how to survive the hunger games by chris (simpsons artist)
@getbentsaggy shows you the best ways not to die
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Your support makes all the difference.the hunger games is a fun family annual event where people of all different types of ages get together in a massive see through dome to battle it out to the death to win a free meal for their family at any restaurant of their choice.
as soon as the traditional hunger games throat trumpet is blown by the event organiser to get the hunger games started you should shout at least one of these things:
come on
i am doing this for my family members
lets do this
this is going to get wet
the restaurant vouchers are mine
stay away from my restaurant vouchers
jumanji
yes
good ways to stay alive for as long as possible:
glue some rocks on to your face to make your face look like it is the side of a cliff
hide up a tree if you can be bothered
act casual
never rest
drink your own spit
drink someone elses spit
chew fabric to keep your teeth and gums healthy
if someone is just about to attack you do one of these things:
say that you think you are having a panic attack and you just want to be on your own for a bit
make bees come out of your mouth
make your mouth look like it is a wolf by sucking your lips inside of your mouth and sticking your tongue out of your mouth really quickly
complement their outfit
do a slow motion wink at them so they think you know something that they dont
tell them that your wife will go mental if you dont get the restaurant vouchers for her because they are all that she has been talking about for weeks
weapons - the best way to not die is to have a weapon and the best weapons are listed below in a helpful list:
knife - this is the easiest weapon to use in a rush because it has got a lightweight touch and it is silver
gun - a gun is a type of knife that can kill people from a long way away but be warned because it has got a loud scream when the bullet comes out of it so i hope that you dont get a bit of a fright
baton - this is the best weapon to use if you are a bit thick because it is just a big bit of wood
glass pipe - a glass pipe isnt just useful for sucking up quiche out of a bumbag no it is also really useful for blowing poisoned spit at a enemy of your choice
bow and arrow - when janis joplin first invented the bow and arrow in 1965 everyone thought that she was completely mad but she has definitely had the last laugh because now bow and arrows are a popular household name throughout the world and they are also a great way to kill people too
whip - this is a type of long thin knife that is made out of hair and it is best used for whipping peoples legs until they fall off
scream or whisper some of these things to scare the other players:
i cant take this anymore
why is this happening to me
the only meal you are going to be winning is a meal for one in hell
come on then
have you never seen a grown man naked before or something
do you want some of this then do you come on then come and get it
awooga
helpful skills for you to learn before you go into the hunger games that will make things easier for you:
knot tying - if you dont know how to tie a knot then you might as well just kill yourself now to save other people the bother
why not learn a new language - if you are battling against someone who is french it would be helpful for you to be able to say prepare to meet your doom you french idiot in their own language so they know that this is their final moment
gymnastics - if there is one skill that will help you in the hunger games it is definitely gymnastics because it is a good way to relax
jewellery making - making jewellery will keep you alert at night time
web design - the internet is getting more and more popular every day and it is now used in almost 1 in 5 homes in the uk in the united kingdom so this is a skill that you will definitely want to know before you go into the hunger games
and remember that it is the taking part that counts and if you dont survive the hunger games this year then there is always next year so good luck and may the odds be ever in your flavour.
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