The Real Housewives of Cheshire, TV review: give this woman a show of her own, it would be an instant hit

Every now and again a TV programme comes along that makes you feel ever so slightly ashamed to be human. Big Brother, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, The Only Way Is Essex, anything presented by and/or starring Danny Dyer. And now, courtesy of ITVBe, The Real Housewives of Cheshire.

You don’t need to have seen it to understand why it is so offensive. It’s about a group of six mega-rich “housewives” living in some of the UK’s most affluent suburbs who stage a series of arguments for the camera. And if you did watch it, don’t be surprised if your blood is still physically boiling from the realisation that not only are these people stupid, not only are they unimaginably rich with no explanation as to where this wealth is coming from, not only are they particularly unpleasant to one another and their supposed loved ones, but someone over at ITV thought it would be a good idea to give them a platform to be all of these things all at once – and to earn more money while doing it.

Dripping in fake tan, hair extensions and bling, Ampika, Dawn, Lauren, Leanne, Magali and Tanya were last night seen launching a calendar in aid of breast cancer charity CoppaFeel (although I’ve looked into it and of the £8.99 cover price, it appears that only £1 goes to charity) featuring a series of very desperate housewives-style images. Magali was also planning her wedding vow renewal (to ex-footballer Dean Gorré), Leanne was launching a children’s fashion range and Ampika was trying to bag herself a date.

Things panned out somewhat predictably.

There was a hushed row at the calendar launch because Magali didn’t want to invite Dawn to her vow renewal owing to an earlier row about something else. There was a row about Ampika’s date because Lauren had organised it and then he stood her up. Although industrious Ampika did manage to bag herself a last-minute replacement by texting some bloke from her gym.

Lauren also had a row with her husband Paul after getting an A3 poster-sized tattoo on her back without consulting him first. And there was much discussion about the rows that were surely to come with the vow renewal pending.

The only saving grace in this blur of make-up and fake hair was Ampika’s “housekeeper” Lesley. Her responses were so sharp, so straightforward and so bloody correct that she should be employed exclusively to bring rich people back down to earth. “I don’t want this any more,” said Ampika of a hideous leather jacket with fur trim. “I mean there was no change from £10,000 but you can get a bit sentimental about these things, can’t you?”

“I wouldn’t know,” barked Lesley. “I’ve never had a £10,000 jacket to get sentimental about.”

Upon inspecting Ampika’s outfit choice she concluded. “First dates are about creating a good impression and you won’t do that with your boobs hanging out.” But my favourite put-down came when Ampika was pondering her date’s age. “I think he’s in his late thirties or early forties” she mused. “Too young for you then,” said Lesley.

Seriously, give this woman a show of her own – The Real Housekeepers of Cheshire would be an instant hit.