Hollyoaks star Joe Tracini reveals daily battle with borderline personality disorder
The former Hollyoaks star talks about misconceptions of BPD and the voice inside his head he calls ‘Mick’.
Your support helps us to tell the story
From reproductive rights to climate change to Big Tech, The Independent is on the ground when the story is developing. Whether it's investigating the financials of Elon Musk's pro-Trump PAC or producing our latest documentary, 'The A Word', which shines a light on the American women fighting for reproductive rights, we know how important it is to parse out the facts from the messaging.
At such a critical moment in US history, we need reporters on the ground. Your donation allows us to keep sending journalists to speak to both sides of the story.
The Independent is trusted by Americans across the entire political spectrum. And unlike many other quality news outlets, we choose not to lock Americans out of our reporting and analysis with paywalls. We believe quality journalism should be available to everyone, paid for by those who can afford it.
Your support makes all the difference.Former Hollyoaks actor Joe Tracini has opened up about having borderline personality disorder (BDP) and being sexually abused as a child.
In his new documentary, Me and the Voice in My Head, the 35-year-old discusses his struggles and the common misconceptions surrounding the illness.
He also details the sexual abuse he was subjected to as a child for the first time and how it impacted his struggle with BPD.
While there is no single cause of BPD, being a victim of emotional, physical or sexual abuse and being exposed to long-term distress as a child are common among people with the illness.
Speaking about his own experiences in the documentary, Joe said: “The things I’ve done I feel are entirely being driven by an eight-year-old who is really p****d off. I didn’t think exploring my childhood was going to help, but it feels like it has. I’ve got a long way to go but by starting to open up, I’m starting to realise that the way I am and the way I feel is not my fault.”
He added how the abuse could have sparked his mental health problems and said: “I do believe that it’s related to childhood and it’s related to that.
“This documentary gives me an opportunity to try to move on from it a little bit.”
It is the first time the actor - known for his role as Dennis Savage in Hollyoaks from 2011 to 2014 - has opened up about his experience of childhood abuse.
“On the film, you are watching me saying that out loud for the first time,” he said. “I’m sick of being the only person who knows that that happened but also, it’s terrifying.
“As you can see, I’ve not done much work on talking about it. But at least I’m in a position now to maybe be able to help myself. I’ve not said that out loud for 29 years. I’ve not given myself any room to let people help. If I haven’t told somebody something, they can’t help. I don’t want to feel like this any more.”
The NHS describes BPD as a disorder of mood and how a person interacts with others. Someone affected will ‘differ significantly’ from an average person in terms of how they think, perceive, feel or relate to others.
Some of the symptoms of BPD include emotional instability, disturbed patterns of thinking or perception, impulsive behaviour and intense but unstable relationships with others.
Mr Tracini, who was diagnosed 10 years ago, hopes to dispel some of the common misconceptions about the disorder in his Channel 4 documentary.
“There aren’t two of me,” he said. “It’s an awful name for an illness, because I’ve got an emotional illness, it’s nothing to do with my personality.”
The son of comedian Joe Pasquale, explains he’s given the name ‘Mick’ to the voice inside his head.
“It’s so difficult to understand what these things are and what they can do to you, and it’s counter-productive sometimes, because people take the way I explain it with ‘Mick’ the wrong way.
“I’m not saying I’ve got another personality, there aren’t two of me, that’s not the point,” says the actor. “I shouldn’t be ashamed of having a mental illness – I know it’s not my fault.”
Many people with BPD also have other mental health conditions including misusing alcohol or drugs. Mr Tracini has also opened up about battling drug and alcohol addiction and having suicidal thoughts
I’ve been suicidal for so long now, and such a big part of me is talking about the fact that I think about it, and this is to try and get some level of understanding about suicide and about how relentless it can be,” he says.
He added: “I was the last person to think I had a drug problem, and I did think I was getting away with it forever, and it was only when I came out of that first rehab that I realised everybody thought I was going to die.”
He says the way his BPD has affected his career has been a “nightmare”, and during the pandemic he stopped being able to go to auditions and being able to work.
“Over the last couple of years, it’s become really detrimental, but thankfully I’ve been able to talk about it and I’ve had opportunities – it’s not been an easy ride.
“Talking about it is so important, being able to talk about the past – from my experience, therapy helps. I’ve been fortunate that I’ve had a psychiatrist that I can talk to – I’m not in regular therapy because I can’t afford it.”
Tracini is thankful for the support he’s had from his family too. “I’m very grateful to my family for being as honest as they were, particularly Dad – we’re in the same business and we run them very differently,” he said.
“The way I speak about stuff and have made it part of my career is like the opposite of what Dad does. The fact he’s been as honest as he has with me, I really appreciate that. And also my heart breaks for them.
“It’s part of me, there’s nothing I can do about it, and that’s why I’m hoping that having made something [the documentary] I’m proud of.
“I wish that after all these years I was better than I am, and I’m tired. I think the past couple of years has really changed me, so having made the documentary is trying to make myself feel like I fit in the world.”
Me and the Voice in My Head is on Channel 4 at 10pm on May 13.
Anyone can contact Samaritans, free, 24/7, on 116 123, email jo@samaritans.org or visit Samaritans
If you’re travelling abroad and want to stream ‘Me and the Voice in My Head’ then you might need a VPN to unblock your streaming app. Our VPN roundup is here to help: get the best VPN deals on the market.