We need to talk about that bonkers, heart-stopping Traitors finale

Has your heart stopped hammering in your chest yet? No, not because it’s Christmas Eve tomorrow. But because The Traitors – the best reality TV show of 2022 – aired its finale last night, with more twists and turns, backstabbing and roaring fires than Game of Thrones. And we need to talk about it.

BBC One’s sleeper hit (watched by more people in the UK than Netflix’s Harry and Meghan) saw 22 strangers play a game, akin to Mafia or Werewolf, in a Scottish Highlands castle in the hope of winning up to £120,000.

Hosted by Claudia Winkleman – who was so invested in proceedings that she actually cried in the final episode – the show divided the contestants into traitors and faithfuls. The traitors “killed” off faithfuls one by one, all while trying to go undetected, and the faithfuls selected who to banish on suspicion of being a traitor.

It has been totally addictive for several reasons. Firstly, Winkleman’s knitwear, which, as my colleague Jessie Thompson put it, is “so snug it increasingly looks like it might smother her entire face”. Secondly, the way it makes you ask yourself: “What would I do in this situation? Could I be this two-faced?” And thirdly, no one is falling in love with each other after two days, or saying the words “can I pull you for a chat?” Instead, the catchphrase of this series has been: “I’m 100 per cent faithful.”

In The Traitors’ final week, hun-icon Amanda was brutally betrayed by her fellow traitor, MVP Wilfred. He then brought the helplessly guilty-looking Kieran over to the dark side and they “murdered” lovely Andrea and Maddy.

There were five left in the finale last night: traitors Wilf and Kieran, and faithfuls Hannah, Meryl and Aaron. After a trial involving jumping out of a helicopter, racing across a Scottish loch to find money, and a lot of shrieking, the group gathered around the dreaded roundtable.

Poor old Kieran was swiftly thrown under the bus by the ruthless Wilf, who didn’t have much trouble persuading the others that he was guilty because, bless him, the solutions consultant did look incredibly shifty (and sad). But Kieran wasn’t going down without a final f*** you to Wilf, and he left the faithfuls with a “parting gift” – his single vote to banish his fellow traitor.

Wilf flipped, as they say, his lid. He shouted and screamed, protesting his innocence, claiming he couldn’t understand why on earth Kieran would accuse him. People are already calling for him to be cast in EastEnders.

Despite the group (especially Hannah, who has the best crying face in the land) having grown so close to Wilf, they couldn’t get Kieran’s words out of their head, and so, in a pain-staking process of revelation that saw their votes being revealed by the colour of a burning flame (had to be there), they banished him too.

Wilf, who’s been – I think unfairly – villainised on social media over the weeks for playing such an excellent game, burst into tears with relief. So did Claudia. So did a lot of us at home. He told the group he’d been a traitor all this time, and he seemed genuinely chuffed for his pals to win.

“You’re a massive d***head but I love you so much,” was Aaron’s perfect, nuanced response. He, Hannah and Meryl split the dosh and ran off grinning and weeping into the Scottish castle, to neck a bottle of wine, £33,683 richer.

And with that, I think we all need a lie-down before the festivities begin.