Great British Bake Off episode 6 review: High drama and leaky cracks in Pastry Week

Oh God, I love pie week. Well, technically it’s called pastry week, but we all know what that really means – pies, glorious pies. Five bakers down, seven to go, and after a month of sickly sweet treats I’m ready for savoury. Bring on the meats, the cheeses, the reduced loganberries (courtesy of Steven, of course) – and bring on Paul looking like a kid in a sweet – well, pie – shop as he’s finally allowed to get his teak-coloured chops around some proper MAN food.

My favourite thing about pastry week is undoubtedly heating up a shop-bought pie in the oven for 10 minutes while the bakers spend two and a half hours sweating, slaving and cursing over their own short-crust versions and decorating them with bizarre, thematic adornments. There’s just something so comforting about the fact that I don’t have to do it.

This week’s signature consists of baking four short-crust pies with a savoury filling and different yet linked decorations, ranging from the straightforward (Sophie’s four seasons pies) to the downright weird (Kate’s portraits of inspirational historical figures, including John Lennon and Einstein – spoiler, they don’t turn out great).

“It is quite a challenge – you have to come up with all this decoration, and then on top of that, you’ve got to have good pastry,” says Steven, pretending he’s just like all the other bakers when we know he’s a demi-god who will probably produce some kind of miracle pie that doubles up as a piece of modern art and a life-saving defibrillator.

Noel quickly dubs Yan’s creations, inspired by science, “Nerd pies” – which is quite apt considering she’s using binary code as decoration. “Ah?” says Paul, in a way that suggests he is not completely looking forward to getting a gobful of geekery. The theme extends beyond the decorations, as Yan also reveals she is using quite a complex-looking equation to make “the perfect pie”. Hey, it’s science. Don’t question it.

Julia is the only one putting her fillings in raw rather than cooking them off first – which helps reduce the chances of a soggy bottom – but thankfully the judges are distracted from her potential faux pas by Noel’s patter. As she describes her theme of “things found in trees” (admittedly, pretty loose), the humour inches towards Fielding’s Luxury Comedy days as he asks why she hasn’t included a monkey, a sloth or, indeed, Fielding himself, as he lives in a hollowed out tree. “I’m gonna get out of here, it’s getting really weird,” Paul says, putting into words what we’re all thinking. On the one hand, I like that Fielding is clearly relaxing into the presenting role and feels more comfortable being himself. On the other, I wish he would just limit himself to near-the-knuckle sexual innuendoes in the well-established Bake Off tradition. It should basically be a Carry On film, but with cake.

Back to the pies, and in the end it’s a game of two halves when it comes to judging – Liam’s football themed incarnations are “a bit of a triumph”, Sophie’s earn her a Prue Pat (the poor man’s Hollywood Handshake) and Stacey’s are declared “a proper Northern pie” by Paul. “Reminds me of my nan,” he adds, which prompts an unbearably smug expression as she looks gleefully around the tent to check everyone’s listening.

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On the other end of the spectrum, Kate’s are deemed “boring”, Julia’s “overbaked” and Yan’s “a mess” (turns out science can’t predict pie perfection after all). Usually top-of-the-class Steven causes me to question everything I thought I knew about Bake Off by landing in the middle – his pies taste good, not incredible.

The technical challenge sorts the wheat from the chaff though, with a pastel de nata bake that makes me seriously consider making a late-night run to a 24-hour bakery. Is there anything nicer than a Portuguese tart? Normally, the answer is a resounding “no”. In a technical challenge with paltry instructions, however, the answer is, “Urrr… maybe? Probably? Oh yes, definitely.”

Things can go wrong “from the very beginning,” according to Paul. “They’ve got to understand the philosophy of how a rough-puff pastry actually works.” Philosophy? In baking? Blimey.

It’s amazing the tension that can be created by seven people in a tent putting butter shavings onto pastry and diligently folding it. Liam’s never made a custard, Kate’s never made rough-puff pastry and Julia’s never been to Portugal, so it’s a day of firsts for everyone.

The anxiety levels, however, are dampened by a return to the “food history” segment – a lovely piece of nonsense I used to enjoy in the BBC days as it provided an opportunity to grab a drink, use the facilities or generally catch up with housemates/partners/hangers on. Now I find it a touch unnecessary, what with the relentless and long-winded ad breaks served up by Channel 4 at every turn.

Thankfully it’s not long before we’re back with the bakers, with Liam showing his age (it’s young) by proclaiming his tarts are “bear puffy”. Time runs out and the tarts are presented – a motley bunch of the anaemic, the burnt and the just plain ugly that I hope never to run into down a dark alley. Only Yan has combined the signature swirl that is proof of good pastry lamination with a creamy, light custard – a feat that earns her the top spot. Meanwhile former Star Baker Julia is down in seventh position, with a pastry that’s more short-crust than rough-puff.

For the Showstopper, a hand-raised pie with a hot-water crust pastry is the order of the day, big enough to feed a family and baked for four hours. Four hours. I don’t think I’ve ever spent that long in a kitchen, and thank goodness.

Liam – so young! – says he’s decided to cook his pastry inside a cake tin, defeating the whole “hand-raised” element and triggering one of Paul’s signature “you have already disappointed me more than I can say” stares. Young – so young! – and adaptable, Liam opts to do it the traditional way at the last minute, despite having never tried it before. But it turns out Yan and Julia are also using the method so despised by Mr Hollywood, and they are not quite so young and adaptable; both stick to their guns.

Oh the stress of pie week! There are thermometers popping into pies, leaky cracks in pastry bottoms and Stacey looking as if she's discovered another circle of hell entitled, "The place where everything goes wrong with your pie and you fail to win Star Baker for the sixth week running and it's NOT FAIR".

Come judging time, Kate finally claws her way back from a disappointing weekend with a turmeric and potato curry pie that Paul "loves" (her gratitude is palpable). Meanwhile Stacey's worst fears are realised with Prue's catty observation that her Indian pie with mango "certainly looks home-made". Ouch. Worse still, in what could be one of the worst mistakes all season, there's still a piece of baking parchment in the bottom of the pie. Baking boffin Steven has created something that looks like it could be the cover star of the M&S Food Christmas catalogue but is pronounced "a bit bland" in flavour; seriously, WHAT IS GOING ON?

Yan edges closer to star baker with a chequerboard patterned sausage-meat pie that tastes wonderful, while Julia falls even lower, with overcooked fillings and undercooked pastry. But it's young Liam who steals the show with his, in Paul's words, "spectacular" goat pie. This feat earns him Star Baker (and his nan a potential date with Paul Hollywood). Sadly, the lovely Julia's disappointing performance in all three challenges means she is the sixth contestant to vacate the tent, leaving Stacey to fight another day. Phew, after all this tension, only another Portuguese tart can calm my nerves...