If you ask me...Fill in this questionnaire, if you can be bothered

If you ask me, after listening to a radio programme about control freaks a few days ago, and being an avid fan (perhaps the only fan, avid or otherwise) of BBC3’s Don’t Tell The Bride, in which the groom solely organises the wedding, as the bride weeps: “He’ll be useless! I always do everything around here!” I thought: why is no attention ever paid to the opposite of control freaks? What is the opposite of a control freak, anyhow? A doormat? Possibly, but I prefer the term “Laissezfairian”. I am a Laissezfairian, but are you? Answer these questions to find out.

Would you say your evenings are so taken up with relaxing, crap telly you can never find the time to impress your bosses by putting in that extra bit of work?

1) If you see a crooked picture do you see a crooked picture that needs straightening right now, this second, or do you see a crooked picture that could do with straightening, perhaps one day in the future?

2) When other families in the neighbourhood move to a “better area” so their children can go to a “better school”, do you panic and think you must do similarly, or is it: “Oh, good. Now I can steal their parking space and bins?”

3) If someone should rearrange the furniture in your absence, do you have a fit on your return or do you think: “The chair was there yesterday and now it’s here. So?”

4) Did your dog fail at all those training classes because you never had the heart to tell him what to do, yet gave him the cheese anyway?

5) Do you feel the need to monitor your child’s friendships and vet them for suitability, or would you prefer to take a nice, long hot bubble bath while reading Heat?

6) If a household member volunteers to go to the supermarket, do you force a list on them and then eye their purchases disapprovingly, or do you dance round the house singing: “Someone else is going to the supermarket! Someone else is going to the supermarket! I am so happy”?

7) If you have a cleaner yet note dust and cobwebs, would you point them out to her, or would you rather be dead?

8) Are you fine about someone else booking your holiday, even though you might find yourself on a cricket tour? (Sometimes, it’s hard being a Laissezfairian, but it’s never as hard as having to organise stuff yourself.)

9) Are you so not busy doing something else you have time to answer these questions?

If you answered “yes” to most of the above: congratulations, you are a Laissezfairian, and will be most welcome at our annual get-together, should it ever happen, which is unlikely.