British Rail undergoes a fare trial

A fascinating railway trial is going on at the High Court in London. Brian Trapworth, an official of British Rail, is accused of accepting a large sum of money from a member of the public in exchange for favours. Yesterday there was great excitement when Edmund Castaway took the stand.

Counsel: You are a member of the public by trade?

Witness: I am. Although I have never been approached by any opinion poll organisation, I am sure it is only a matter of time - meanwhile, I have served on a jury, phoned Nick Ross, been seen on TV in a football crowd, waved at Esther Rantzen as she drove past in majesty . . .

Counsel: Yes, yes, thank you, Mr Castaway. Your credentials are not in doubt. Now, on 17 March last, did you approach Mr Brian Trapworth, an employee of British Rail, with a considerable amount of money?

Witness: I did. (Sensation)

Counsel: Can you remember what you said to him?

Witness: Yes. I said: 'I would like a weekend return to Birmingham New Street, please.'

Counsel: I see. And what did he say to you?

Witness: 'You'll have to speak a lot louder than that.'

Counsel: AND WHAT DID HE SAY TO YOU?

Witness: No, I can hear you perfectly. That's what the man I now know to be Brian Trapworth said to me.

Judge: When?

Witness: March 17th, my Lord.

Judge: Good. I only spoke to let you know I was in touch.

Counsel: Thank you, my Lord. Now, Mr Castaway, what happened after that?

Witness: I repeated my request for a ticket to Birmingham New Street and he said: 'Do you want a Supersaver, a Superdupersaver, a ThroughDay Special, a Supershopper, or a BrumTicket?' I said: 'I haven't the faintest idea. All I know is that I want to go to Birmingham New Street tonight and come back on Sunday.' And he said: 'Oh, for God's sake, give me your money and let me work it out for you.'

Counsel: And did you give him your money?

Witness: Yes.

Counsel: How much?

Witness: About pounds 50.

Counsel: And would it be true to say that you have never seen any of the money again?

Witness: No. He gave me about pounds 5 back.

Counsel: The understanding being, I take it, that in return for this financial sweetener, he would undertake to transport you to Birmingham, or at least to pull strings to get you transported there?

Witness: That was the impression he gave me.

Counsel: And were you in fact so transported?

Witness: No. At least, not for some time. The train to which I was first ushered never left the station.

Counsel: Why was this?

Witness: They said it was because of operating difficulties.

Judge: What does that mean?

Counsel: My Lord, I believe it is a phrase used by British Rail when they do not know what has gone wrong, or, more often, when they do know what has gone wrong, but are not prepared to admit it to the public.

Judge: Good Lord] The times I have needed that phrase and never knew . . . carry on.

Counsel: What happened next?

Witness: I finally boarded a train to Birmingham, but it was greatly delayed and arrived two hours late. Many people missed their connections.

Judge: You did not have a private train for your money?

Witness: No, my Lord.

Counsel: Did you attempt to get a refund of your payment after you had been so badly served?

Witness: I did. But Mr Trapworth produced a BR set of rules and regulations which seemed to prove that my money only entitled me to travel by train. It did not entitle me to the train to travel on, or guarantee the destination, time of arrival or anything.

Judge: Sounds to me like a waste of a bribe.

Counsel: Would you therefore say that Mr Trapworth, on behalf of BR, took your money under false pretences?

Witness: I would.

Counsel: Thank you.

Judge: Just a moment. Even assuming all this is true, doesn't it seem a little extreme to mount this court case for a mere pounds 50?

Counsel: Not if you multiply it by 400.

Judge: Four hundred?

Counsel: That is the number of Mr Castaway's fellow passengers to Birmingham, all of whom I hope to be calling as witnesses.

Judge: I should live so long.

The case continues.