Final Score review: The most preposterous film of the year

Dir Scott Mann; Starring: Dave Bautista, Pierce Brosnan, Ray Stevenson, Martyn Ford, Kamil Lemieszewski, Ralph Brown. Cert 15, 104 mins

Here comes the most preposterous film of the year so far, one that takes place almost entirely inside West Ham’s old Upton Park stadium – and was filmed there just before it was demolished.

Final Score is executive produced by the Hammers’ owner David Sullivan, whose contribution to British cinema also includes 1970s softcore porn films like Come Play With Me and The Playbirds. This time, instead of ill-fated sex symbol Mary Millington, he has thickset Hollywood action man Dave Bautista as the star. Everything about the film, from the idea that West Ham are in the semi-final of a European competition to the high flying Evil Knievel-like antics of Bautista on a motorbike on the stadium roof, stretch credibility way beyond breaking point.

Pierce Brosnan has made his fair share of stinkers since he gave up playing James Bond but his role here as an exiled eastern European revolutionary by the name of Dimitri, is easily his oddest yet. The plot creaks but Final Score is strangely enjoyable in its own very cheesy way. You laugh at it while also acknowledging that director Scott Mann sometimes makes very inventive use of his unlikely and very confined locations.

Bautista plays Michael Knox, a security contractor/mercenary in east London to visit the family of a friend who died under his command. He feels a responsibility to the widow (Lucy Gaskell) and to her wild and rebellious daughter, Danni (Lauren Peake), to whom he is a father figure. Michael doesn’t understand “soccer” (as he insists on calling it) but has still bought tickets to West Ham’s crunch match against Dynamo and wants to take Danni, even though her mom has her grounded.

He gets permission but they’ve no sooner arrived at the ground than she wanders off with her boyfriend. It’s at this point, just as the match starts, that a dozen or so ruthless terrorists from Russian breakaway nation Sokovia make their move. They’ve wired the ground with explosives and cut off any communication with the outside world. Unless they can find Dimitri, their leader, Dimitri’s estranged brother Arkady (Ray Stevenson), will kill everyone.

The conceit here is that the fans have no idea that terrorists are in the stadium. They may be irritated that their mobile phones don’t work but are too busy watching the game to notice the killers in their midst. The ground is on lockdown. It’s up to Bautista to save the day and to make sure no harm comes to Danni. He’s a one-man army. The police can’t get in. Nor can the SAS or the US diplomats who’ve been keeping tabs on Dimitri. The only help our hero gets is from likeable steward Faisal Khan (Amit Shah), who knows the layout of the ground.

Given the film is tongue in cheek, its fight sequences are remarkably violent. In one early scene, two men fight to the death in a tiny lift. In another, Bautista’s Knox takes on the thugs in the kitchen with plenty of razor sharp cooking instruments and boiling oil to hand. Stevenson enjoys himself as the softly spoken Arkady, sounding a little like Rasputin as he intimidates the police commander and threatens to kill anyone else who crosses his path.

Every part of the ground aside from the pitch itself is used either for a chase or a fight. Knox roams up and down stairwells or dangles, Douglas Fairbanks style, from the metal framework that holds the stadium together as a lethal female adversary tries to mash him up. Brosnan’s Dimitri appears irritated to be interrupted during the match. Every so often, we’ll see some action from the game where West Ham, like Bautsista himself, are clinging on for dear life against more powerful opponents. Jonathan Pearce’s frenzied commentary adds to the sense of mounting panic. Bautista, though, looks remarkably unfazed, as if gun-toting, knife-wielding Chechen-style terrorist-types with bombs are the very least you expect to encounter at any given West Ham game.