Poetic Licence
Chimp Talk: ILLUSTRATION BY MICHAEL HEATH
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Your support makes all the difference.Scientists say that they have trained chimpanzees to understand simple English sentences. The apes, however, have not yet shown that they can communicate in a true spoken language
A chimpanzee walked in a pub
He ordered rum and coke
Incredulous, the barman asked:
"Is this some sort of joke?"
"Far from it," said the chimpanzee
"I've spent all day and night
Doing photo-calls and interviews.
Just pour the drinks, all right?
"This so-called `latest breakthrough'
That apes can understand
A simple English sentence
Is getting out of hand.
Of course we comprehend you
And have done now for years
Though coming clean about it
Will mostly lead to tears.
"You know that Will Self novel?
I helped him out with that
Your basic Brooke Bond English
Is now seen as old hat.
The smarter chimp keeps shtum now
Or where does he end up?
On PG Tips commercials
In cloth cap, with a cup.
"The public think we dub them,
That all the speech is fake.
Not only is it live, though,
You only get one take.
What's in it for us these days?
Three adverts in the can?
Two movies with Clint Eastwood?
And then you're down the pan.
"And once the phone stops ringing
Your future's fairly stark
Bit parts in Tarzan movies
Then back to Regent's Park.
Yeah... one more for the road, then.
Before you wave the flag
Here - did I ever tell you
That Michael Jackson gag...?"
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