The alternative Olympics, by Chris (Simpsons artist)
Your support helps us to tell the story
From reproductive rights to climate change to Big Tech, The Independent is on the ground when the story is developing. Whether it's investigating the financials of Elon Musk's pro-Trump PAC or producing our latest documentary, 'The A Word', which shines a light on the American women fighting for reproductive rights, we know how important it is to parse out the facts from the messaging.
At such a critical moment in US history, we need reporters on the ground. Your donation allows us to keep sending journalists to speak to both sides of the story.
The Independent is trusted by Americans across the entire political spectrum. And unlike many other quality news outlets, we choose not to lock Americans out of our reporting and analysis with paywalls. We believe quality journalism should be available to everyone, paid for by those who can afford it.
Your support makes all the difference.the olympics is a bit boring now because there is only so many times you can watch a man jump over a pipe so here is some new events that would make it more interesting to have a watch of
guess the leg - a leg is put through a hole in a wall and the olympians have to guess if the leg is real or made out of oak
the mens 5 mile cuddling contest - men jog for 5 miles cuddling everyone they meet along the way and whoever does the nicest cuddles is the winner. mo farah already cuddles people when he is doing his jogging competitions so he will probably be the best at this one
swomming - exactly like swimming but instead of using your hands as paddles you use your face as a paddle to slap yourself through the water
water polo - a polo mint is kicked into a swimming pool by pele and the first person to find the mint from the pool and feed it to pele is the winner
sack attack - the first person to capture the most children in a sack in 1 hour gets to have a child of their choice coated in solid gold and mounted on a marble base
feather swallowing - this used to be one of the main olympic events until the olympic elders banned it in 1992 after championship feather swallower darren feathers choked to death on his own throat after eating 5 times his body weight in feathers but now that modern day feathers are a lot safer to swallow they should definitely bring this one back
throw tom daley - the person who can throw tom daley off a diving board the furthest wins a golden necklace
drink diving - divers dive themselfs face first into the thick green water below and the person who can drink the most water without dying wins a hat made out of solid gold
wheelchair diving - like drink diving but the person has to eat a wheelchair when they land
tinnis - andy murray gets wrapped up in a net with a couple of tin cans glued over his hands and he has to try and escape from the net or he will be shot
plum rolling - men compete to see who can roll a plum down their wifes back the fastest without her noticing
horse wrestling - olympians take it in turns to wrestle a horse but there is a twist because the horse is on fire
galf - this is quite like golf but instead of golf bats they use whips to slice the ball into a hole
the 100 metre rat race - usain bolt has to ride a giant rat for 100 metres without the rat eating him or getting him pregnant
priest run - the official olympic priest is set loose in the olympic stadium and whoever he kidnaps last is declared the winner of the olympic games
jubo - like judo but each competitor takes turns to wrestle susan boyle to the death
click and collect - 5 players on each team take turns to run over to a button and click it and then run over to a glass box to collect a baton that they must swallow and once all of the batons are swallowed everyone can go home. there is no winners in this one it is just for a bit of fun to take everyones minds off the horse wrestling
rag tag - a rag is passed around the olympic stadium and everyone in the audience gets to have one sniff of it before it is passed along to the next person. when the music stops the person left holding the rag is given a replica rag to take home with them
i hope that you have enjoyed my olympic games and who knows maybe at next years olympics we will see some of these new events and the olympics will be more exciting again like the good old days. love from your friend Chris (Simpsons artist) xox
It is Chris' Twitter. It is his Facebook. It is his website.
Join our commenting forum
Join thought-provoking conversations, follow other Independent readers and see their replies
Comments