EXPLORATION OF THE SOUL

Just making love - to fuck.

Insanely -

And to know it doesn't stop

nothing stops - my mind - my vision.

Leaves bud

grow - go brown

and fall to the ground.

The sea - a deep blue keeps turning

the stars shine - the sun rolls and

the earth moves around it -

And sperm doesn't stop

it just goes on for ever -

like pollen blowing in the wind

Rolling in time

The whole idea is so fucking

exciting

Making love so insanely - to the point

of oblivion

Swimming eight miles against the tide

we made it - both of us

Against all odds from nothing

except the pure passion -

That brought us into this world.

When I was born - they thought I was dead.

Peter arrived first - ten minutes before

me - then it was my turn - I just

rolled - small and yellow

with eyes closed - I didn't cry

But the moment of my birth into

this world I somehow felt a mistake

had been made - I couldn't scream or

cry or even argue my case - I

just lay there motionless - wishing

I could just go back -

Back to where

I had came

They put me into a little glass box

and slowly I came round -

Peter and I would lay in our cot - he was always

going on about something - no-one could

understand him - only me - But I just lay

there - quiet on my back - with my arms

stretched out towards the sky.

Constantly pulling my hands through the air

holding onto the invisible lines - that only I could

See - the strands that join every moment -

past present and future -

the lines which join every part of

human nature -

from eternity to the stars.

As a baby I had wanted to die -

I rolled against the cot - slowly the

air would leave me -

But Peter would save me - his

eternal screaming - it seemed

Peter would always be there -

looking out for me - it was

hard not to feel resentful -

my soul had been floating along

when somehow a giant hook -

had pulled me down from the sky -

one moment free -

the next a creature -

of this world -

The first words I ever heard

In my head - that were not Peter's - were

The deaf and dumb are one year's

old - one year's old today.

It was warm, a spring day - the sky

was Mediterranean blue - and the white

clouds striped the sky - I rested my

head on my arms - I was six years old

trying to make sense of everything -

where had the mountains gone - with

their snow covered peaks - where were the

fir trees that lined the valley.

Why was the sea now green - when before

it was a beautiful blue - with great fish -

and soft lapping waves -

And the stars - where were they, why

had night time become so dark -

where was my beautiful world -

Now we lived in a giant hotel.

HOTEL INTERNATIONAL

It was six small guest houses joined

together - looking over the winter gardens

A warren - a maze of floors - corridors

80 bedrooms - five lounges - store rooms - a

bar - a dining room - full of a mass of

tables and chairs - and a kitchen

that could cater for the hundreds

and back yards, six of them - joined together

with holes smashed through each adjoining wall -

A world of camps - bases - sheds - chalets -

roofs and garages -

A vast territory - a kingdom - our

domain -

We were rich and envied - I remember

hiding - unwrapped - Christmas presents -

under the bed - just hoping - they'd disappear

and go away.

