Comment: High time we saw solicitors as the heroes they really are

SOLICITORS OFTEN complain that their profession is unfairly painted as drab and mean-minded, while other callings have an aura of glamour and romance.

"Even journalism comes out better than the law," said one bitterly to me. "At least Superman was a journalist in real life. Show me the solicitor who has any pretensions at all to being a hero!"

No sooner said than done. We bring you the first episode in the adventures of the man known only to his adversaries as "LEGALMAN"!

STANLEY MILLS was 5ft 9in, dressed in dark clothes which were almost but not quite a suit, and wearing spectacles that were not the pair he had bought expensively from an optician but the cheap stand-by pair he had got from Boots when the expensive pair had gone missing. He was walking along Oxford Street on his way to the solicitor's office in Holborn where he worked, looking forward to exchanging a surreptitious "good morning" with the lovely Miss Walker who handled the conveyancing side of things, when suddenly he heard a commotion coming from a side street.

He glanced down it as he passed, and gasped. There, tottering over the top of a five-storey building, hung a stranded helicopter, seemingly about to fall. From the helicopter there dangled a long rope, with a beautiful girl clinging to the end of it. In the helicopter cabin, about to sever the rope with an axe and send the girl to her death on the pavement below, or perhaps to a very severe bruising on the heads of the spectators below, sat a cackling, masked figure. Stanley Mills recognised him at once. It was The Infringer!

"Holy search warrant! This looks like a little job for Legalman," said Stanley Mills softly to himself.

He stepped behind a phone box, opening his brief case as he did so. Seconds later, he stepped out and launched himself into the air.

He had changed. No longer was he the drab figure in dark clothes and second-division specs. Admittedly, he did still have the dark clothes and also-ran spectacles on, not to mention slightly scuffed shoes. But now he also had a red rose in his lapel button and a bowler hat worn at a rakish angle.

"It's Legalman!" gasped the crowd, as he shot through the air at a thoroughly legal 29mph.

"Thank God Legalman is here! If anyone can sort this mess out, it's Legalman!"

"Good morning, Infringer," said Legalman, landing gently on the ledge beside the helicopter. "I'm sorry to see you're bringing chaos to the great metropolis again."

"But I'm delighted to see you, Legalman," chuckled the Infringer. "I had hoped that this little incident might bring you out into the open. Now I've got you where I want you."

"If anyone's in trouble, it's you, Infringer," said Legalman. "I'm afraid you don't realise quite how bad the trouble is in which you are."

Author's note: May I apologise for all the unnecessary dialogue? This is not my fault. It is always engineered by Legalman so that he can charge for it later under the heading of "Consultation and Advice" @ pounds 10 per minute.

"Oh yeah? What kind of trouble, Legalman?"

"All sorts of trouble. Piloting a helicopter in an urban area contrary to the Public Flying Act, 1933. Parking a helicopter over a double-yellow- line street. Having an axe without a permit. Dangling a rope dangerously in a public thoroughfare. Flying a helicopter without due care and attention..."

"Help!" screamed the girl at the end of the rope. "Please help me!"

Legalman took his specs off and looked strictly at her.

"All in good time, IF you please," he said. "If you want to apply for help, please phone for an appointment and I will try to fit you in."

Another scream rent the air. She slipped a little more.

"How are you going to help her now?" sneered The Infringer.

"Quite simple," said Legalman. "I'm going to serve THIS on you."

And he handed over an injunction preventing The Infringer from causing any nuisance to the girl at the end of the rope, a writ for helicopter misdemeanours and several other summonses. The Infringer went pale. "You've lost none of your old powers, Legalman," he said.

At that moment the girl lost her grip and fell, screaming. In an instant Legalman had taken off and swooped beside her as she fell.

"I wonder if you've made a will yet?" he said in her ear. "Many people think there's all the time in the world, yet, did you know, more than 80 per cent of people die intestate?"

Will she die? Or will he save her? And can she afford the paperwork if he does? Another episode in the saga of the solicitor superhero, Legalman, coming soon!