The legend of Sir Alastair Campbell and the green king

TODAY WE bring you another extract from the fabulous rediscovered Shakespearean historical tragedy, The History of King Tony or New Labour's Lost, Love, which tells the story of King Tony's rise to power and his struggle to keep the throne he has won in battle against the Tory army. Last week we saw King Tony's triumphal meeting with King Nelson of South Africa. Now troubled waters await him back home...

A privy chamber in the King's palace in Downing Street. King Tony is deep in conversation with his last remaining adviser, Sir Alastair Campbell.

Tony: All my erstwhile friends desert me, all.

Sir Geoffrey Robinson, Paymaster General,

Whom I was wont to ask for business tips -

He always knew which shares to buy or sell -

And Mandelson! Sir Peter Mandelson!

That very gentle knight who knew my thoughts

Almost before they came into my mind!

They've gone, these friends, as fair winds fade at

sea,

And left my sails all flapping, empty, useless...

Sir Alastair: Not all, Your Majesty! Some still there are

Who long to serve you till their dying day.

Tony: And who might they be when they are at

home?

Sir A: Why, me, Your Majesty! Through thick and

thin

I shall attempt to guard you 'gainst your foes!

Tony: Campbell, good Campbell, thou art indeed

a friend.

But how can one prevail one against so many?

Canst kill my enemies all by thyself?

Sir A: There is no need. I never take a sword

Or naked metal 'gainst my enemies.

That is the way of brainless warriors

To cut and hew and carve the opposition.

Far better 'tis to cut and hew the news!

What serves it to have gained a victory

If all the world thinks you do emerge the loser?

Tony: I'm not so sure I see where you are driving...

Sir A: Then let me quickly put you straight again.

You've no doubt read about this pair, the Bramleys?

Tony: Bramley? A kind of apple, is it not?

Sir A: [Aside] God give us strength. Some kings

inherit thrones

But not the brains that should accompany them.

[Aloud] They are a married pair, my lord, who have

Kidnapped two girls and run away with them.

Tony: Then they should be arrested straightaway

And thrown into the Tower of London Town!

Sir A: But that disgrace will never come to pass.

The Bramleys have the public on their side

And all they ask can never be denied!

You see the lesson which I seek to draw?

Tony: I think so. What you're trying to say

Is that I should go on the run today

Taking two lovely little children with me...

Sir A: No, no, my liege. What you must see is this: That once you have the press and media tamed

You have the victory already claimed!

Tony: It's true! I see it now! Yes, you are right!

A relaunch now will put my foes to flight!

[There is a disturbance at the door.]

But hold! Who comes? And why is there this noise? Enter Paddy, Earl of Ashdown, with sword drawn.

Paddy: 'Tis I, my Lord! The Earl of Ashdown

here,

Ready to take my place right at your side

Which you did promise me once, long ago.

Tony: Fie, Ashdown, fie! I do not need you now.

That day is gone. Be you gone too, likewise.

I have my special ways of doing things now.

Paddy: Ah yes, your way! The Third Way, is it not?

Everyone knows the Third Way comes from me,

And now you steal it from me unashamed!

I'd sooner side with baby-face Lord Hague

Than trust myself to you and all your ways.

The public sees your waving hands and smiles

But I have seen your scurvy tricks and wiles!

Tony: Go then, to Hague! Take on his British ways! And do whate'er the little bumpkin says!

Exit Ashdown, furiously waving his sword.

Sir A: Well, said, my Lord! You sent the upstart

packing.

We'll have no trouble from that quarter now.

Exeunt both. From behind a pillar comes Ken, Duke of Livingstone.

Livingstone: You laugh now, Campbell, you

obsequious creep!

But when I'm Mayor of London, you'll both weep!

More of this anon, I trow.