All Peter and I wanted was to be normal

like other children - but it was impossible -

we were the twins - and we had uncanny

reactions - to each other and the rest of the

world - we had a natural necessity to

demand attention - sometimes we liked it - at

other times we hated it -

We would speak to each other with our

eyes

We shared a bedroom - we sat next to

each other at school - and we had shared

the same womb - at the same time -

and every thing was equal - every thing

divided - but somehow the same -

even our thoughts -

We were the twins - and tired

so tired of being special -

We went to her hand bag and

removed the pills and one by one

we put them down the sink -

We didn't get a baby brother or sister -

Instead we were given a rabbit -

a tiny white ball of fluff -

It had a little house - Peter made it

a bed out of shoe boxes - and I

started on its clothes - a jacket - a hat

with two tiny holes for its ears to pop through

and little shoes made of serviettes -

And on warm summer days we would

watch it - roam around the wild strawberries -

and Peter and I would laugh -

The joy of love - unconditional

outside of us -

As we got older and older - we became

closer - unnaturally close - and we

knew it -

It seemed to start around the time our

Rabbit died - well we knew it hadn't died

it had been murdered - by the kitchen staff -

We had been away for a week to London

when we came home - the first thing we did

was to rush through the hole in the wall - to

what we called the Green Garden - where

Rabbit lived -

The hutch was there - the straw - its food

the whole of Rabbit's world - but no Rabbit -

The staff came out of the hotel in twos

and threes - calling - Rabbit - Rabbit - they

looked under pieces of wood - behind doors

under car wheels - in bushes - sheds and bins -

But we knew they'd killed it - Peter and I

looked deep into each other's eyes - it hurt -

The one real living thing for both of us that

we had chosen - that we could love together

but individually - gone -

our white fluffy Rabbit -

Soon after Rabbit died - Peter and I

contracted whooping cough -

We lay next to each other in mum's

double bed - delirious - sweating - coughing

our little guts up - but even in our illness

we were bored - bored with the attention -

the fuss, the gifts - we were desperate -

to break out of this mini hell -

One day I woke up - Peter was standing

on a chair - naked - in the middle of the

room - holding a catapult -

As he pulled back on the elastic - he said

I feel better - suddenly I was screaming -

my eye was burning - people ran into the

room -

WHAM - He's flicked a lighted cigarette

butt into my face - which had neatly caught

between the lids of my left eye -

THE TWINS ARE WELL

We were well - but we still didn't go back to

school - and we still carried on sharing a

double bed - we would scream and fight

pulling each other's hair biting and scratching

demanding each other's space.

One day I woke up - 100s of bells

were ringing - the room was full

of smoke - and flames lapped around

the bed - like a giant ocean - and I

lay in the middle -

Ismile Mum's lover - was beating

the flames with his bare hands -

I remember being carried in his arms.

Peter stood in the smoke filled hallway -

smiling -

He'd set the bed alight -

For a while we had our own rooms -

Then there were no rooms - no hotel

no guest - Daddy was gone - the hotel was

boarded up - and we moved into the cottage -

It didn't belong to us - but we had nowhere to go -

It had been the staff house - it was a come

down - but we didn't care, we felt normal -

living in this tiny little home with our mum -

Come on sis - I've got something

to show you -

Peter stood on his bed - in his blue

nylon aertex underpants - pulled tightly

around his willy - tiny bobbles of flesh

came through the holes - I ran my

fingers across them -

Peter took a flying leap across the room -

slamming me on the bed -

He rammed his foot up between my legs.

And pushed it against my minge.

SUBMIT- SUBMIT

OK - OK - I do - please Petey - Please

you're hurting me -

Mum was out collecting lead - from

the old hotel - me and Peter always got

excited by her expeditions - our mum

leaving the house with a hacksaw and

a shopping bag - like a mighty hunter.

A giant bird - gathering food

for her chicks -

I sat by the tomato plants.

Mum and Dad just screamed

at each other -

I pulled a bamboo stick away

from one of the plants -

The weight of the tomatoes

dragged the green stem down to the ground -

As they argued -

I pushed the bamboo stick through

the top of my thigh -

Blood started to pour -

and they stopped screaming.

She told us - she loved us - that she

would do anything for us -

Strange to think we were an accident -

strange to think - she'd booked into a

clinic - to have us aborted -

And strange to think she had talked herself

out of it -

It was 1962 - she was married and Dad was

married - but of course not to each other -

this wild roaming Turk - who had hit

the London property scene in a big way -

had swept her off her feet -

with the promise - of three days a week

or nothing -

She changed her name by deed poll - from

Cashin to Emin and settled for the three days

a week - knowing he would never divorce

his wife - and now - with his bankruptcy

and a trail of financial disasters - she had been

left with nothing -

The night Peter and I were conceived

was supposed to have been the last -

But some things are to be forever -

And now Peter and I were here,

in the bath room -

Look Tray - I can make it grow

He ran his hand up and down his

willy - it was getting bigger and

bigger - and WOW - a fantastic

white spray flew out of the end

splattering all across the pan -

He smiled - as I stood on the bath

my feet either side of the tub

And picking up the long handled

bath brush - I said well clever -

watch this -

And then one day - I told

Peter - I didn't want to do

it any more -

Because God wouldn't love us -

Peter said - it was all OK -

Because we didn't want

to be loved by God -

One day - a kind of warm

summer day - my mum - was running

down the hill - screaming -

my baby - my baby - what's wrong

with my baby -

I was hung across her arms -

my stomach - was about to explode

I had on my pink and white striped nightie

I felt my eyes rolling -

And my head was gone - Peter was

riding down the hill on his chopper bike.

I remember the yellow -

He was calling don't worry sis -

Sis don't worry - I'll get him for you

I'll get him -

In the hospital I had to shit into a toilet

that had no chain - there was a hole in the

bottom - that collected my shit - they put it

into a little tub - the police woman was

talking to me - but I kept kind of sleeping -

Aunty Joyce was there - she was saying have

you been naughty - mucking around -

playing strange games -

I don't know - what strange games

were - to me it was all real -

I just lay there -

my blood slowly moving

around my body

was I really all alive

had not part of me died -

my world existed

outside of me -

How could I explain this -

to ascend -

and keep ascending -

Dear God I thought -

every part of me

is bleeding.

