Baywatch review: Even The Rock can't hold this clichéd, crass comedy together

When 21 Jump Street was originally announced, many turned up their noses. Could an adaptation of an aged TV show be that great? After all, similar attempts with The A-Team and Dukes of Hazard had failed spectacularly. Thanks to the comic genius of The Lego Movie’s Phil Lord and Christopher Miller, though, both 21 and 22 Jump Street were wonderfully funny flicks that balanced crude and clever humour.

Baywatch attempts to replicate Jump Street’s genius: a comic reimagining featuring A-list actors aimed at the Twitter and Facebook generation. Unfortunately, where Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum managed to avoid relying on penis jokes, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and Zac Efron’s flick features two separate scenes that revolve around men’s genitals, neither of which land.

Directed by Horrible Bosses and Pixels' Seth Gordon, Baywatch centres on The Rock’s team of lifeguards — featuring ex-Sports Illustrated model Kelly Rohrbach and Ilfenesh Hadera — as they recruit three new members; the tough Summer (Alexandra Daddario), the geeky Ronnie (Jon Bass), and Efron’s hyper muscular Matt Brody. Together, they form a Fast and Furious-esque family bond; all except Brody, a former Olympian who lost everything after disgracing himself — a gag that basically revolves around a literal sh*t joke.

Unfortunately, almost everything about these characters is clichéd. The awkward, slightly chubby one loves the attractive cleavaged one, the two sharing a weirdly flirtatious relationship despite him being absurdly stupid (but having a heart of gold, obviously). Efron’s douchebag falls in love with the hard-as-nails one who refuses his proposals (but, as we soon discover, he’s got a heart of gold too!).

The anchor that keeps everything together is, as expected, The Rock, whose loveable persona brings genuine laughs to proceedings. His conflict with Efron during the opening half hour is Baywatch’s highlight, containing some light-hearted gags that will make most people chuckle.

Of course, there’s something else afoot as Priyanka Chopra’s villain is using a local business to smuggle drugs onto the beach. Despite being incredibly talented, Chopra is clinically underused, the script offering her nothing to work with.

Despite a relatively funny first third (minus one extended dick joke, but featuring a brilliant title drop), Baywatch falters in the second, eventually collapsing into a firework-filled mess that makes very little sense and treats the audience like idiots. One person, for instance, waves their gun around threateningly for five minutes without firing because of a silly speech, reminiscent of Guardians of the Galaxy’s ‘O-o-h Child’ finale but executed so poorly there’s still a sour taste in my mouth. Even The Rock’s gravitational charm can’t hold the set-piece together.

Having attempted to replicate what Jump Street did right, the writers of Baywatch seemingly understand very little about what made Lord and Miller’s films genuinely hilarious, going for crass jokes containing very little intelligence. A shame, because some jokes — such as a visual gag featuring a miniature Rock and the various names Efron is called throughout — are actually quite fun.