'As if!' What Cher from Clueless would sound like in 2018

OK, so I know this seems like a Pretty Little Thing commercial or something, but I swear I have a totally average life for a teenage girl. I wake up, brush my teeth and spend an hour tweeting about last night’s episode of The Bachelor.

IKR, my house is dope. Maybe it’s a little extra, but daddy has to spend his money on something. He’s a celebrity lawyer, which is the scariest kind of lawyer. Right now he’s representing a lot of women who were sick of being harassed by powerful men in Hollywood.

Oh, and my annoying stepbrother Josh is coming to stay at our house. He’s a total nerd, all he does is sit around the house and watch Game of Thrones and lecture me about why I should do what Taylor Swift says and register to vote.

Whenever I’m running late for school I get an Uber and pick up my friend Dionne on the way. Dionne and I are friends because we both understand what it’s like to have 10,000 followers on our socials. And I must send her an “hands raised” emoji for her courageous gif choices!

It’s not even eight thirty and Dionne’s boyfriend Murray has sent her 10 Snapchat videos. They’re always in some kind of drama but it’s, like, all built on mutual respect for one another. Dionne’s way too smart to date some possessive loser who thinks he’s the GOAT.

In school we’ve been talking about how America is totally divided right now, like in society as well as politics. I had to give a talk to the class about a current issue and I think it went pretty well, apart from when Elton realised he left his new iPhone in the Quad and asked to be excused. Anyway, so in my talk I said about how the people in Mexico want to come to America, but Donald Trump is like, “I want to build a wall” to stop them. I said it’s like when I was having a party at my place and people came that like, did not click “Going” on the Facebook event and I had a total WTF moment. But then I ordered a bunch of pizzas on Seamless and it was all OK. And FYI, there is no “Going” button on the Statue of Liberty.

I was worried about my report card because I got a C in debate, but then Miss Geist matched with Mr Hall on Tinder and now they’re always in a good mood and I managed to persuade Miss Geist to give me an A- instead!

Dionne is always talking about sex but I’m saving myself for Timothée Chalamet. There was this guy, Christian, who just started at our school. I thought he was cute and invited him around to my place for Netflix and chill but then he was telling me about these guys he’d been talking to on Grindr, so I figured he wouldn’t share my feelings.

There’s a new girl at school called Tai who had some major fashion issues until we gave her a makeover, which was a total glow up. But then she started throwing shade about my clothes – even though I tried to help her get with Elton and pointed out the girl he liked was a full-on Instagram filter! Tai was wildin’ and trying to get with this other guy Travis instead, which is like the most basic thing she could have done. Me and Dionne were shook.

I invited Tai round to talk out and at first it was completely savage because she dealt me a sick burn about how I’m a virgin who can’t drive (why do I need to drive when Ubers are everywhere?). But then we made up because it turned out she still likes Travis after I was convinced she had a thing for Josh. It turns out I have a thing for Josh and now we’re 100% [per cent?] a thing. It’s kind of annoying because people at school have nicknamed us Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryan. As if!