Quiz of the year

Q: what's horribly long, fiendishly difficult and makes a perfect Christmas treat? A: our four-part Millennium Quiz, devised by Christopher Hawtree. This year's overall champion wins a trip to Champagne, courtesy of Taittinger, plus a case of Taittinger NV champagne. The winners of the four individual quizzes each win a case of Taittinger NV, and 200 runners-up win a bottle of Taittinger NV each. For details of how to enter, see page 10. Good luck, and happy puzzling!

A RIP

1 Who was found with eyes tight shut?

2 For which celebrated football manager was the final whistle blown?

3 Which novelist, sometimes confused with a football commentator, prec- eded him?

4 Which inter-planetary woodsman can now work, rest and play at leisure?

5 Who now has good reason to sing the blues?

6 Which actor is now more gas than gaiters?

7 Which cook's tipple should have been a sidecar?

8 Who was finally made an offer he could not refuse?

9 Which Londoner turned New Yorker has created further excess dust?

10 Which sporting hero continued to honour the Monroe doctrine?

11 Who has finally been given the moonlight?

12 Which would-be politician came to such a sad end?

B Dropped bricks

1 Who was being disingenuous when announcing that "we will be giving the police the money they need to recruit 5,000 more officers"?

2 Who insisted: "I don't think going away for two days for a private engagement is a high crime and misdemeanour"?

3 Who thought that civil-liberties lawyers purveyed "well-heeled hypocrisy"?

4 Who deemed the curbing of trial by jury a "sensible, proper and just thing to do"?

5 Who denied that his modus operandi involves "something that crept up during the night and which I ticked before drinking my cocoa"?

6 Who characterised the social services as "thick treacle"?

7 Which anthropologist claimed that "there are relatively few real Romany gypsies left"?

8 Who attributed a local difficulty to the fact that "millions of people are literally phoning up because of the panic that is going on, partly as a result of the reporting of this"?

9 Who has taken steps because of events "at parliamentary by-elections, where some candidates may not take the election process seriously"?

10 Who thought teenage mothers offering their babies for adoption was "a positive, responsible choice"?

Philosophical interlude

Which scientist and which cartoon character took part in this brief snatch of television dialogue?

"We had such a beautiful dream. What went wrong?"

"Don't feel bad. Sometimes the smartest of us can be the most childish."

"Even you?"

"No. Not me. Never."

C A la mode

1 Who was forbidden to wear what at Northwick Park Hospital?

2 Who wore a vicar's collar and stiletto heels to meet Tony Blair?

3 Which manacled former politician's daughter walked on a catwalk in chains?

4 What does the Professional Golfers' Association regard as the sole province of "plebs" and "dykes and lesbians"?

5 Which allegedly English product is the subject of a court case brought by an American rival because parts are made in Thailand rather than the advertised real, 100 per cent product from "the sleepy little town of Wollaston"?

6 Which branch of Boots is the first to offer 41 types of condom and to apply moisturising cream to men's feet?

7 Which birthday dress fetched $1,267,500?

8 Which earth-moving equipment manufacturer is gearing itself up to sell clothes?

9 At which night-spot are glow-in-the-dark collars now the obligatory fashion?

10 What fashion trend has led to a 10 per cent drop in blood supplies?

D Quote unquote

1 Whose centenary did Edward Albee celebrate by lauding him as "James Bond's gay uncle"?

2 Whose belated legacy of pounds 14,709 led his wife to call him "a heroic man"?

3 Who referred to whom as "a very political old monk shuffling around the world in Gucci shoes"?

4 Who judged his predecessor to be "mad, loopy and emotional"?

5 Who likened what to "a couple of drunks walking out of the bar for the last time. When they get to the swing door, they turn round and go back in"?

6 Who rued the fact that "it is because I was ultra-scrupulous that I am in this pickle today"?

7 Who likened his leader's technique to the definition of madness given by Alcoholics Anonymous?

8 Who admitted to being a "billionaire tyrant"?

9 Who said: "My eyes are like a tree that is alive but has no blossom or leaves and never will age"?

10 Which "unattractive young man" was revealed to have had a "nonchalant approach, poor diction, an unpleasant manner, an idiotic speaking voice and an extremely unfortunate appearance"?

