Shaun Ryder interview: 'It’s better being hooked on jumping out of helicopters at 50 than f*cking cocaine, isn’t it?'

Hi, Shaun! You’ve released a Euro football song – We Are England. In what ways are you qualified to release an England footie song?

In what way do I qualify? I have absolutely no idea how I qualify. You know, it’s not me first one, is it? I’ve done one before, twenty years ago (1). Oakenfold must think I qualify, so you know… (2).

Well, the good news is We Are England is ace.

Thank you.

But you seem to have forgotten to include a rap by one of the England team.

Oh, no. We can’t be putting in raps. I was only talking about this with my kids the other day. It’s like, there’s a rap in everything these days. Like, everything. On X Factor, someone stops and does a rap. Anything now, it’s just fucking bonkers. I love rap. I love hip-hop. But something is wrong when every song, no matter what, has got a rap.

You’ve recorded under the moniker Four Lions. Er, aren’t there three lions on the England shirt? Where has this extra lion come from? Has it escaped? Should we be worried?

Well, there’s four of us. There’s me, Oakenfold, Goldie and Kermit. I’m more of a sea lion than a lion. I’m a big, fat bastard. I can’t exercise. I’m waiting to go into hospital for my hernia op. I can’t do anything. I can’t go cycling. It’s made my stomach swell. Have you seen those old blokes who never got their hernias done? They’ve got these huge swelling sides. Well, that’s like me. I’m a sea lion.

Does this mean if Roy Hodgson calls you up to play, you’re not in tip-top form?

No, I’m not match fit at all, mate. No.

Apparently you’re not massively into football anyway…

Yeah, I mean… you know. I like watching England. I like watching United. Even when I took more of an interest in football in the 90s and 70s, I’ve never been the sort of bloke who beats me wife if the team loses. I can take it or leave it.

Does this mean Mrs Ryder is pleased that you can sit down and watch those films they put on the other side for people who don’t like football?

Yeah. She loves it. What does she watch instead of the football? Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners. Have you seen it on Channel 4? Those men and women who like polish their bath taps and toilet from six o’clock in the morning until five in the evening and then do the skirting boards all day. Then they send them off to somebody who doesn’t do any cleaning whatsoever and they go and do their house. It’s what we watch instead of football. Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners.

What are your cleaning tips for a tidy house, Shaun?

I haven’t got any. My missus does all the cleaning. She loves it. That’s why she watches Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners.

Erm, are you sure she “loves it”? Or is this just because you’re loafing round the house like a sea lion?

She gets great satisfaction out of it. It gets rid of a lot of her aggression. Things she should really be strangling me for, she just goes and does a bit of cleaning.

Surely you must have some sort of forte? Mowing the lawn?

No, I’ve got hay fever. I’ve got allergies. Really badly. I’m getting worse as I’m getting older.

Cooking? Anything?

I can do the kids a chilli con carne but that’s about it. Sunday. Breakfast. I’m actually pretty useless. That’s why she just gets me up. “Get to work. Go to the studio. Go on tour. What are you doing at home? Get out.”

Didn’t you once say the best drug you’ve ever taken is having your ears syringed?

I didn’t say that. I said that the best thing to compete with drugs was jumping out of a fucking helicopter at 16,000 feet. That weren’t me, that. Although I do need my ears syringed.

Ah, my bad. But in your drug heyday, you were necking 20 rocks of crack cocaine a day. Won’t a 20-a-day jumping-out-of-a-helicopter habit be even harder to deal with?

It’s better being hooked on jumping out of helicopters at 50 years old than fucking cocaine, isn’t it? It’s a lot healthier.

Wasn’t it a bit rubbish that you forget to swear like a trooper on your recent appearance on TFI Friday?

That I forgot to swear? Not really. Come on. I got banned from television for a long time (3) because I was off my head and didn’t give a fuck. I quite like my little jollies on telly now. I’m sort of PG TV now. I’m actually allowed on daytime television and I like it.

Is your internal monologue clearer than perhaps it once was?

Oh god yeah. Absolutely.

Talking of Chris Evans, are you a fan of the new Top Gear?

