The three musketeers (12A)

This makes a proper diner de chien of the Dumas classic, and even induces a nostalgic fondness for the 1973 Richard Lester version with Oliver Reed – that's how feeble the new one is.

Logan Lerman plays D'Artagnan as a Beverly Hills brat, pitting his so-called wits against villains that include Christoph Waltz as Richelieu, Milla Jovovich as Milady and Orlando Bloom channelling Leslie Phillips (I think) as a double-crossing aristo. Matthew Macfadyen leads the Musketeers, James Corden offers invisible comic relief, and two gigantic floating galleons furnish a terrifically unexciting battle scene (and alter the history of aviation at a stroke). You wouldn't mind the foolish anachronisms, the lazy slapstick or the boy-band casting if any of it raised a smile, but the unholy script alliance of Alex Litvak (Predators) and our own Andrew Davies (oh, the shame of it) kills off any amusement within five minutes. A dead cert for a slot in the Top Ten Worst of 2011.