History tells us that Donald Trump's genius idea to make a database of Muslims will definitely end well

There is a glimmer of hope in this terrible fortnight. Donald Trump is clearly making it up as he goes along, with announcements such as: “The wall is going ahead but may be part trellis with clematis plants, with holes in the petals for snipers to fire at immigrants because America is great at flowers, and a castle somewhere in Kansas if that’s on the border but we’ll check because I’ve got guys who are great at checking, and the top half of the wall will be made out of trifle and we’re going to put extra whipped cream on it because the Mexicans are paying.”

He has to carry out his promise to build the wall because, as he explained, “650 million people could pour in.” That would mean every single person from Mexico, and Canada, and Central America, and South America, and Egypt, would all move to the United States at once.

The Grand Canyon would become El Salvador. Argentina would fill up Lake Michigan. No rockets could take off from Cape Canaveral because Bolivians would be camping on the launch pad.

So if you were picky you might doubt the figure of 650 million, but that’s to miss the point because we’re now in a post-correct numbers era. We’ve listened long enough to “experts” adding things up properly and where has that got us?

It’s time to put America in the hands of people who aren’t afraid to be utterly irrational, such as Trump’s chief strategist Stephen Bannon, whose wife swore he wouldn’t let his daughter go to a school as there were “too many whiny brat Jews”.

In this refreshing post-correct numbers era, Trump’s team will be free to explain how over 8 million Jews whine every day, which uses up 130 per cent of US energy reserves every hour, forcing 4 billion hard-working Americans to go eight years without biscuits. And how could anyone expect his daughter to learn anything in those conditions?

Now at last we can bring an end to this tiresome political correctness, which insists you can’t say something is true just because you made it up.

Instead America can begin to address its problems with solutions like Trump’s proposal to place all Muslims on a register. This is an exciting new policy, fresh and inventive, and makes you wonder why no regime in the past has ever considered forcing one religious group to register with the authorities, while blaming them for the country’s problems.

If it works well, maybe they could make it fun by getting them to report to the police every week and wear pretty little stars and all live cosily together in the same part of town. It’s a shame this sort of thing has never been tried before as it would then be easy to prove this is sure to end well.

The registration for Muslims could be even more accurate if they’re all made to fill out one of those personality quizzes called “How jihadist are you?” They would have to answer a series of question such as: “You’ve had a stressful morning as the washing machine has broken down and need to unwind. Do you a) book yourself in for a foot massage b) relax with a bottle of wine and a takeaway pizza c) strap gelignite to your chest and march into Walmart screaming, ‘In the name of Allah the almighty, the merciful, let us bring holy war to your infidel faulty appliances, peace be upon him” and blow yourself up?’

Then America could make itself even safer by passing a law that calls to prayers from a mosque are no longer allowed to witter on about Islam, and have to be truly American by being sponsored. So on a Friday you could hear the magical sounds of “Allahu akbar, hey, does all that kneeling and bending to pray take its toll on your joints? Then you need Deep Heat, specially formulated for soothing holy joint relief – just spray as you pray.”

Trump can announce none of this is anti-Muslim, as Muslims are perfectly welcome to live in America as long as they convert to Christianity. And any that can’t be bothered will be deported to the twelfth century.

It must be frustrating to see Muslims getting away with being Muslim, especially if you’re a Trump-supporting Christian fundamentalist Tea Party member, as you must think, ‘Why can’t they be calm and peaceful like us?’

You’ll never catch an evangelist Christian in America getting annoyed about everyday issues such as abortion or teaching evolution, and they’re so pacifist they sometimes go all the way to the kitchen and back without a spare flame-thrower in case the first one goes wrong.

The inclusive nature of Trump has already had an effect, because Isis are said to be delighted with his victory, and a former member of the Ku Klux Klan was one of the first organisations to congratulate him. Who else could bring together these two groups in a charming display of unity like that? Psychopaths everywhere seem willing to put aside their differences to rejoice in Trump becoming president, and that can only be encouraging.

So you can understand why his supporters are so angry with anyone who’s still moaning. Their slogan for those who still oppose Trump is “You lost, get over it”, just as they did when Obama won. Back then, they graciously accepted their defeat with only the odd eight-year period insisting he wasn’t American and shouldn’t be allowed to take office and was probably a Muslim because he lived in Hawaii – which is why, so far, it looks like everything’s going to be fine.