Love Island 2021 review: Our sweet bimbos Brad and Lucinda face the chopping block

Do you remember your first time? I do, and to both my relief and chagrin, it was like nothing I had seen in the movies. Less romance, more endurance, but ultimately, kind of worth it. I say this because Love Island is a fantasy, and part of that fantasy is the reimagined spectacle of intimacy we see each time a couple is granted access to the Hideaway.

For Millie and Liam, their chance to finally unleash some of that pent-up sexual frustration had come. Cue the kind of rare, gendered ritual that historians of the future will dust off from the archives to better understand how society in the dark ages got off. This of course starts with a separation of sorts, the men and women respectively leading one another to their annexed rooms where they will spend the next two hours engaging in a meticulous group grooming session. Inside the walk-in-boudoir, no hair was left unwaxed, no eyelash left uncurled as the girls squealed in delight at Millie’s lingerie choice.

Separated by a cloistered corridor, the boys discussed what might unfold in the bedroom away from unnerving eyes. Once the genders reunite, the lucky couple are then led in a procession to the bedchamber, where they are then cheered and howled at by the other Islanders. What awaits them is unknown, aside from the double king size bed, a drawer of sexy outfits and of course, a feather duster. If all of this makes you think of a dystopian horror movie, you’re not wrong, but it also provides a glimpse into the psyche behind the villa: a constructed fantasy of desire.

But that’s where the fantasy ends, as Millie and Liam’s hideaway experience became one big gag. It’s hard to articulate what or who Liam is, a man who seems like a horny Welsh grandad trapped in the body of a strapping young man. It was also hard in another sense to witness the flag flying at half-mast as Liam and Millie snogged in bed over an acoustic soundtrack of “Mr Brightside”. Nonetheless, at least they’re getting some.

The same can’t be said for Sharon, who, out of sheer boredom, is trying to make it work with Hugo. It’s been a rough road for Sharon, but seeking out any semblance of attraction for a man who refused to talk to you on day two? Sharon, you should know better. So should Kaz, who this episode was doing her utmost to make “Shugo” a reality. Kaz, stop trying to make Shugo happen. It’s not going to happen.

Last but not least, the stage was set for Ken and Barbie to embark upon their first date. Emerging out into the Mallorcan sun like the Prom King and Queen of the villa, this was Brad’s opportunity to show Lucinda that he was more than just his body. That he can ask questions. That he is able to summon enough mental strength to flirt with Lucinda and to take an avid, genuine interest in her life beyond her bikini.

Alas, it was not to be. You have to applaud Lucinda’s clear attraction to Brad, considering it is an almost physical impossibility that someone can physically and mentally put up with conversation that bad. Instead of sweet nothings, Lucinda was met with an earful on the women of his hometown of Amble, Northumberland, to whom Brad now owes a sincere and considerate apology. Not only were they portrayed as small-town bog people, but Brad’s declaration that he “knows where they’ve been” felt a tad gross considering he is literally on a programme whose format is essentially an aesthetically pleasing version of Wife Swap. But more was in store for Brad and Lucinda, as the public vote loomed….

This country has a poor track record of voting, in reality TV and elsewhere. After a week of putting up with Chloe’s dalliance with Toby, there was an almost universal understanding that they would be the ones to feel the might of the general public. From Chloe’s strange flirtation technique of breathlessly speaking to Toby like he is an adolescent, to Toby’s “romant” comment (I’m sorry but, I died), it looked like time was up for our Agents of Chaos. Instead, we f***ed it. Guys, we had one job!

As the villa recoiled from the public vote, it’s our sweet bimbos Brad and Lucinda who face the chopping block, with only one of them able to continue their journey in the villa. Will they leave together, walking into a lucrative Boohoo Man & Woman ambassadorship deal, or will one of them stay? Although it’s anyone’s guess, I have a sneaky suspicion that Brad won’t be happy going back to Amble.