I stopped eating and took to my bed -

I don't know how long this

lasted - it seemed in the

mind of a child to last an

eternity -

A diet of orange squash

and digestive biscuits -

I became short sighted - thin

and pale - my teeth began to

rot -

And Peter would say - Don't worry

sis - Everything's going

to be fine -

Something - which always disgusted me -

ME - laying across his lap - I could

feel his hard erect penis - pressed

into the small of my back -

And he was rubbing his hands

across my chest - my little tiny chest -

my bony little ribs -

I WAS ONLY TEN FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

I'd watch him from the

corner of my eye - his hand down his

trousers - always fiddling with himself.

Always looking at me -

Then I'd wake up in the middle of the night

and hear him having sex with my mum -

and I'd wake up Peter - and say

Listen - listen Peter -

Do you think he's hurting her.

Mum worked at the Gay Nights - a night

club - in Ramsgate - sometimes she'd take

Peter and I with her - and while she

waited on the tables - we would curl up

on the red velvet sofas - drifting to sleep

with the sounds of Isaac Hayes

in the background -

And at 2 or 3 in the morning when the

last customer had gone - we'd both be

carried off into the taxi, for our

journey home -

Other times we'd be left alone -

I sat up in bed - the night silence

burning my mind - the covers pulled

up close around my face - my body

saturated in my own piss - too scared to breathe -

my eyes darting around in the semi-darkness

The house was creaking - like it was alive,

as though it was breathing -

And everything became dark - like a black

sea - it would sweep over me -

The world had become so sad

and ugly.

Peter and I walked around the square.

A gang of other kids stood by the wall -

they were all looking at a great pile of

dog shit - on seeing us - one of the kids said

Go on Emu - that was what they called Peter -

Go on Emu - I dare you to walk

through it -

Yeah go on said all the others - I looked at

Peter - and said - DON'T -

Peter put out his hand - and said

to the others, give us all your money

and I'll do it -

Then he just walked straight through

the shit -

As me and Peter walked home - and him

scraping his shoes - I said why Peter -

why did you do it -

He pulled the handful of coins out of his

pocket - shook it around in the palm

of his hand -

and said - it's only shit.

I understood - understood at this

point, that we were different

And that we would grow apart -

When I was leaving - you told

me not to cry -

you said it's not as though one of us

is dying

But for me without you -

part of me dies -

and that part of me - that was

so much alive

may never return -

Please don't abandon me -

I can always LOVE YOU.

Peter was at Mark Golding's house -

And I was alone - another hot summer

day - that it seemed I had no friends -

Mum - made me some sandwiches -

cheese and tomato - I put them in my

bag - along with my towel and bikini.

And off I set for the beach -

It was the height of summer and Margate

was packed - the golden mile was speckled

with a 1000 million people -

I made my way across the sand towards

the sun deck - I found a little space on

the wooden planks - and unpacked my bag

My bikini top - it was gone - my

black wet-look fringey bikini top - not

there - GONE -

I sat down in the heat - there was nothing

for it - I'd swim without a top -

And putting my fingers across my nipples

I made my way to the water's edge -

oooh - it was cold - the little waves

lapped against my feet - it felt so nice -

and as I rolled around

I thought

I LOVE THE SEA.

Some other kids played close by - they

had a giant black rubber ring - I watched

them longingly as they all jumped around

splashing and laughing - and then to my amazement

they beckoned me over -

ME - I thought - they're calling me -

I excitedly splashed my way over to them -

As I rose out of the water to hoist myself

up onto the rubber ring - one of the kids

said - Are you a boy or a girl -

A girl - I said - I'm a girl

There was about six of them - they pushed

me through the centre of the ring and bundled

on top of me -

And below the water - I could hear them

chanting - BOY - BOY - BOY -

I sat on the sundeck - with my towel -

completely wrapped round me - like a little nun -

with just my face poking through a hole -

The clock tower struck 5 - and people in

droves began to leave the beach - it was

evening meal time - for those staying in

hotels and train time for the day trippers -

going home -

I opened up my sandwiches - the cheese was

sweaty and - the tomatoes had made the

bread go soggy - and I thought - I wish

Mum was at home - and I began to cry -

In tears I pulled myself along the now empty

beach - my feet dragging through the sand -

A voice said - what's wrong little girl -

it came from a big brown hairy man -

I started to blubber even more telling him

my whole day's story -

He made me laugh and smile -

he told me I was beautiful -

He gently covered the whole of my body

in tiny golden grains of sand -

And in the water - I ran my hands all over him -

He said I was like a tiny mermaid

And for me he was like a giant bear -

And I pulled on his willy

until a giant spray of white

covered my tiny limbs -

I was only eleven - but I knew

it could feel lovely to be

a girl -

And now I shared a bedroom with

my mum - I felt safe here even

when alone - the warm smell of her clothes

Her perfume - Her make-up - All her

lovely things -

Mum now worked at The Roxburgh a

hotel around the corner - she was a chamber

maid - and on Saturdays I would help her

cleaning the rooms and carrying

the laundry baskets - up the many flights of

stairs - it seemed like we were happy.

