Updating The Mikado's Little List: Richard Suart on the ones who won't be missed

For a singer, preparations for a rehearsal period will always include the study and memorising of one's role, and for the Savoy Operas this will include both music and dialogue. For this Ko-Ko, preparing for another revival of Jonathan Miller's legendary production of The Mikado for English National Opera involves not only these prerequisites, but also avid reading of the papers in order to produce another group of contemporary colourful characters or “victims” who might find their way on to his Little List.

I inherited this necessary discipline from the first incumbent, Eric Idle, which was something of a poisoned chalice, but I took to the task 27 years ago and still enjoy the challenge. Exponents of this role a century ago had a very different experience. WS Gilbert was Victorian England's leading dramatist, librettist and martinet stage producer. His tyrannical regime at the Savoy Theatre allowed little individuality in the portrayal of roles. If an artist did not adhere to his wishes, or on any occasion faltered from his draconian direction, fines were imposed and deducted from the weekly wage. As the decades passed, the style of production and performance obviously changed considerably in The D'Oyly Carte Opera Company. However, the shade of Gilbert was never truly lost and artists were not allowed to tamper with Gilbert's “hallowed” text, although he himself found it necessary to change it from time to time, adding an encore verse to the 1908 revival at the Savoy. He also wrote a Little List for a children's introduction to The Mikado...

All those who hold that children shouldn't have too much to eat,

And think cold suet pudding a delicious birthday treat.

Who say that little girls to bed at seven should be sent,

And consider pocket-money isn't given to be spent.

I am often asked whether I have to submit my final version to the authorities at ENO for vetting – well, no is the answer; it seems I have their full support and am indebted to them for their trust. I cannot please everyone and occasionally we receive letters of complaint – however, most that come to me moan that I am not cutting enough. Some correspondents offer their alternatives and quite frankly they are not printable, let alone singable, although I always maintain that if you sing it, it doesn't sound quite so bad. One must always remember the playfulness of Gilbert's original.

However, I have changed the content at short notice on several occasions due to circumstances beyond my control; my list on opening night for City Opera in New York on 15 September 2001 was considerably different to the one I had been rehearsing in the weeks before. This production was also borrowed by Teatro La Fenice in Venice, and I used an Italian friend to write me a very even-handed last verse in Italian. This was pulled during the overture of the first performance as the company was concerned how it might be greeted in the Berlusconi-dominated press; what I sang on subsequent nights was my own decision. How nice, then, to get revenge some years later when the great gentleman eventually fell from grace:

The Prime Minister of Italy who seems to have a hunger

For teenage girls and prostitutes and lots of bunga bunga

Italians feature in my current list, too, as the Maggio Musicale in Florence owes me a considerable amount of money from performances I sang of Candide way back in May. They are candidates who might not make it to the last night of this run (though I fear they will still owe me the money!). I try to create a list with some lines that are eternally relevant and perhaps general in their remit:

There are those who drive along the middle of our motorways

Causing jams on the M25 that last for days and days.

And again:

And those who holiday in gîtes and think it rather chic

To drive at over 90 in their Vorsprung Durch Technik.

There are particular individuals who have caught my eye recently Russian athletes, Donald Trump and the like – they will perhaps last until Christmas but, in the new year, others will have vied to take their places. One should never underestimate the prestige that is associated with inclusion. I have even had firms write to me begging to be included, but we don't do product placement here and, frankly, I think they are missing the point. Politicians are fair game, as indeed they were in Gilbert's original:

And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind

Such as – What d'ye call him – Thing'em bob, and likewise never mind

And 'st-'st-'st - and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who

The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you.

Past luminaries of mine include our own current Prime Minister “who seems to really relish stormy weather, and reminds us constantly that we are all in this together”, and also the diminutive Speaker of the House of Commons “who can barely reach his seat, and his wife who has been posing all butt naked in a sheet”. A former Prime Minister merited several appearances, but here he is with “those weapons of mass destruction, were they really ever there? And George Dubya Bush's poodle who is known as Tony Blair”.

Foreign politicians can keep us entertained, too – “and that fraudulent dictator who is well out of our clutches; he got back home to Chile and forgot to use his crutches”.

Monica Lewinsky was brightening up our breakfast tables at the turn of the century – a tricky rhyme unless you employ the word “Chinsky”. Others include Lord Leveson “I've put him on my list – just in case I'm on his list”, and “actresses announcing publicly that they are gay, and couples who got tied up reading Fifty Shades of Grey”. It's all a bit of fun, and must remain so. I managed to include myself once – “and Ko-Kos who on writing books insist, at last I'm on my list, and deserve a big slapped wrist” – but let the final word go to Gilbert who wrote so brilliantly:

But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,

For they'd none of 'em be missed – they'd none of 'em be missed.

'The Mikado' is in rep at the Coliseum until 6 February and will be broadcast live in selected cinemas on 3 December at 7.30pm (eno.org)