuendo of the week: “I think your sister tastes lovely.” – Paul on part of Val’s collapsed Empire State Building gingerbread story.

Candice lipstick watch: She went for a natty fuchsia pink and promised Mel that she would wear red if she got to bread week. So we’ll keep this vital update going.

Baking word of the week: Flooding. Nope, not the aftermath of a deluge, but a method of icing when bakers fill in the piped outline. Both Candice and Jane used the magic word this week.

Pheasant watch: The well-endowed squirrel is ancient Bake Off history. This week, the pheasant was back, wondering through some daffs. We’re quite fond of him now. How fickle we all are.

Dad joke of the week: “I think they’re wheely good.” – Mel on Selasi’s car-shaped chilli biscuits.