Patrick Barlow: That Lady Chatterley ran over my toe

The actor Patrick Barlow is better known as Desmond Olivier Dingle, the pompous artistic director of the National Theatre of Brent. This comedy outfit, consisting of Dingle and "full acting company" Raymond Box (John Ramm), is famous for madcap re-enactions of epic stories in small spaces, including Love upon the Throne and The Messiah. Their latest, The Wonder of Sex, is currently playing at the National Theatre (of London).

How's The Wonder of Sex going? Any major mishaps?

Marvellous, thank you. Packing them in at the Lyttelton. Only a few mishaps. The entire Lady Chatterley set ran over my toe, director Martin Duncan fell off the stage and various members of the audience became hysterical during the "Find Your Ideal Partner" section and had to be counselled.

You and John Ramm have been coined "the Gilbert and George of fruity am-dram". Does this please you?

Absolutely. John and I are profoundly honoured to be linked with Gilbert and George. I met them once and they were charming. We compared notes on suits. But I should tell you that Desmond Dingle would be most offended to be called either fruity or am-dram. Fortunately I am answering these questions on his behalf. If it'd been him, this interview would have been terminated forthwith.

How disappointed was Desmond when he discovered Nicholas Hytner had beaten him to the job at the National?

Desmond was deeply shocked and surprised at the news that of the two front-runners, it was Nicholas Hytner and not himself who had been chosen. He had already ordered a new matching office suite and wall-planner for the Director's Office. Since the shock announcement Desmond has recovered with no hard feelings, however, and has already generously offered his services to Mr Hytner in a personal and advisory capacity. Mr Hytner, I gather, has jumped at the chance to plan his entire programme around Dingle's suggestions.

Your forthcoming book, The Complete History of the Whole World has a chapter consisting of just one sentence – "The Bronze Age also came a few years later and was also very interesting." Have you considered a career as a historian?

This is rather an odd question, as of course Desmond already is a historian of world renown and recognised worldwide by such numerous other renowned historians as Sir Simon Schama and Dame Antonia Fraser.

The National and the RSC are trying to find new ways to attract bigger, younger audiences. Does the NTOB have similar plans in place?

Actually the National Theatre of Brent has one of the biggest and youngest audiences of any theatre in the world and are already a massive hit with all big young people. They instantly warm to the company's contemporary, fashionable, upbeat, finger-on-the-pulse attitudes, particularly regarding such important contemporary themes as sex and being young and big and so forth.

What's the secret of good theatre and who is currently practising it in your opinion?

The secret of good theatre is as follows: it must have a good story or preferably a number of good stories subtly interwoven; it must feature a number of famous or Royal characters; it must enable the audience to leave feeling better able to deal with their marital or personal problems; it must give the audience a chance to act out a major historical event and must have easy parking. Desmond Dingle's suggestions: Art, The Royal Family, The Hobbit, The Wonder of Sex.

Did Desmond and Raymond spend New Year together?

No, certainly not. Desmond spent a sophisticated New Year's Eve alone with a bottle of vintage Asti in his prestigious office suite in Dollis Hill, while Raymond spent it with a packet of cheesy titbits in his bedsit above the World of Foam shop he runs in Staines.

'Desmond Dingle's Complete History of the Whole World' is published on Thursday by Nick Hern Books, priced £9.99