FILM / Rushes

Touchy touchy: When producer Sybil Robson was filming Gordy the Pig, little did she know that her 'clean and hilarious' family opus about a talking swine would attract the attentions of the Motown coporation. For no sooner was the film ready than publicists for Motown chairman Berry Gordy Jr were on the phone to ascertain if the film had anything to do with their client.

Indeed not, explained a startled Robson. The determined PR handler still required convincing. What, ahem, colour was the pig? Why, pink replied Robson, hoping this would settle the matter. Alas not. If the pig was able to converse, said the suspicious publicist, could they have assurances that it wouldn't be talking with a Detroit accent?

Huh?: The rush to complete the summer blockbusters has resulted in the usual crop of narrative bloopers and continuity gaffes.

Cliffhanger. A teenage parachutist is rescued from a tree by pilot Ralph Waite, placed in a helicopter, and is neither seen nor heard of again - though the helicopter subsequently crashes.

Jurassic Park: the script elaborately establishes the fact that the dinosaurs become ill every six weeks, prompting Laura Dern to search elbow-deep through a pile of dino droppings. Vital plot development? Hardly. The creatures' periodic sickness is never referred to again.

The Firm: Tom Cruise breaks a telltale bottle of beer as he hunts through Mafia-related files stacked in a cupboard in colleague Gene Hackman's hotel room. He is forced to leave the potentially fatal evidence behind. A final shot shows the amber liquid trickling from under the cupboard door as the men leave. And that's it: Hackman presumably returns to his room later and notices nothing.

Sliver: Sharon Stone takes a bath and masturbates to orgasm. Her technique differs from most because the camera keeps cutting to her ecstatic face and both hands clutching the sides of the tub. Amazing muscle control or motorised rubber duck?

Movies We'd Like to See (first of an occasional series): Campin' Park. Sixty-five million years from now, gay men have become extinct. Science has the answer. The elusive gay gene is extracted from fossilised bones found on Hampstead Heath and blended with DNA taken from window dressers. Result - Campin' Park, a tourist trap alive with species once thought lost for ever. The Clone (harmless, hairy meat eater, moves in herds). The Leather Queen (poor hunter - the sound of chains habitually alerts its prey). The Complete Bitch (spits paralysing venom). The Happy Camper (distinguished by its high-pitched squeal). The Closet Queen (uncanny camouflage abilities allow it to pass as 'straight'). The Drag Queen (uncanny camouflage abilities allow it not to pass as 'straight').

A nervous public are assured that the park is secure and that the inhabitants cannot breed. But, as doubting experts have warned, 'Nature will find a way.' On opening day the systems go down. Gays escape their enclosures - detailed recreations of a Seventies disco, a night at the opera and the loos at Hyde Park Corner - and mercilessly cruise visitors, issuing strange mating cries of 'Cop the buns on that'. Big plot twist: the guests like it] Which leaves the path clear for Campin' Park 2: Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back to the Bushes.

Readers contributions to 'Movies We'd Like to See', Arts, 40 City Road, London EC1Y 2DB.