MODERN MANNERS: YOUR CUT-OUT-AND-KEEP GUIDE TO SURVIVING THE MINEFIELD

Dear Serena,

I gather that tongue piercing is out, out, out. What should I have done to my body in order to keep up with the in crowd? I was thinking of going labial.

Milly, Stoke Newington

No, Milly darling. If you want to be right up there on the accessory front, get a pacemaker. Darling, the entire gamut of celebrity, right the way from major to Major, are having them fitted. They are far better than labial piercings: not only can you go public in even the Family Values publications about having one, but they are also marvellous for attracting attention in airports.

Any thoughts on my Cabinet reshuffle?

Tony, London SW1

Absolutely. Remember: a little organisation now saves loads of time later. Things you want to hand - paper clips, red pencils, White Papers, European currency, quotations dictionary, cheese - should go in the drawers and slots at eye level. Put taxation files, divorce papers, Christmas decorations, home-made presents from godchildren, ballot papers and other things you are unlikely to use in the bottom cupboard, to save you bending down too often. Ensure that your chair is positioned so that you have a wall at your back and a total view of the room: not only is this good Feng Shui, it also raises the odds against anyone stabbing you in the back.

Genetically modified vegetables: a good thing or a bad thing?

Stella, Wadebridge

Isn't it time we left the Royal Family alone for a bit? We never used to talk about them in such disrespectful terms when I was growing up.

When two people share a cab back to separate destinations, what is the formula for who should pay what? I never know, and it always creates uncomfortable moments at the end of the journey.

Linda, Carlisle

The main thing is that both passengers should come out of it feeling that the other one has been generous. The person who gets out first should press very nearly the whole amount on the meter into the palm of the person carrying on, and the latter should refuse it, eventually accepting roughly half of the original amount. If, as occasionally happens, this goes wrong and you get out first to find that you've paid for the whole trip, accept that it's no more than you would have paid if you had taken the cab alone, and make a note that your fellow traveller is a tight-fisted bastard who shouldn't be trusted near anyone else's handbag.

I was thinking of having my house Feng Shui'd, but I am too embarrassed to ring up a practitioner as I am unsure as to how to pronounce it. Opinions seem to vary so. Can you clear the matter up for me?

Stuart, Brussels

I wouldn't worry too much, as most of the practitioners in this country don't know how to pronounce it either. For your reference, it's pronounced thus: "Rob me."

My girlfriend owns this disgusting tortoiseshell cat that looks like it's been dipped in petrol, has ripped ears and one eye, but she seems to regard it as some sort of love-god, and honestly believes that it understands every word she says to it. It's not as if this is the first time this has happened to me; at 44, I have fallen foul of this woman- cat thing three times before. Do all women believe that their cat is special, or am I just very unlucky?

Pete, Bury

No, Pete: it's not that they believe that their cat is special, it's that the cat is special, and should be treated as such. And count yourself lucky: at 44, you should be grateful you've met a woman who doesn't have a handful of children. Then you'd really understand what competing for your attention is all about.

Now that the country is once again in the hands of raving socialists, I was thinking of changing my nationality for ever. Where would be my best bet for new national status, do you think?

Andrew, House of Lords

Belize, old boy. I hear they're doing a special two-for-one offer which includes automatic appointment to an executive role in the British Conservative Party.

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