I'd started to eat - and stopped

wetting the bed -

I was still very thin and yellowish -

And my teeth were really fucked -

BUT NOW I had friends -

And it seemed like all the

evil had disappeared.

And every Saturday night the girls would stay -

four of us - in my single bed - two tops

two tails -

Barbie and Gaynor at one

end - me and Tracey at the

other -

Gaynor wasn't a virgin any more

She and Kev had done it lots of times

She would show us her love bites -

They went from her knees to the top of

her thighs and from her stomach to her neck -

a trail of purple and blue bruises puffy

with faint yellow rings -

Barbie said she liked to have her tits rubbed

I said - I didn't like to be touched at all -

And Tracey said she liked to put red

lipstick on her nipples and play with her

love button -

Tracey and Barbie swore allegiance to remain

virgins - until the day they married -

I swore to be a virgin until the day I die -

We were only thirteen but it was

hot and exciting -

I didn't blame Peter - for head butting me

And smashing up my front teeth

as I never smiled that much anyway -

It was just before Christmas when Mr

Goldberg the dentist had decided to give me

a pair of false teeth -

And two days before Christmas - I smiled

for the first time -

Mum bought me some new clothes, a

petrol blue mac and a pair of gold star

earrings - it was the best Christmas I'd ever

had -

And on New Year's Eve I went to Top Spot

The Sunday night disco - every body from Margate

was there - I danced to Do The Hustle and

Young Hearts Run Free - and I smiled -

It was time to go home - I wanted to see

New Year in with Mum and Peter -

I walked along the sea front - all the

lights were on - the world felt like magic

and Margate looked like Las Vegas

Stephen Morton called after me -

Tracey he said - where you going -

He walked along with me - we passed the

clock tower - we left the sea front and

turned off into the high street

He slipped his arm around my shoulder

and said how about a new year's kiss then -

we stood in the door way of Burtons -

and started snogging - He put his hand down

my top - and at the same time pushing me

against the wall he pulled my skirt up -

I began to worry - this isn't what I

wanted - He was older than me - And every

body knew - he'd broken into girls before -

And I didn't want to be -

NO I SAID - GET OFF PLEASE

YOU'RE HURTING ME -

He pulled me down the alley and pushed me

to the ground - and as I lay there on my

back worrying about my new coat -

He pushed his fingers up between my legs -

and rammed himself into me -

I WAS CRYING -

His lips were pushed against mine - like

a small corpse, I lay there motionless -

He grunted and I knew it was over -

He got up - and I just lay there - on the

ground - my tights around my ankles -

The clock was striking twelve -

I'd always wanted to fuck you he said

You've got a sexy mouth -

I went home and told Mum

I'M NOT A VIRGIN -

But it seemed like she already knew -

she didn't call the police or make a fuss -

She just gently washed the stains and dirt

out of my coat - and every thing

carried on as ever - as though nothing

had happened at all -

But for me my childhood was over - I had

become conscious of my own physicality - Aware

of my single presence - I had become open

to the ugly truths of this world -

And at the age of thirteen I realised there was a

danger in beauty and innocence - I could not

have both -

This would be something I would

battle with for the rest of

my life.

As I walk along the beach

I see myself - from outside

of myself -

The white cliffs tower above me -

and the sea has disappeared -

The rocks go out for mile and miles.

The horizon a thin white line -

one line which draws closer and closer -

And with it a roar - a sound so intense

it kills all other sounds -

A wave to end all waves - 100s of feet

high - and as I draw nearer I know

there is no salvation -

I turn toward the cliff - and back

to the wave - a giant moving wall -

Smash the weight is unbearable -

I'm going to die -

And as fast as it has come

it is gone -

And I am left - standing

alone -

POST SCRIPT -

I was seven -

Mummy I said - one of the girls in my class

it's her birthday - and this evening she's having

a party - can I go -

I put on my favourite party dress - Mum

carefully wrapped up some cheap Turkish jewellery

in a piece of tissue paper - for my gift -

And up the road I went - outside school five

or six little girls stood around - the girl

whose birthday it was arrived with her dad

in the car - and as everybody went to get

in - the girl said to me - you can't come -

and her father sternly followed by saying

I'm afraid you're not invited - you don't

have an invitation -

I waited outside of school for as long as I

could - and after hiding the jewellery - I went home

Mum - asked "did you enjoy the party" - yes I said

it was lovely -

That night - I laid in bed and cried - I cried

myself to sleep - and in the morning I asked -

Mummy - what's an invitation.