11 Who said of his former leader: "I never thought him as nice as most people did"?

12 Which party leader was described by whom as "a `decaf' Kinnock"?

13 Which council's chairman said that the most excited voice in his organisation was "the automated voice in the lift"?

14 "He has gone in a short few months from Have I Got News For You to I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue". Who drew this trajectory of whom?

15 Who said of 637 assassination attempts: "I don't feel worthy of such a high honour"?

Semantic interlude

Who said: "`Delete' never means `delete'"?

E A sense of priority

1 Who spends more on taxis than on reports from war and disaster in East Timor and Turkey?

2 Where in north London is an enclosure of nylon fishing wire an aid to prams and wheelchairs?

3 Who said: "People do not want to meander their way through books and knickers to buy stamps"?

4 Who was of the contrary view that "having to walk through books and knickers might be a selling point"?

5 What piece of metal netted Richard Hayward pounds 74,648 from Norwich Union?

6 Who wants to introduce a system of "presumed consent" by accident victims?

7 With what violent action did Sebastiao Rodrigues of Sao Paulo hope to net pounds 170,000?

8 What was his wife's comment upon the way things turned out?

9 Where was the Queen's head replaced with a bauhinia - and what is that, and why is it particularly inept?

10 Where did a spot of karaoke cost Scottish lawyer Donald Finlay pounds 3,500?

F Eye of the beholder

1 Whose works did Ian Paisley's congregation attribute to the Sodom and Gomorrah school of art?

2 Which DIY chain will share work with the Tate Gallery?

3 About which object exhibited there did its creator feel confident that adults will see in terms of sex, while children will find it merely playful?

4 Which composer's family failed to retrieve an Edvard Munch deposited in Vienna's Osterreichische gallery during escape from the Nazis?

5 To sculptures of which local delicacies did the councils of Cromer and Great Yarmouth object?

6 Upon which art installation did Jian Jun Xi and Yuan Cai execute a variant and which object was left unused in the process?

7 Which art patron was depicted by John Keane in his study "Making A Killing", a work created with the aid of voodoo chants?

8 For which company is Tracey Emin the most recent to create a bottle label?

9 Whose planned New York restaurants are unlikely to find Rudolph Giuliani among their customers?

10 What were revealed as having been damaged by cleaning in the Thirties and are now the alleged site of "corporate hospitality"?

Mathematical interlude

1 What elementary misunderstanding caused a disaster on a Mars space probe?

2 "Actually, it's easy." What in fact failed to show that the calculation of VAT is that simple?

G Some schools for scandal

1 Which school was slammed by inspectors for forbidding pupils to talk while eating their packed lunches?

2 Where did Nicholas Taylor die from his invention of "the fainting game"?

3 Which school was closed down after staff tried to keep order by offering free CDs and tickets for cinemas and bowling-alleys?

4 Which school was put at the bottom of the exam-league table after it altered the time of an exam to make way for a visit to a West End theatre?

5 Which private school led to a separation between left-wing Islington MP Jeremy Corbyn and his wife?

6 Where did the married father-of-two physical education teacher Paul Edmunds feel obliged to resign over an affair with 17-year-old prefect Hannah Duke, whom he planned to take to Budapest?

7 Which school has shrugged off the fact that its head, Brian Driver, has left his wife to take up with a former PE teacher, Christina Edwards, who is now deputy head?

8 What was called the "worst school" in Britain and closed down?

9 Where has the head banned football and replaced it with hopscotch and skipping?

10 Which school changed its name to avoid the apparent stigma of South Park (and what difficulty did one parent envisage)?

11 Where did a teacher run into a classroom, shout "it's a stick-up!", take a pupil "hostage" and ask the others to write an essay which described their reactions to this event?

12 Which school announced plans to sell off a Gainsborough to pay for a new swimming pool?

13 Which of these schools escaped the pillory this year?

a) Queen Elizabeth School, Barnet

b) Turnfurlong County First School, Aylesbury

c) Wells Cathedral School, Somerset

d) St Andrew's School, Burnham-on-Sea, Somerset

e) Twynham School, Christchurch,

f) The Orchards, Reigate, Surrey

g) Middleton Park High School, Leeds,

h) Riverside Primary School, near Dunblane,

i) Royal Grammar School, High Wycombe

j) Alder Derbyshire Secondary School, Nottingham

k) Chesterton Primary School, Wandsworth

l) Eton College

m) Marlborough College

Theological interlude

1 Who called a performance of The Lord's Prayer by a "vicar" "vile"?

2 Who said of The Lord's Prayer that "`temptation' is too trivial a word; it has resonances of pinching jam tarts from the larder"?

