Blessings, beasts and burdens

Recently, a man who had a vasectomy which failed to prevent his wife from becoming pregnant with their fifth child, decided to sue his health board for the cost of raising his daughter to the age of 16, some pounds 110,000. Now the case is to come before the House of Lords, which will rule on whether a child should legally be considered a "blessing" or a "burden".

I've got three children of my own, and I considered each to be a blessing, at least until I realised they were going to cost me pounds 110,000 apiece. They're only small, but it seems it's never too early to cast a cold eye over the credit and debit columns of parenthood, to see whether the inestimable joy children bring really constitutes adequate compensation for, in my case, spending nearly a third of a million quid.

Debit: As we have seen, children are very expensive, and there are many hidden costs. My juice bill alone is something like pounds 100 per month. There is also reduced efficiency of consumption. Children do not eat bread ends, broken biscuits, misshapen carrots or the pink middle section of Neapolitan ice cream, and they consume fruit at a rate of one bite per apple. If I were running a restaurant, I'd be out of business by now.

Credit: They're entertaining. You will find your children adorable, beautiful and charming, so much so that you may be surprised to discover that not everyone shares your opinion. Children are also funny. Toddlers' relative inexperience in walking upright makes them nature's slapstick artists - a one-year-old and a patch of uneven ground will provide hours of simple, old-fashioned entertainment for friends and family alike. People who don't like your children will find the sight of them falling even funnier.

Debit: They're dirty. Children have extremely low standards of hygiene, which is bound to affect your health in the long term. It takes a tremendous amount of work to keep them in any way presentable. In our household there is always someone whose nappy needs changing.

I reckon we get through 14 nappies, of varying sizes, in an average 24-hour period. If you're a man, you can probably avoid all but a third of these changes through stealth, but that still leaves 4.7 new nappies per day, which is a whole lot of pain and suffering, at least pounds 110,000 worth.

Credit: They're handy. Unfortunately children are not allowed to go out to work, but there comes a point when they are old and reliable enough to be dispatched to the corner shop to fetch things, something they actually enjoy doing. Mundane tasks like sweeping and shelling peas have considerable novelty value for younger children, and even a toddler can be sent to the fridge for another beer.

For 50p a four-year-old will look for your keys all day, on a no- find, no-fee basis. Sadly this phase doesn't last long, but it's probably the closest most of us will ever come to having a personal assistant.

Debit: They're exasperating. Children are always asking you questions you can't answer, like "where are my shoes?" and "how do trees work?" and "when are you going to die?" They make you play endless games at which they stink, and you still have to find a way to let them win. Have you ever tried to throw a game of Snakes and Ladders? They are also prone to tantrums when things don't go their way. Come to think of it, being a parent is a lot more like being a personal assistant than having a personal assistant. In fact it's a lot like being Naomi Campbell's personal assistant, but without the travel.

Credit: They're ready-made friends. If you need mates fast, have children. They're loyal, and almost always available. For the first time in my life I have someone to go see The Rugrats Movie with. Unlike actual friends, children will stick by you no matter much how you lie to them or disappoint them. They have no choice.

Debit: Accessories are not included, nor is shipping and handling. I'm sorry to have to tell you that the travel cot, the bottle steriliser, the car seat and the pushchair are all extra. You most also load and unload all this stuff from the car yourself every time you go anywhere, even though it's their stuff. If you were in a union there would be a regulation preventing you from lifting it without proper equipment, but you aren't, and there isn't.

Credit: They'll look after you when you're older. If you believe that, you'll believe anything, but I still dream that my day of revenge will come, when I'm in my late 80s and my son has to change my nappy. Let's see who likes being kicked in the face at four in the morning...