Do you know what, Clarkson’s Top Gear was great. The filmography or the photography or whatever, it’s still great. I like Chris’ Top Gear.

How about Shaun’s Top Gear?

Basically, like football, I don’t really know anything about cars. Well, I can drive a car. I’m not a bad driver. But I know fuck all about car engines.

How about combining Top Gear and Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners into Top Clean? Then you’d be in your element. Get your missus on…

Yeah. I also like washing the pots. I love washing up. I’m 50 years old and I’ve discovered that it’s really relaxing, so I now do all the washing up when I’m at home. It’s something about getting shit off plates and cutlery. My mind goes completely blank and I love it. I don’t do the dishwasher. I actually do them.

Is this because Mrs Ryder, like all women around the globe, insists on re-loading the dirty dishwasher in the mysterious way only she knows how?

Yeah. I can’t even switch the dishwasher on proper.

How about the washing machine?

I can’t use the washing machine, no. I can turn the drier on.

How about the fridge?

The fridge is fine. I can sort of do that, the fridge.

Do you have a clean fridge, Shaun?

Yeah, we have a clean fridge.

When did you last clean it?

No. I’m not allowed to go near stuff like that. I’ll damage it.

Seen any good aliens lately (4)?

Not recently, no.

When did you last see one?

A while back now.

There was that one that landed in your garden.

That’s right. It didn’t land. It was certainly over my tree in the back yard. I wasn't off my tree. I am brave enough to say this sort of bullshit.

Do you think you may have been abducted at some point?

No, I don’t think I’ve been abducted, no. If I have been, I don’t know anything about it, you know.

It would explain a lot, wouldn’t it?

Ha.

Do you believe, Shaun?

Of course, dude. Listen, mate. I’ve seen it all. The first thing was seeing was seeing that thing flying about, doing ridiculous acrobatic moves that are impossible when I was 15. So…

Onto politics now. Should Manchester Brexit even if the rest of the country doesn’t?

Do you know what? I really don’t know. The idea of all being one, and being together in Europe, that’s great. It’s forward thinking. But I don’t know. I keep changing my mind. I don’t know if I’m in or out. I’m sure at the end of the day, the only people who will get hurt if we leave, will be the working people. And if we stay, I’m sure the only people that will get hurt will be the working people.

What happens if not Brexiting involves going further into Europe, and we all have to speak French, and then you have to re-record your entire back catalogue in French?

Never gonna happen, mate. I’ve tried. [Does terrible French accent]. Merci beaucoup. Très Bien. C’est un arbe. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six. That’s all the French I know.

That’s enough lyrics for a Happy Mondays song.

Ha. You’re in trouble.

When recently asked if you’d met a royal, you said, “I have met one who was showing her fanny at a party once off her tits.”

Ah, yes. I did.

But you wouldn’t say who it was. Go on!

No! Give over. I can’t tell you. I know somebody who has got a photograph of one of the royals. I’m not saying where and how far down the line and all that. It’s certainly not one of the high ranking ones. But… I’m not even going there. I’ve said it once.

Was it The Queen?

No. Give over. The Queen!

The Queen Mother?

No. Not the Queen Mother.

Princess Margaret?

No.

Princess Di?

No, no no no no no. None of that lot. (5)

Thanks, Shaun.

Okey doke. Thanks, pal.

Is this interview you done for the day now, or have you still got some unfulfilled jobs round the house to complete?

None, actually. I don’t know if I’m doing the school run yet, me. I’ll know in about another half an hour if it’s my turn or not.

Well, good luck with that. Bye then.

Ta-ra!

Watch We Are England by Four Lions here.

Footnotes

1) Black Grape released England’s Irie for Euro 96 with Joe Strummer from The Clash and Keith Allen.

2) We Are England is a collaboration between Black Grape’s Shaun Ryder and Kermit, Goldie, and Pills 'n' Thrills And Bellyaches producer Paul Oakenfold

3) Channel 4's Compliance Manual once explicitly stated that Shaun was never to appear live on the network again.

4) Shaun presented Shaun Ryder On UFOs on The History Channel.

5) Bet it was The Queen.