The Top 10: Things Politicians Say When They Want to Sound As If They’re Doing Something

This list started when I criticised Keir Starmer’s feeble response during the Labour leadership election when asked if he supported electoral reform. He replied that we “need a constitutional convention”, which I called the device of charlatans. John Peters asked, “Before or after a citizens’ assembly?” and suggested it might make a Top 10. Then this week, along came the prime minister.

1. “It is time for a cross-governmental commission”, Boris Johnson wrote in The Daily Telegraph on Monday, “to look at all aspects” of racial inequality. David Lammy, shadow justice secretary, was unimpressed: “I don’t know why he’s announced a commission, behind the paywall, in The Telegraph, buried in the middle of yet another article about Churchill. If he was serious, why are there no details about how it will be staffed, its remit, its terms of reference, its timetable? It’s because it was written on the back of a fag packet yesterday to assuage the Black Lives Matter protesters.” Thanks to Ian McRobert.

2. A full independent judge-led public inquiry, preferably with the power to question witnesses on oath. Favourite device of Ed Miliband, especially the judge-led bit, in case people didn’t know what judicial meant. Modern variant of the traditional royal commission (the last of which, on the reform of the House of Lords, was appointed in 1999, and reported in 2000). Thanks to James of Nazareth, David Mills, Alexander Larman and James Cox.

3. A “return to cabinet government”, as promised by every incoming prime minister (except possibly Margaret Thatcher and Tony Blair). This usually means pretending to be collegiate for about five minutes before realising that there is work to be done. Nominated by Anonymous Source.

4. “I’ve signed an early day motion.” This is a motion for debate in the House of Commons on an “early day” (translation: never), and is basically a press release. Jeremy Corbyn signed a lot of them. Nominated by Stuart Valentine Dodgson.

5. Appoint a tsar. Nominated by JT, Paul A Davies and Matthew Smith.

6. “We have a five-point plan.” Thanks to Blair McDougall.

7. “Enshrined in law.” Passing legislation to set targets began with Labour’s Climate Change Act 2008, making it the duty of the government to cut greenhouse gas output by 80 per cent by 2050 (since outbid by Theresa May’s net zero target). Thanks to Benjamin Lewis.

8. A national conversation. Preferably one that is kick-started. Or a listening exercise. Nominated by James Morris, Cheeky Anagonye, Matthew Randall, Adam Snow and Elliot Kane. Peter Russell describes these as from the “Sturgeon and SNP do-nothing catalogue”.

9. The Citizen’s Charter. Thanks to Guy Nolder, who reminds me that setting up a hotline is another favoured device.

10. “Ramp up”, “at pace”, “at scale”. A whole lexicon of vogue management-speak adopted by ministers at the daily coronavirus briefing, belying the sluggish and error-strewn policy landscape.

Next week: Songs within songs, such as “Fearless”, Pink Floyd, which includes the Kop singing “You’ll Never Walk Alone”.

Coming soon: “Prophets not without honour but in their own country,” that is, people, such as Tony Blair, Mikhail Gorbachev and Lech Walesa, admired abroad, reviled at home.

Your suggestions please, and ideas for future Top 10s, to me on Twitter, or by email to top10@independent.co.uk