Lily Allen makes emotional confession about ‘self-hatred’

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Lily Allen became emotional during the latest episode of her hit podcast, Miss Me?, as she and co-host Miquita Oliver tackled the topic of “safety”.

On her popular BBC Sounds podcast, the singer, author and actor discusses a range of issues – from body image to relationships and the entertainment industry – with her longtime friend Oliver.

In an episode released on Monday (23 September), Allen, 39, took a call from a listener who asked what she and Oliver do to keep “your brain safe”.

In response to the question, Allen spoke about trying to protect her mental health while being the subject of scrutiny in the tabloid press.

“I think that I’m learning that my ego is such a big part of it, and I think that I get a little dopamine rush from people telling me that I look good or that they like my old music and that they listen to the podcast… but then I also have to be subjected to seeing way more horrible stuff [than positive],” she said.

“I’m a control freak, so I know that there are these things that are being said about me, and a part of me needs to know what they are, and I think I have to let go of that. I have to not search my name. I have to not look at Daily Mail articles when they write them. It doesn’t service me in any way.”

She continued: “It’s very intrinsically linked to my own self-hatred, so if I’m feeling low, I will do it because it proves to me what a piece of s*** I am… sorry I’m gonna cry.”

Audibly in tears, the singer continued: “So I go looking for it, because then I know that it’s true, I know that the way that I’m feeling is real. And there’s a lot of it out there. So yeah, I just have to try and cut myself off from it, I think, to keep myself safe.”

In an interview in May, Allen said she was taken aback by the vitriol she received in the tabloid press when she was known as “the bad girl of pop”.

The musician rose to fame in the mid-Noughties upon the release of her debut single “Smile”, which topped the charts in July 2005. Her first album, Alright, Still, went to No 1, receiving critical acclaim along with a Grammy nomination for Best Alternative Music Album.

In an interview on the BBC Radio 4 programme This Cultural Life, Allen explained to host John Wilson that she was “very confused” by the backlash she received for her “bad girl” behaviour, having grown up surrounded by men “who behaved 10 times worse than I did and seemed to be lauded for it”.

During that time, Allen, who is the daughter of actor Keith Allen and producer Alison Owen, received considerable press attention due to her public antics, as she struggled with issues such as addiction and disordered eating.

She was also the subject of multiple controversies as she made disparaging remarks about other pop stars, which regularly made tabloid headlines.

Asked if she felt prepared for fame given the fact her father was famous, Allen responded: “No, I thought I would be, but I think stardom [as a woman] is very different than stardom as a male.

“I was brought up to think you could do anything you wanted, as a woman, so I was very confused when I got the backlash that I did, purely because I’d been surrounded by men who behaved 10 times worse than I did and seemed to be lauded for it… it was a bit of a shock.”

Allen has also been frank about her issues with substance abuse, fame, and self-esteem in previous episodes of her podcast. In August, the singer said she still goes into a “self-hatred spiral” due to her lack of a traditional academic education, having left school when she was 15.

Miss Me? is available on BBC Sounds on Mondays and Thursdays, as well as on all major streaming platforms.