Alas, poor Tony. I thought I knew him well...
Oh what a change in our king, one moment cursing those who throw their bombs, the next going off to throw his own
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Your support makes all the difference.IT'S TIME for another extract from the long-lost Shakespearian play The History of King Tony, or New Labour's Lost, Love!
Enter King Tony, alone, accompanied by Sir Alastair Campbell.
King Tony: If all else fails, yet there must
always be
One thing by which a king is widely judged.
One thing which stands out proudly from the rest. Campbell: I'm not quite sure I catch your drift
aright...
King Tony: With Margaret, Lady Thatcher, Queen
before me,
'Twas always said that she was greatest when
She broke the unions' power and made them
fear her.
She reigned for 10 more years, did many things,
Went out and fought 'gainst Argentina's might,
And later fought with Jacques Santer as well.
But how she likes to be remembered is
As our great champion 'gainst the unions' power.
Campbell: 'Tis true. 'Twill be her epitaph in
the end
- Unless she's known as General Pinochet's
friend...
King Tony: (ignoring him)
Then after her came King John Major's reign,
Which, unlike hers, is quite forgotten now.
Like some weightless, tasteless ghost came he,
All pale and quite transparent, doing nothing.
A blank in history was John Major's reign,
Because he failed to choose a private cause.
A king must always have a higher aim in life,
Noble enough for fixing in men's hearts.
Campbell: And yours?
King Tony: Is peace in Ireland. That's my dream.
To bring a lasting peace to these poor people.
Too long has Ulster been a battleground
Where Micks and Prods throw their deadly bombs.
I hate the bomb! I hate the man that throws it! Cursed be the man that kills peace with a bomb.
Give us peace, I say, a fair and just peace!
A peace that brings the people what they want! Let us have peace, no matter what the risk!
Enter George, Duke of Robertson.
But look who comes! Tis Robertson, old friend!
Another trusty Scot who stood by me
When we did battle with John Major's army
- And now commands our army in his turn!
Robertson: Yes, yes, 'tis so. But never mind all that!
My Lord, we have a crisis on our hands!
King Slobodan, the monarch of all Serbia,
Is on the warpath and he must be stopped!
King Tony: Of course he must... By whom?
Robertson: By us! Who else?
King Tony: And does King Slobodan bring his
troops this way
To invade the sacred soil of this dear land?
Robertson: Not so. He merely slaughters his
own subjects.
King Tony: Then tell me what concern that is
of ours.
Robertson: 'Tis true. But that's not quite the point
just now.
'Tis time for all the kings of Europe to unite
And show a solid front against vile Slobodan!
Would you be missing from the line-up for
the game?
King Tony: And then be absent from the first team
photograph?
Not I! I must be first into the fray!
With bomb and rocket showing others the way
Against this miscreant wretch, King... what's
his name?
Robertson: His name is Slobodan.
King Tony: Aye, Slobodan!
Until we've rescued all the Serbs from death!
Robertson: 'Tis not the Serbs at risk, but those
Albanian-born.
King Tony: Well, well, whatever. All I know is this:
Give us war, I say, a fair and just war!
A war that brings the people what they want!
Let us have war, no matter what the risk!
And let's ignore the whingeing Robert Fisk!
Exit the King with Robertson, leaving Campbell.
Campbell: Oh, what a change I see in our fair King!
One moment cursing those who throw their
bombs,
The next going off to throw his very own!
A holy man of peace in Northern Ireland
- Then a warrior raining death on wicked Serbs!
Which is the true King Tony, deep inside?
Nice Dr Jekyll? Or nasty Mr Hyde?
Exit, musing
More of this tomorrow, I hope!
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