H Case studies and medical notes

1 Who will not be allowed on juries?

2 What did a Tokyo debt collector concede that a guarantor could keep - but what would he have to give up to raise pounds 17,000 and pounds 5,700?

3 What remedy for depression and morning sickness in the 1960s will now cost the NHS an extra pounds 4m?

4 To what career did Michael Harris bring the impressive qualifications of a boy scout's first-aid badge and a gift of the gab?

5 Which previously disenfranchised group are to receive the vote?

6 To what does rising early lead later in the day?

7 But what staple of public schools and National Service is in fact beneficial?

8 Which sense has been discovered to make all the difference between success and failure?

9 What is calculated by the formula r=h(u(y,z,t))+e?

10 Why will that formula be looked at ruefully by council workers in Wandsworth?

I Love and marriage

1 About what did Barbara Taft keep quiet for 15 years?

2 For what was 83-year-old Ernest Pink cautioned by police?

3 To what did 60-year-old Melvyn Smith fall victim?

4 What are the implications for one in five of the population as a result of Steve Jones's research into sickle cell anaemia?

5 Whose wife apparently lent a best-selling hand?

6 For what was David Hampson of Cambridge "let off" with a six-year prison sentence?

7 Who finds that lesbian behaviour attracts bigger males?

8 What has it taken IC2163 and NGC2207 40 million years to achieve so far?

9 Where do 6 per cent of divorces now take place in Britain?

10 Which vagrant escaped a prison sentence and has received "a number of letters from lassies proposing marriage"?

J Crime and punishment

1 Which still highly controversial issue was claimed to have caused a drop in US crime rates since the Seventies?

2 For what was government expert on road rage Richard Latcha fined pounds 450?

3 On whom was a death sentence passed in Haringey?

4 Of whom was it said "he almost looks like the man in Room 115"?

5 Who has received pounds 200,000 from Libya after a wait of 15 years?

6 For what metal product does Hiatt of Birmingham find a lucrative outlet in the United States?

7 Who opened fire with the words: "I hope this doesn't ruin your day"?

8 Whose release was urged by Sir David Ramsbotham?

9 Of what were 14-year-old Emma Powell, Jade Furneaux and Gemma Spake convicted in Portsmouth?

10 What did 14-year-old Terence Lambert and Sergio Pantano do in Bedford?

Children's corner

1 Who are the Lebensborn and to what are they now entitled?

2 Who was hailed as the ideal father by Charlie Lewis, a professor of family psychology at Lancaster University?

3 Why has David Jordan's name been withheld from his son's birth certificate?

K Human rights, human wrongs

1 What will be bathed in golden light for 48 hours every time that an execution is repealed?

2 Where did the first use of the electric chair in 17 years cause a bloody mess?

3 By what means have Pakistani police got round the problem of executing suspected criminals?

4 Whose English tour brought outrage at police heavy-handedness?

5 Where have four people been executed for a demonstration in July?

6 Where were two women - Hawa Faruk and Aisha Saada Kassem - among 53 people beheaded this year?

7 Whose head of Intelligence, Rafa-al-Tikriti, was executed for revealing to the West an arms deal with Russia?

8 Where was rapist Leo Echegaray executed?

9 Which state's governor did not halt the execution there of the first Canadian, Joseph Faulder, in half a century?

10 Where, to take advantage of the holiday quiet, are secret executions due to resume, with victims given only a few hours' warning and their relations none at all?

On and off the menu

1 Where is Virginia Woolf's Grills and Burgers?

2 Who substituted the Star of David on its Hot Cross Buns even though the yeast was not kosher?

3 With which anti- depressant have some crisps been flavoured?

4 What did Tesco and Asda urge upon Barbie's manufacturers?

5 Who still have a taste for Norwegian goat?

6 Which nation has, for similar reasons, seen money in curry?

7 To what enterprise did Indonesian troops resort when leaving East Timor?

8 Which 67-year-old swinger has been sworn off cigars and drink by Brigitte Bardot?

9 Why is Sylvester Stallone feeling sick?

10 How did Jose Bove make his displeasure with McDonald's known?