Dilemmas: Mother, don't come dancing

Gina's lived with her mother since she was ten. Her mum's lovely, but now Gina's 16 she's starting to borrow her clothes and comes out with her in the evenings. She's attractive and sometimes she flirts and gets drunk. People say they're like sisters. Gina feels she has no private life.

What can she do?

WHAT VIRGINIA SAYS

Recently my son and I went out to dinner together and afterwards he said he was going for a drink with some friends. He could see I looked a bit glum and suggested I go along with him. I refused three times, saying I had other things to do, and that he would want to talk to them on his own and that I'd be in the way (not very convincing excuses, I agree) until he finally said: "Oh, come on Mum, I know you'd like to come" and off I went. We only spent an hour having a drink, but oh the flattery of it!

When you're middle-aged, to have young people around you apparently interested in what you say and interested in telling you about their lives, is heady stuff. But it's not something to be done too often. Because then you break down the real relationship - that of mother and child.

There's nothing wrong in being chums with your children or kind of chums with your children's chums but at the bottom level you must remain a mum rather than a chum. Otherwise the children lose that relationship, which makes them sad, and gain a competitive sister, as Gina has found out.

My mother never came dancing with me but she certainly flirted with my boyfriends - she couldn't help it - and I would sit by twiddling my thumbs as she pouted and threw back her head and laughed and flattered them, and asked them to come again. I remember feeling utterly sexless, all knees and knuckles, staring glumly into space until I could drag them away. "She's awfully nice, your mum," my boyfriends would say. And, yes, they said: "You're just like sisters."

Gina should never have let her mother in on her private life in the first place, but as the daughter of a single parent it must be difficult. If there's a dad at home he'd soon put a stop to his wife going out clubbing every weekend. I think Gina should explain to her friends that she doesn't want her mum along to stop them inviting her, too. That way she can blame her friends for stopping the social life, rather than having to broach the subject herself. Or maybe she and her friends could organise something called "mum's night" when mums were asked along for a drink but not out clubbing. She could drop a hint to the mum of a friend that she'd like her to say to her mother how important it is mothers should not confuse their roles.

But failing that, perhaps she should try telling her mother how she feels. It could easily be done in a flattering way. She could say how when her mum is with her she's so attractive it makes her feel second best. She could say she values her role as a mum and if she's always out with her and her friends it makes her feel she doesn't have a mum. She could say it makes her feel strange when no one else's mum comes along. She could say it makes her feel as if she has no private life and it's important for her to build a life on her own now she's growing up.

None of this is easy, but it's worth saying. Her mother will be hurt, but as someone recently wisely pointed out to me, so what's the big deal about being hurt? We all get hurt from time to time. Sometimes we have to hurt other people to stop getting hurt ourselves.

WHAT READERS SAY

A surreptitious form of abuse

Lovely mum but is she behaving like one? There comes a time when parents need to grow and separate from their children in order for the children to become adults. Why is a 30-something woman living out such a prolonged adolescence?

Clearly these are questions which Gina's mother can answer for herself. She can behave the way she does but I suggest she does it somewhere else. Her behaviour is embarrassing, shaming and inhibiting her daughter. In fact it seems like a rather surreptitious form of abuse.

Gina needs a private life away from her mother and her mother needs to let her have it. They can remain friends but why not give Gina some space now rather than have her resentfully fighting for it later?

NICHOLAS E GOUGH

Wiltshire

Situations can be reversed, too

Maybe Gina's mother is lonely. And Gina should remember it can happen the other way round too. My 30-year-old unmarried daughter lives with us and is unemployed and depressed and has few friends. Although we don't think it's very good for her, and often we'd prefer to be on our own, she comes with us everywhere all the time, even on holiday. But we feel we can't leave her on her own because she would be so lonely. We try to encourage our daughter to make friends. Perhaps Gina could suggest her mother joins a dating agency to meet some people of her own age?

CAROLINE

Notts

Mother should know her place

Gina's mother sounds like hell. My own mum and I share clothes and make- up and often go shopping together but she'd never come out with me. I did once suggest it but she said if she came out there'd be no one at home to see I got back on time! She gets on with all my friends and they often bring her their problems and pop round for coffee, but after 8pm we live separate lives. She has her friends; I have mine. Gina should discourage her mum - or think of moving away as soon as she's able to.

LYNN VERNON

Market Harborough

Next Week's Dilemma

Dear Virginia,

I had a brief but intense relationship with a girl which I ended rather abruptly two months ago when I got back with my ex-fiancee. I am getting a bit worried, though, as the phone often rings and there is no one at the other end, and I'm convinced it's my ex-girlfriend. Someone said they thought they spotted her car near here, as well and I'm worried that I'm being stalked. Should I call the police or do nothing? Yours sincerely, Len

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