city slicker Stockholm

On Sunday, Stockholm hosts the Nobel Prize ceremony

What are the attractions: There are coffee bars overlooking bars overlooking restaurants overlooking swans swimming on the water. Swans without clipped wings. Swans that fly. Breathe in the air and feel the cool breeze of a fresh summer's day. Peer into the waters of the harbour and watch the salmon frolic with the dolphin. Stockholm, Stockholm. So good they named it once.

What are they like?: Think of Danny DeVito. Reverse everything. Everything. Double it. Triple it. That's a Swede. We're talking blonde, tall, slim. Well built. And teeth. We're talking teeth that could illuminate Regent Street. Clean. I don't know. Either they've got the best dentists in the world, or no dentists at all. Go to Stockholm and be prepared to face up to the unpalatable truth that you're short and fat and your teeth are rotting. And one other thing. Visit Stockholm only after taking a few elocution lessons. Odds on they speak better English than you do.

Two things to bear in mind:

Sweden has one of the highest rates of alcoholism in Europe. Britt Ekland (in The Wicker Man). These two things can tell you everything you need to know about Stockholm. First, you can get alcohol anytime, any place. Provided you go to the special shops called System Bolaget. And it's a weekday. Between 10am and 6pm. And you're over 20. And you've got your ID card with you. And you know the words to "Dancing Queen". So that's alcohol. And Britt? Just don't mention the words "free" and "sex". Despite Britt, despite everything you've heard, this is the most puritanical, anti-sex place you're likely to encounter. No sex. No red-light zone. No nothing.

How to get around this: Drinking boats. Special ferries go to Finland and Denmark not to take people to Finland or Denmark, you understand, but simply to get out of Swedish waters. (On a sad note, the Estonia ferry that went down last year was one of these drinking ferries. Now there's a curious moral truth at work here. The 1,200 people who died, they were the ones who'd gone to bed. The ones still at the bar were saved. Curious, no?) As for how you get over the Britt thing, you drink.

Other things you need to know: You need money. Lots. A coffee will cost about pounds 2. A beer pounds 5 (pounds 10 on the black market). You're likely to see lots of white-teethed men with babies, taking advantage of the statutory six months paternity leave. Drugs. Don't think about it. The police have the power to do stop-and-search and bloodtests. Possession of acid is legally akin to attempted murder.

What's on and where to go:

The best thing to do in Sweden is the best thing to do anywhere. Hang out in a cafe and drink in the day. So. Head for the Sture Katten. The Black Cat Cafe to us. It's an old house in the centre of town that two old women and their black cat used to live in. But now they've all died and the house has been converted into a top cafe. Sofas, papers, proper cakes. No time grief. If you're a bit more Philippe Starke, try the Cafe Gator.

What else to do: Get a boat and go to the archipelago. Over 1,000 islands. Beautiful.

Where to go to get shot (or stabbed): Sture Gallerian. No question. A kind of all-in-one mall with shops and bars and clubs, the Gallerian is a top spot to get hit. Queue for one of the bars and... boom. Seasy. Which is a shame because Arnold's is in the Gallerian. And Arnold's is a top-notch jazz joint.

You don't get shot and you want to eat: Food is a go-go in Stockholm. Falafels. You want falafels? They're in Stockholm. A top Indian? Tre Smo Indier (Three Little Indians).

And then it's time to go home: Where is home? Where are you staying? Try two places. First is Af Chapman, a converted boat. Or there's Longholmen, a bit classier. A converted prison on its own island. Top picturesque place. Both places cost about pounds 9 a night but neither are as plush as the Grand Hotel, which doesn't cost pounds 9 a night.

MAXWELL C. WOLF