Sara Pascoe and Will Adamsdale's comedic guide to surviving Christmas

You don’t have to be a Grinch to find this time of year a chore – all that enforced ho-ho-ho, non-stop drinking, and over-consumption of Brussel sprouts and mince pies (not on the same plate, though, that would be weird) – as we are bombarded with aspirational messages in pursuit of the “perfect Christmas”.

But if your dream is merely to survive until the new year unscathed, then comedians Sara Pascoe and Will Adamsdale are here to help.

Like Father Christmas, they are bringing sackfuls of Yuletide joy; Pascoe’s latest show is an alternative Christmas celebration, while Adamsdale has persuaded his alter ego, acclaimed life coach Chris John Jackson, to create a new power seminar with a festive twist.

Here they offer their invaluable tips on parties, the perfect Christmas dinner, telling the truth about Santa Claus – and what to give to people who have everything.

Everyone likes parties! Not the actual experience of being there, of course. But to brag about at work afterwards, so Karen stops saying you’re a loser who’s wasted your life. December is a competitive season with shindigs every night and you want to make sure people are free for your soiree so have it on 5 February. People will be impressed and surprised by your party. Next, how to get people there? Try shouting, “Fire!” loudly several times from your kitchen window, then pop a CD on, pick up a tray of nibbles and wait for your guests – some of them may even be in uniform!

In a superficial world it’s the shit you buy and hang around the place that counts. You might be happy and warm inside, but who cares – where’s the tinsel? The fashion at Christmas is to display things that have spent all year in a cupboard; why not go the whole hog, empty your loft and drag all the contents out into the front garden? Records and suitcases and a mouldy old bathmat. Christmassy!

No one should have to work ever, but especially not before Christmas. Try telling your boss that you’re having particularly painful menstrual cramps and can’t come in. If your boss has a problem with this, for instance if you are a man, try a theological argument. “Mary had a baby without sexual intercourse; maybe God is giving me a period without a womb?” If you’re female you could mention the gender pay gap; if lower wages means women aren’t paid from 9 November till the new year, why should we show up? Use your newly freed-up time to weep softly outside TK Maxx.

I don’t like lies, but when it comes to Father Christmas, people have different truths. I think it’s time you told your kids what you know; some people don’t believe in Father Christmas. Those disbelievers won’t get any presents. People with faith, who believe without evidence that Father C is real, will get lots of gifts, but not until they are dead. Maybe believing in Father Christmas makes people live their lives better, striving to be good, to be nice, not naughty? Or maybe that’s just what Coca-Cola wants you to think – I don’t know. And nor do you.

First up, it is very rude to tell someone, “You already have everything.” No one likes to know their consumerist dream is over, all the stuff has been bought and the shops have nothing to offer them. Instead, put it in a complimentary way: “You’re a hoarder who believes belongings will fill the empty space in their heart.” And now for the perfect present, get a local shaman to do a spell for your friend and beloved: a “stop buying stuff you don’t need” charm or a curse on their wallet should do it. Then on Christmas Day when they’re looking for their gift yell “Unwrap this” and give them a lovely hug.

There’s a lot of pressure on one day, a high premium on those, say, 15 hours. But my mum usually mentions my name in connection to the role of MC or “entertainment officer”. We play ‘The Name Game’, which when played correctly takes 90 minutes, but everyone’s so tired that they want a shortened version and I spoil the buzz by over-officiating.

What’s the solution? Could you rehearse the day? Do a walk-through? Is that so ridiculous? In terms of time management there’s no point being too relaxed. Maybe every year give someone the role of whip-cracker. Make it fun for them though; give them a high-vis jacket, loudhailer...

I have very few relatives and that’s been a useful safeguard against this issue. But I have married into a large family and their ways are quite fascinating to me. It’s like watching an Attenborough documentary about a rare tribe. (It’s easier for me to go quiet and allow them to mistake my silence for deep thought. I think some of the more distant relatives, on the other side of the room eating canapés, may think I’m French or something.)

How other people do things at Christmas is interesting though isn’t it? All families develop these traditions, and we all get incredibly attached to our model. Then you glimpse another family’s tradition and think, “Really? Goose?” Every possible Christmas Day model is out there somewhere beyond the net curtains. Just think of one and somewhere someone’s doing it. I found out recently they don’t have crackers in the US. And I felt sad for them. What do they do after the meal?

This is complex. Someone said that all presents are aggressive acts. I wouldn’t go that far but they’re definitely complicated. In London everyone lives in quite small spaces so clutter is an issue so actually adding stuff to what’s in your home is perverse. My siblings and I have an agreement. No presents. But then someone reneges and it starts again.W hat about only getting presents for someone throughout the year when you think of one, or see one?!

My main present tip would be concentrate on the labels rather than the paper, or even the contents... go to town on the labels; drawings, funny messages, glitter. At least you can say you had the best labels.

I’ll leave this one to Chris John Jackson, but I’d like to distance myself from anything he says. He is a life coach who should probably sort his life out before trying to “coach” anybody else.

“Try doing a backwards Christmas meal (or one that’s a crazy mess). Instead of trying to get Christmas dinner right why not get it intentionally wrong? Try eating your turkey for breakfast! Meet up a week before and make suggestions as to what would really mess up the meal. Then do it! It’ll be mayhem but somewhere in there you’ll relax cos you’re not trying to be perfect any more. Screw perfection – let’s go Lynch meets Grinch this Yuletide!”

See, I told you. Sorry about that!

My last tip is soft-top socks. They have genuinely improved my quality of life. You know how most socks pinch your calves? These don’t.

‘Jackson’s Way: The Christmas Top-Up Power Seminar!’ is at Battersea Arts Centre, London until 12 Dec; ‘Sara Pascoe’s Christmas Assembly’ is at the same venue 14-23 Dec.