Royal Navy School, Channel 4, TV review: This felt like one long advert for the Navy rather than a warts-and-all look at basic training

Remember that recruitment advert that aired last year following a guy’s story from scrawny schoolboy to burly, tattooed military man? “Sure, I was born in Carlisle, but I was made in the Royal Navy,” he said in broad Cumbrian tones. Not-so-subtle subtext: the Navy makes a man (or woman out of you). Training facility HMS Raleigh clearly only let the cameras in on the agreement that everyone would be on message, as though enjoyable, this first episode was relentless in pushing the point.

Eighteen year-old recruit Hugh Harland and his dad could have been reading from a HM-approved script. “Joining the navy will hopefully make a man out of him,” said Mr Harland. Later: “He went to Raleigh as a young boy and he’s going to come out a man.“ Hugh was not happy about all the washing and being shouted at by fat, bald blokes on a power trip, but by the end of the first couple of weeks was declaring the lads his “new family” and getting better at the ironing.

But let’s be honest, the reason people watch these programmes is because they want to see the recruits really suffering. Alas, real hardship was thin on the ground here. Aside from beating newbies with tired catch-phrases –“This is the Royal Navy, not the Royal Mail”– the officers were secretly quite nice. My take-away was that to be in the Navy you need the folding skills of Marie Kondo, the rope-climbing ability of Curious George and an appreciation of motivational bullshit on par with an Apprentice candidate. If you’ve got all that, then you’ll ace it.