Wondering what the Tory-DUP deal will actually look like? I've got a pretty good idea

In 2015, every Conservative politician and newspaper screamed “Labour is planning an evil alliance to form a government, by talking to the SCOTTISH NATIONALIST PARTY!!” This would mean Alex Salmond could billet their pandas in our kitchens and they’ll drain their lochs onto the M1 so you can only get to Luton by submarine, then we’ll be forced to hand over our sunlight so Dundee gets the same amount in winter as Bournemouth.

Now we realise the reason they were so upset is because what you’re supposed to do if you can’t form a government is make an agreement with the Democratic Unionist Party.

Unlike the SNP, who emit extremist ideas such as scrapping tuition fees and installing a new one-way system in Falkirk, the DUP offer moderate policies, such as strolls through built-up areas, joyfully singing about the day in 1682 when all local Catholics were fed to a tiger.

They’ve embraced inclusiveness in recent times, reaching out to a diverse group of white Presbyterian fundamentalists. And they’ve even made efforts to adopt some Catholic values, such as insisting abortion is a sin for which the Lord will exact mighty vengeance, raining down with unimaginable fury upon the heathen filthy dirty vermin who have anything to do with it. They don’t even allow you forgiveness for confessing it, which shows how much effort they’ve made, by managing to be even more crackpot about it than the Vatican.

They’re associated with a few quirky attitudes that some Catholics still object to, such as the statement often made by their founder, Ian Paisley, that the Pope is the anti-Christ. But to be fair he only ever said this quietly.

In any case, supporters of the Conservatives insist the influence of the DUP will be minimal. One way they’ve already changed things is Theresa May often refers now to the “Conservative and Unionist Party”, which she rarely did before.

By next week she’ll be saying “our team in the Brexit negotiations is strong and stable, especially ya wee man David Davis so he is. And my message to Jeremy Corbyn is ‘will ye catch yerself on’.”

Then the Queen will begin her speech to open the new parliament, “My government will ensure there is no surrender, no surrender, no surrender to the IRA”, and announce a bill to encourage the arts, by commissioning a mural called “men in balaclavas” to cover the outside of St Paul’s Cathedral.

One impressive side to the DUP is they don’t restrict themselves to Northern Irish matters, they have a wide range of interests. So Edwin Poots, once their environment minister in the Stormont parliament, objected to the sign at Giant’s Causeway, as it explained the geological reasons for the rock formation over a period of millions of years. This was a ridiculous and misleading sign, he said, as the earth was only six thousand years old, as you could tell from the Bible.

So the Queen’s Speech might include a bill to remove the dinosaur skeletons from the Natural History Museum, as they didn’t exist anyway, and be replaced by a fascinating display of flutes.

Even the procession before the speech will be more colourful than normal, as the equerries abandon their usual tunics and wear orange sashes, and take a detour through an Irish pub for a song about the day when County Fermanagh was boiled in molten lead by the Apprentice Boys of Carrickfergus.

Then instead of banging on the door of the Commons with his stick, Black Rod will march to Westminster Cathedral and use it to put the windows in.

The DUP have been accused of being in alliance with paramilitaries, but this seems a little unfair. For example in 1986, their leader Peter Robinson is reported to have supported a group called Ulster Resistance, declaring: “The Resistance has indicated that drilling and training has already started.” The DUP is reported to have severed its ties, when the group was linked to the arms trade, having procured guns from apartheid South Africa.

The Queen’s Speech has been delayed two days while the agreement is reached, but this seems reasonable, as I’m sure the Tories and their newspapers would be just as understanding if the Labour Party ever delayed a Queen’s Speech, so it could organise an agreement with Sinn Fein.

Even so, the new government is a delight, because usually they take three years to start fraying, over predictable issues such as Europe. But this one starts in a state of utter confusion and can collapse in a hundred different ways, possibly in an argument between Liam Fox and Kenneth Clarke about how many raisins to put in a scone.

The Conservatives have no idea how they landed in this mess and even less idea what to do about it, and that guarantees all kinds of entertainment.

Strangely, I was on the radio with Iain Duncan Smith on Sunday, and he delivered a speech on the necessity for unity in the Conservative Party. Then the presenter mentioned that Nicky Morgan had called for a leadership election, and Smith said: “Well she would, that’s typical of her.” Then an interview with Michael Heseltine was played, and he muttered “What a fool, why does anyone bother interviewing him, the man’s a fool” all the way through.

So it’s a novel form of unity they’re after, in which every one of them agrees to call all the others a steaming t**t who ruined everything. Give it three months and the DUP will announce: “We can’t stay in coalition with the Conservatives, this lot are an irrational chaotic bunch of extremists.”